Robot Wedding Comix

I'm glad you could come out and take a look at my ministry, Your Excellency, but would you mind taking off your hat?

But... But I always wear my hat in church.

Yeah, well this is America, and we have this tradition that you're not supposed to overshadow the bride.

I suppose there is a certain logic to that, Ricky... It's just that I haven't been to a wedding in a long time. Isn't there usually a man of the cloth involved?

Of course, Your Holiness, he's... I mean it's the one with all the flowers on it's head, or head-like appendage. That's Reverend I-Fairy™.

The Reverend I-Fairy™, oh my. You don't mean to tell me you would defile the church by having a marriage performed by a gay robot, do you?

Of course, Your Excellency, that's just the way it's programmed. But don't worry, this isn't a church, it's a Country Club reception room.

Meep... Do you take this man to be your wife, to have and to hold; for better, or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part? Meep.

Whatever...

Wait, this is all wrong... Reverend I-Fairy™ just asked the bride if she would take the groom to be her wife, and...

Oh yeah, I understand your confusion. But see, Your Holiness, the groom isn't a man.

You shock me, Mister Warren, and I must condemn your ministry's decision to perform gay marriages.

Whoa, whoa, Your Excellency, don't get me wrong. While it may be true that the bride has had sexual reassignment surgery...

What?

...we believe that one can never escape from their true gender. So you see, technically it's still a marriage between a man and a woman. Although in this case, it's primarily a marriage of convenience.

Oh... Well, no harm, no foul, I suppose...

Steele to Vatican?

Michael Steele resurfaced today after being missing ever since news first broke of the Republican National Committee's unusual spending patterns. Ron Hasslehoff, a spokesman for Steele, said that the Chairman was not avoiding the controversy, but instead had been out of the country to discuss some intriguing new opportunities. "If the Republican Party was to foolishly force out their most successful leader in a generation, a man with Mr Steele's unique talents would certainly be highly sought after," said Hasslehoff. "But the fact remains that irregardless of what happens now, his term expires in December and he may be disinclined to sign up for another two year with a bunch of ingrates." Word quickly got out that Steele had spent the week in Rome, and speculation has run rampant that his destination may have been Vatican City, a rumor which Steele today confirmed. "Was I in Vatican City? Is the Pope Catholic? Yes he is, and so am I, so it makes perfectly good sense that I was meeting with my spiritual leader. What? There weren't any rumors about me meeting with Benedict? Well, you all missed the boat on that one, baby. Like Sarah Palin said, and I'm paraphrasing here, if God shows you an open door, there's no reason to kick the motherfucker in." Indeed there is not, for at the moment, the door to the Vatican treasury is wide open to the right individual. As outrage over the pedophile priest scandal has grown, contributions to Catholic coffers has dropped at such a dizzying rate that the Vatican is in danger of having to sell some of their solid gold doorknobs. "It's admittedly been a rough patch," says Holy See spokesman Federico Lombardi. "The Pope has not been able to buy a new crown in over a three weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I know you may have seen pictures of him wearing a new one yesterday, but he had to buy that one with his own money. I confess, it fills my heart with sorrow to see the Holy Father having to pay for his own vestments." And where does Michael Steele fit into all of this? Father Lombardi wouldn't go into specifics, but he would confirm that Steele and Benedict had met on three occasions during the week, and were scheduled to meet again. "The Holy Father was quite taken with how Mr Steele has been able to shepherd the Republican Party from the dustbin of history to the verge of victory. He thought there were lessons that he might apply to his own administration. He was definitely impressed with his fund-raising prowess. And as far as any whiff of scandal surrounding Mr Steele, hey, you don't know the meaning of scandal. I can say no more, but don't let that give you the impression that we're in any type of negotiations." "We'll see how the next couple weeks play out," says Steele, refusing to comment on his immediate future. "If the Party treats me right, it's conceivable I might stay. And if not, lets just say that Cardinal Steele has a certain ring to it."

Pope really sorry

Pope Benedict has sent a special letter of apology to all the Catholics of Ireland, presumably because the sensitivities of Irish Catholics were so much more offended by the church's widespread sexual abuse scandals than the less touchy Catholics in Germany, Luxemburg, or Kansas. Although touchy is probably a bad choice of words. "You have suffered grievously and I am truly sorry," the letter read in part. I know that nothing can undo the wrong you have endured. Your trust has been betrayed and your dignity has been violated. Know this, however; into every life a little rain must fall. It's not like the end of the world, and most of you will get over it if you just ask God to forgive you for your grudges." Although the papal epistle was full of mea culpas and written on the very finest Vatican stationary, there was no mention of punishment for the perverted priests involved in the scandal, nor of any corrective action beyond sending a 'special apostolic delegation' to certain undisclosed locations in Ireland. Just what this delegation would do when it got wherever it was going was also not revealed, but it is assumed that laying a guilt trip on the perpetrators would be part of the action plan, as indicated by a section of the letter addressed to the abusers, where the Pope tells them they have "forfeited the esteem of the people of Ireland and brought shame and dishonor among your confreres." Forfeiting esteem is considered one of the harshest penalties that can befall a pedophile priest. In conclusion, Benedict touched upon the spiritual pain that has afflicted many Irish Catholics. "It is understandable that you find it hard to forgive or be reconciled with the Church. In her name, I openly express the shame and remorse that we all feel. But I pray that you not believe all priests are guilty of molesting young boys. There are many who molest young girls instead."