Steele to Vatican?

Michael Steele resurfaced today after being missing ever since news first broke of the Republican National Committee's unusual spending patterns. Ron Hasslehoff, a spokesman for Steele, said that the Chairman was not avoiding the controversy, but instead had been out of the country to discuss some intriguing new opportunities. "If the Republican Party was to foolishly force out their most successful leader in a generation, a man with Mr Steele's unique talents would certainly be highly sought after," said Hasslehoff. "But the fact remains that irregardless of what happens now, his term expires in December and he may be disinclined to sign up for another two year with a bunch of ingrates." Word quickly got out that Steele had spent the week in Rome, and speculation has run rampant that his destination may have been Vatican City, a rumor which Steele today confirmed. "Was I in Vatican City? Is the Pope Catholic? Yes he is, and so am I, so it makes perfectly good sense that I was meeting with my spiritual leader. What? There weren't any rumors about me meeting with Benedict? Well, you all missed the boat on that one, baby. Like Sarah Palin said, and I'm paraphrasing here, if God shows you an open door, there's no reason to kick the motherfucker in." Indeed there is not, for at the moment, the door to the Vatican treasury is wide open to the right individual. As outrage over the pedophile priest scandal has grown, contributions to Catholic coffers has dropped at such a dizzying rate that the Vatican is in danger of having to sell some of their solid gold doorknobs. "It's admittedly been a rough patch," says Holy See spokesman Federico Lombardi. "The Pope has not been able to buy a new crown in over a three weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I know you may have seen pictures of him wearing a new one yesterday, but he had to buy that one with his own money. I confess, it fills my heart with sorrow to see the Holy Father having to pay for his own vestments." And where does Michael Steele fit into all of this? Father Lombardi wouldn't go into specifics, but he would confirm that Steele and Benedict had met on three occasions during the week, and were scheduled to meet again. "The Holy Father was quite taken with how Mr Steele has been able to shepherd the Republican Party from the dustbin of history to the verge of victory. He thought there were lessons that he might apply to his own administration. He was definitely impressed with his fund-raising prowess. And as far as any whiff of scandal surrounding Mr Steele, hey, you don't know the meaning of scandal. I can say no more, but don't let that give you the impression that we're in any type of negotiations." "We'll see how the next couple weeks play out," says Steele, refusing to comment on his immediate future. "If the Party treats me right, it's conceivable I might stay. And if not, lets just say that Cardinal Steele has a certain ring to it."