The GBN

It's an exciting day in the broadcast industry, as reports hit the media that Glenn Beck, following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey and Martha Stewart may start his own network once his contract with FOX News expires.   "The Glenn Beck Network would be nothing at all like Martha Stewart's or Oprah Winfrey's channels," says Joel Cheatwood, a former senior Fox News executive who now works for Beck's Mercury Radio Arts. "Instead of being full of fluff, it would be fun of gravitas, while still providing the entertainment value people have come to expect from Glenn. It wouldn't be a competitor to FOX News either, because we wouldn't labor under the pretense of being balanced or fair. That's one of the slogans Glenn came up with - 'Life isn't fair and neither are we'."   Assuming the network is launched, a full schedule is currently under consideration. Aside from a live broadcast of Beck's radio show and an expanded edition of his FOX Show, segments already in the planning stages include a nightly newscast with anchor G. Gordon Liddy and 'The Nighttime Show' with host Dick Morris.   "I don't know why that guy isn't already under contract with somebody," says Cheatwood. "Morris is funny, personable, intelligent, and he does a great imitation of Nancy Pelosi. Imagine if we could get him to do that in drag!"   "We're also in talks with Ellen Page to do a daily show, kind of in the style of Jerry Springer, only better. If she signs on, we would call it 'Ellen's Degenerate Show', and the idea is to have her confront all manner of undesirables - Muslims, drug addicts, liberals, sex offenders, intellectuals, atheists, the list goes on and on. It's wouldn't be exploitative, more like trying to figure out what makes these people tick." "'American Patriot' is a show that Glenn is very enthused about," Cheatwood continues excitedly. "It would feature sixteen competitors who vie for the prestigious title of  'America's Top Young Patriot Who's Not an Elitist or Nerd' by singing patriotic songs. "It would be nothing at all like 'American Idol' because, like I said, the songs would be patriotic and the judges would all be retired marines and astronauts." Other shows under consideration include 'The Monogamist', wherein a happily married man would be severely tempted by a bevy of half dressed Hollywood starlets, a religious themed sitcom titled 'How I Met Your Maker', and an ingenuous new show called 'The Biggest Gainer', which would follow a group of anorexic young women trying to establish a healthy metabolism.   "That is such a brilliant concept," Cheatwood marvels. "Instead of watching a bunch of chubbys trying to shed the pounds, you'd have a group of potentially hot chicks who are going to look better every week. And the ladies will love it too, because it's part cooking show. We would have America's top chefs feeding these girls delicious foods that you would just die for."   Perhaps the most exciting show, as well as the real ratings grabber, is already a go when the network launches.   "It's called 'Guess That Palin'," Cheatwood announces proudly. "It would be a weekly show in which a different member of the Palin family would appear and attempt to stump a panel of blindfolded guest celebrities who are trying to guess their identity through a series of questions. Now I know what you're saying, 'Jeff, there's only a finite number of Palins', but the thing is, they could come on multiple times. Like, Willow could be on three times in a row for all our celebrities know. And to add to the fun, we plan on using only celebrities who are really spaced out or really dumb, or hopefully a combination of both. For our debut show we would love to have Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, and Courtney Love, but if Lindsey Lohan is available, we'd love to talk to her about becoming a regular."

Beck reveals hand of God or Gaia or Whatever

Glenn Beck today became the first celebrity lunatic to publicly blame some deity or another on the tragic catastrophes in Japan.   "What God does is God's business, I have no idea," he told his vast radio audience before going on to reveal that of course he had some idea. Not only that, he had the exact text. "I'll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus - there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just sayin'."   The stuff we're doing should stop being done, remarkable words from a remarkable man, yet Beck could not accept his own counsel, choosing instead to continue his customary course of giving totally nonsensical advice. "Make sure you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times," he suggested, fully aware of his listeners proclivity for driving with their feet hanging out the window. "Things are gonna get bumpy and, just a few reminders there at the beginning as this rollercoaster takes off, always a good safety tip: Keep your arms and legs in." Oh. A rollercoaster, not an automobile... I suppose his guidance is equally valid for either scenario. "Don't do anything stupid," Glenn continued, a Sisyphean command seemingly beyond the ability of any good Beckian. "What do you say we follow the big top ten. You can call them Moses' ten commandments, or ten rules of Um. What do you say we start doing those things? Because the things we are doing really suck and they're not getting better."   "That just sounds like crazy talk to me," said Evangelist Pat Robertson. "I mean, the very first Rule of Um is 'Thou shall consume no condiments that have not been individually packaged'. I don't think that would have spared the people of Japan. I don't think anything would have. The quaking of the earth, the wrath of the ocean, the reaming of the mountaintop, and the melting of the fuel rods... It's pretty clear that God was determined to rid the Japanese people of their Buddha worship once and for all."

Paranoia Comix

Friends, for the last couple of weeks, we've been exploring the coming of the Global Caliphate, and how it will be brought about by radical Muslims who are trying to hasten the coming of the Antichrist. I think it's one of the most important stories out there, even though it's been playing havoc with my ratings.

You see, there's a bigger picture that you need to understand, and to do that you have to examine all of the individual components. Today we're going to fit together a few of those pieces - the connection between the coming Global Caliphate, the Antichrist, George Soros, and the disastrous decline of my ratings

George Soros, the radical billionaire financier of ultra left-wing groups like MoveOn.org, or as I like to call him, The Puppet Master. You may recall that I did a series of shows about him back in November, right around the time my ratings really began to tank. Here's a clip of the Puppet Master from this week-end.

Fox News makes a habit — it has imported the methods of George Orwell, you know, newspeak, where you can tell the people falsehoods and deceive them.

That's reality being stood on it's head, friends. Now you may not have noticed, but the man Soros is a CNN pundit by the name of Fareed Zakaria, who follows up by asking the Puppet Master to insult me for telling my audience the truths that he so deviously refers to as falsehoods and deceptions.

I would be amused if people saw the joke in it. Because what Beck is doing, he is projecting what Fox - what Rupert Murdoch is doing, because he has a media empire that is telling the people some falsehoods and leading the government in the wrong direction.

The Big Lie, and the Puppet Master delivers it so glibly. Now listen to what Soros had to say to Fareed Zakaria at the conclusion of the interview.

You just had the experience of speaking to the puppet master and the extreme left-wing manipulator. And you and the audience can make their own decisions.

The Puppet Master is mocking me. He's trying to make me appear insane in an attempt to destroy my ratings, and he's encouraging liberals everywhere to do the same thing. Well, it's not going to work, and I'm going to show you how George Soros is using his vast fortune to finance the Global Caliphate in order to hasten the coming of the Antichrist and the end of my career. Right after this message from Gold Line.

Beck, superimposing that Hitler video was completely over the line.

But I was only trying to illustrate the concept of the big lie, Mister Murdoch.

I don't care. Now leave George Soros alone and find another topic. George Soros is richer than me, and I respect that in a man.

But... I already had the show planned... George Soros dissed you, Mister Rupert. He dissed FOX

I'm surprised you don't understand. Blood is thicker than water, Beck, but gold is thicker than blood.

Uhh...

Now get back out there and finish your show.

Friends, I'm going to digress a little from the topic we were discussing, because another piece of the puzzle has just fallen into place...

Beck rally bores thousands

The warning signs were first apparent Friday night after Glenn Beck make a surprise appearance at a FreedomWorks  convention. "When I first started planning this event, it was supposed to be political," Beck told the stunned TEA party group. "And then I kind of feel like God dropped a giant sandbag on my head." "I wish God would drop a giant sandbag on his head," said Joseph Barker. "When he told us last night that he had decided his rally was too important to be used for simple political goals, I felt like I'd been sucker punched. We'd already heard from Rand Paul and Marco Rubio, then Beck comes in and takes all the air out of the room. Nice work, dude." And so it was that in front of the Lincoln memorial, on a beautiful Washington day which was quite temperate for August, Glenn Beck did the one thing that nobody expected - he slowly and methodically bored the shit out of everybody. "George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Moses, and Martin Luther King - what's that got to do with taking back our country?" asked TEA party member Harriet Thatcher. "I'm a proud American and a devout Christian, and let me tell you, this was like being in church. For half the day. And I hate church, but at least today I got to wear shorts. Know what else I hate now? Beck. Who does he think he is, coming out here to lecture us and act like we need to be educated by him? I think we've been calling the wrong person 'the Messiah'." "He was out there talking about Martin Luther King, not Barack Obama," said attendee Joe Fulton. "For this I drove all the way from Memphis? I could have been at the big auto show down at the Cook Convention Center today. Tickets were only seven bucks, and I'm gonna end up spending more that ten times that much just on gas for this trip. And for what? Beck didn't rouse a bit of rabble, and that's flat out bait and switch. Sarah Palin didn't even wink at me. If I can ever make it back to my car, I'm heading straight down to Richmond and getting drunk as a skunk. At least that way this trip won't be a total loss." "Half the people he had on stage were black, and so was nearly all of the entertainment," said sunburned Tommy Addison. "This was supposed to be the TEA party Woodstock, and there were no rock bands at all. Gospel music? I just don't think that's appropriate at a rally where we were supposed to be taking back the civil rights movement. Oh, and lets not forget the bagpipes. Everybody loves bagpipes. If it wasn't for Jo Dee Messina, I would have given the whole show zero stars, but she didn't even sing any of her hits. I got one question for you Beck - Where was the Nuge?" Conservatives and rock fans weren't the only people disappointed by the event. Members of the media were left holding the bag on a story that never happened. "Yeah, I feel pretty betrayed by this whole thing," said Dana Milbank of the Washington Post. "We'd had our eye on this story for weeks, and Beck wastes the opportunity for what I guess you'd have to call public repentance. We didn't even get anything provocative out of Sarah Palin. What a waste of a day. Well, at least we have a new story line - The TEA party is hopelessly dull. I don't know why the heck we've wasted all this ink writing about them. Probably the only person happy with this is Rupert Murdoch, for FOX's decision not to air it live." Crowd size was estimated from as low as 100,000 to as high as a half million, but all sources agreed that it was probably the largest assemblage of bored people in the nation's history.

Glenn Beck for PennyStock

Hello, friends, I'm here to tell you about an exciting new investment opportunity that you've probably never even heard of. Or if you have heard of it, you may have dismissed it out of hand. I'm talking about PennyStock, an option now available to even the smallest investor. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the founding fathers lately. Just last night I was flipping through Benjamin Franklin's 'Poor Richards Almanac' and came across the famous quote 'a penny saved is a penny earned'. Now if you're like me, you've heard this before but probably haven't ever given it much thought. After all, if most of spot a penny on the sidewalk we walk right past it. Not Benjamin Franklin, though. He would pick up every penny that came his way, and needless to say, he died a very rich man. I want to show you something. See what I've got in my hand? You're probably saying to yourself, why the heck is Glenn Beck showing me a piece of gravel? That's worthless. Aha, that's where you're mistaken. Much like the common penny, one piece of gravel is worthless, but a truck full of gravel can help create the foundation of a mighty building. In the exact same way, a truck full of pennies can help create the foundation of your future wealth. That's where PennyStock comes in. Pennystock knows the value of a penny. I know a lot of you are shaking your heads right now, saying 'Glen, a penny is only worth a penny', but there are others listening who know that the zinc and copper in a modern penny is worth 1.62 cents. What's more, a pre-1982 penny is worth 2.32 cents due to it's higher copper content. That's a huge return on investment without you doing a thing. Need proof? In 2006, the Treasury Department passed regulations criminalizing the melting of pennies. But the fact is, Congress has never put into law an enforcement mechanism, and after the November election, the odds are they will take action to eliminate this toothless regulation. Now is the time to build your penny portfolio so you'll be properly positioned for the future. Even if you're not ready now to get into the smelting business, there are plenty of reasons to check out PennyStock. As raw materials become more scarce, pennies are a hedge against inflation and a great way to diversify your portfolio. Pennies are a safe haven asset that have never dropped to zero because they are guaranteed by the federal government. And you'll like them because they're a physical asset, an investment you can see and touch. Right now, for first time investors, PennyStock is offering 10,000 pennies for the unbelievably low price of $130, plus shipping and handling. Act now and you'll also receive the valuable handbook, 'The Art of Smelting'. These are unscreened pennies, which means you'll be getting your fair share of pre-1982 pennies, including coins that may well have much higher intrinsic value to collectors. You can talk to the people at PennyStock on the phone, and they're not going to pressure you. If it's the right thing for you and your family, and you want some assurance, trust the people at PennyStock. As Benjamin Franklin said, an investment in knowledge pays the best interest.

T-1000

ACORN, the supposed 'community organizer' for low and middle income families which in actuality is a monstrous Socialist election stealing machine, is closing it's doors after a steady loss of revenue caused by the revelation of their rampant promotion of pimping and hoing. They announced yesterday that they will shut down their national offices in the next two weeks. Or will they? Matthew Vadum at David Horowitz's NewsRealBlogs, doesn't think so, and he points to the undeniable fact that the next two weeks contain the date 4/1/10 - April Fool's Day. "Like the T-1000 android assassin in the movie Terminator 2 ACORN has an uncanny ability to pull itself back together even after being blown to bits. Its various state chapters which are busy pretending to break away from the national group witll re-unite in a new as yet unnamed organization in the not-too-distant future. Count on it." I myself have been relentlessly hunted by a Terminator T-1000 android assassin, so I can readily understand how the scars of paranoia such an experience might inflict on a frightened conservative mind, already driven half-mad by an increasingly oppressive society, might be quite deep indeed. It just doesn't make sense that the Terminator T-1000 android assassin would really be gone, does it? As Vadum points out, part of ACORN split off a while back and renamed it's evil self to the innocuous sounding Affordable Housing Center of America (and wasn't it affordable housing that caused the real estate bubble to burst?), and uh, uh, ACORN is "still number one in the heart of President Obama" - the dictator who rules Amerika with an iron fist, and uh, uh, the Terminator said '"I'll be back" and he did come back, although when he came back he was the hero which is kind of confusing although isn't confusion the whole point here? Of course, most conservative thinkers see Vadum's line of thought as the understandable delusion that it is, an attempt to make sense out of a senseless world, and concede the fact that ACORN is really gone. Yet what on earth is going on here? With the 'community organizers' finally on their death bed, the world was at long last beginning to right itself. Gubernatorial victories in Virginia and New Jersey, Scott Brown in Massachusetts, regaining control of Congress a 2010 a possibility, and then suddenly, Health Care defeat is stolen from the GOP and the future dims so much that they no longer need to wear shades. "Something has happened, there's no doubt about it," said leading conservative philosopher Newt Gingrich on the Glenn Beck show. "There's no doubt that the Right's victory over Health Care was stolen from us, but I don't believe that ACORN has returned. But who is it? Could it be George Soros and MoveOn? They're kind of yesterdays news, though. All I know is we've got to get to the bottom of this quick, before our mighty resurgence is stopped dead in it's tracks." "No disrespect, but I think you're overlooking something that's a little obvious here," replied Beck, forefinger hovering thoughtfully along his lower lip. "Something, coincidentally, that was mentioned just a couple of paragraphs ago." "I intentionally wasn't paying attention," admitted Newt. "I try not to listen to nutty ideas so as to avoid clouding my own laser-like mental emanations." "If you ignore nutty ideas, you may miss out on the opportunity to glean an important nugget of truth. The fact is, when the Terminator did return, he was seen by many people as the hero, someone who could save mankind from the new improved Terminator, who was also a model T-1000, but much improved. I don't know why they didn't bother to change the model number, though..." "They didn't change the model number because they wanted people to think the good new Terminator was the same as the bad old Terminator," shouted Newt. "By God, Glenn, you were right about listening to nutty ideas. The good new shape-shifting Terminator is the Republican Party. But the good new Terminator was stuck with the bad old Terminator's name, while the bad old Terminator was just a guy played by Arnold Schwarzenegger." "So you're saying the Terminator is Arnold Schwarzenegger?" "Not at all, Glenn, I'm saying that the bad old Terminator is someone that's playing a part, a man with the power to cloud men's minds and make them believe crazy things." "Barrack Obama?" "No, Glenn, I'm saying that Terminator is you." "Hey, now listen to who's saying nutty things. Well, that's all the time we've got for today folks. Join me again tomorrow. And Newt - Hasta la vista, baby." "Yiii, don't kill me, Glenn, don't kill me." "Whoa, whoa... I'm not going to kill you, Newt, no matter how much it might help my ratings. What the heck's gotten into you?" "I don't know, Glenn. I guess everybody's been a little paranoid lately. I worry that the party may be self-destructing. Sorry." "No problemo. It's in your nature to destroy yourselves."

Eric Massa Comix

What are you doing? I don't like the way you're looking at me, Beck. Like I'm some sorta piece of meat or something... Hey! Hey! Watch the finger. What the fuck, are you trying to poke me?
Of course not, Congressman... or should I say, ex-Congressman Massa. I'm simply trying to point out that you seem to be a sort of bellwether for the fate of the Democratic Party.
Well, it sure looked as though you were trying to poke me with that meaty protuberance of yours. And don't call me a bellwether... Uh, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
You're a guest on this show, so of course it's meant as a good thing. I'm saying that you are amongst the first of many Democrats who will be forced to leave Congress because of controversy and scandal.
Oh yeah, I guess you mean Democrat dissidents like me who will be forced to unjustly leave Congress. But if you want to talk about scandal...
I do, I do... Such as the scandal of saying you were resigning from Congress because of cancer when the truth is you were facing sexual harassment charges. From guys. Go on and talk, ex-Congressman, I'm hanging onto your every little word.
I submit to you that sexual harassment charges are a form of cancer when they're based on nothing but lies and innuendo. And bogus on top of that. I was driven out of the Democratic Party because I was the deciding vote on health care, and my vote was a resounding NO.
I like the NO part, ex-Congressman, but you were voting no because you didn't think the bill was Socialistic enough. So, just who was this very scary individual that forced you to resign?
That person, if you can even call such a monstrosity a person, was Barrack Obama's hatchet man - Rahm Emanuel.
Yes, Rahm Emanuel, the very spawn of Satan himself! He would do anything to win a vote, a man who would waterboard his own mother, a man who freezes holy water into ice cubes for the purpose of chilling his own Bloody Marys, a beast who would spread vicious lies to destroy a man like Eric Massa.
Holy cow, ex-Congressman, this is so much worse than the American people might even realize. I think we all know that the Obama administration is filled with Chicago thugs, but Rahm Emanuel is the worst.
Hey Glenn, wanna hear a funny story? It wasn't that amusing when it happened to me, but your audience might get a kick out of it. And it involves a lot of male nudity.
Do go on.
Well, this happened when I had just been in office for a few weeks. I was down at the congressional gym, where I was naked as a jaybird because I was taking a shower, you know? So I'm lathering up, and I take a peek outside my stall and who do you think I see staring intently at me? Rahm Emanuel. And he's naked as a jaybird, not even a towel around his tush. And I had to ask myself ,what the heck is Rahm Emanuel doing here in the congressional gym, naked as a jaybird?
This story seems to have a lot of jaybirds in it, ex-Congressman, but go ahead and tell me, what was Rahm Emanuel doing in the congressional gym, and why was he staring at you?
He was coming to take my vote, Glenn, and I wasn't about to let that happen. We were both as naked as jaybirds, yes, we had that much in common, but I was going to vote against the president's budget and Rahm Emanuel wasn't about to let that occur.
Before I knew what was happening, Rahm Emanuel walked right into my shower and began poking me in the chest. With his finger. And he was shouting at me and the next thing I knew we had tumbled to the floor, both naked as jaybirds, and he was punching me and poking me and prodding me, all in a futile attempt to get my vote. I maintained my integrity that time, but he's hated me ever since day, and now it looks like he wins.
Huh. Well, as much as I would like to believe your story, ex-Congressman Massa, I think that you are trying to deceive my vast audience in, if you'll pardon the pun, a naked attempt to garner sympathy and deflect attention away from your own misdeeds. Rahm Emanuel is too cool and calculating a political operative to risk his credibility on an individual of your minor consequence. And now, this interview has reached it's conclusion.
Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?
No I don't. That's it for the show today, folks. Join me again tomorrow when I shall have no guest except for my chalkboard and the eyes of the nation.
Whew, boy, I'm glad to have that hour over and done. That guy was really starting to give me the creeps... How do you think the show went?
About as good as could be expected. I appreciate it, Glenn. Drinks are on me.

Beck and King battle at box office

Glenn Beck and Larry King entered a battle for last place at the box office this weekend, with each producing and starring in new holiday oriented films. With gross receipts now in, both talk show hosts are able to claim a victory of sorts. Beck's film had the higher gross, which industry estimates place in the neighborhood of $68,000, while King's film took in about half that, at $37,000. However, insiders are quick to point out that 'The Christmas Sweater' opened at over 200 theaters with tickets costing $20 each, and seats sold per theater set a new low in cities like New York and Boston, which sold only 17 tickets each. 'The Hanukkah Trousers', on the other hand, played to  moderately full houses in both Miami and Brooklyn, the two areas it opened. The considerably more moderate $4 ticket also included a free cup of coffee or a small soda. The two projects have generated a good bit of controversy over the past few weeks, with both of the TV gasbags accusing the other of plagiarism. Neither man has taken legal recourse at this point, with both making legitimate claims that the plot lines are based on their own personal childhood experiences. Beck's 'Christmas Sweater', as summarized by Publisher's Weekly, is the story of 12 year old Eddie and his poor single mother: Despite his single mother's financial hardships, 12-year-old Eddie is certain this Christmas he will receive his much-desired Huffy bike. To his dismay, what he finds under the tree is "a stupid, handmade, ugly sweater" that his mother carefully modeled after those she can't afford at Sears (one of four places she keeps part-time jobs). Eddie tosses the sweater and insults his mother before the two go visit his grandparents at their farmhouse. On the drive home, though, Eddie's exhausted mother falls asleep at the wheel and crashes, dying instantly. After these terrible events, Eddie becomes increasingly hostile and lashes out at the world, but then renews his belief in God and wonders just what the heck had gotten into him. The plot to King's story is much the same, except that it involves a pair of  "stupid, Sears-made ugly Khaki trousers" that his protagonist Larry receives on the final night of Hanukkah. His mother is then shot by a burglar attempting to steal the family Menorah, and Larry becomes increasingly hostile. "That's where the similarity ends between these two stories," insists King. "My protagonist searches the entire apartment until he finds the receipt for those trousers, which he returns to Sears for a full cash refund."