The GBN

It's an exciting day in the broadcast industry, as reports hit the media that Glenn Beck, following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey and Martha Stewart may start his own network once his contract with FOX News expires.   "The Glenn Beck Network would be nothing at all like Martha Stewart's or Oprah Winfrey's channels," says Joel Cheatwood, a former senior Fox News executive who now works for Beck's Mercury Radio Arts. "Instead of being full of fluff, it would be fun of gravitas, while still providing the entertainment value people have come to expect from Glenn. It wouldn't be a competitor to FOX News either, because we wouldn't labor under the pretense of being balanced or fair. That's one of the slogans Glenn came up with - 'Life isn't fair and neither are we'."   Assuming the network is launched, a full schedule is currently under consideration. Aside from a live broadcast of Beck's radio show and an expanded edition of his FOX Show, segments already in the planning stages include a nightly newscast with anchor G. Gordon Liddy and 'The Nighttime Show' with host Dick Morris.   "I don't know why that guy isn't already under contract with somebody," says Cheatwood. "Morris is funny, personable, intelligent, and he does a great imitation of Nancy Pelosi. Imagine if we could get him to do that in drag!"   "We're also in talks with Ellen Page to do a daily show, kind of in the style of Jerry Springer, only better. If she signs on, we would call it 'Ellen's Degenerate Show', and the idea is to have her confront all manner of undesirables - Muslims, drug addicts, liberals, sex offenders, intellectuals, atheists, the list goes on and on. It's wouldn't be exploitative, more like trying to figure out what makes these people tick." "'American Patriot' is a show that Glenn is very enthused about," Cheatwood continues excitedly. "It would feature sixteen competitors who vie for the prestigious title of  'America's Top Young Patriot Who's Not an Elitist or Nerd' by singing patriotic songs. "It would be nothing at all like 'American Idol' because, like I said, the songs would be patriotic and the judges would all be retired marines and astronauts." Other shows under consideration include 'The Monogamist', wherein a happily married man would be severely tempted by a bevy of half dressed Hollywood starlets, a religious themed sitcom titled 'How I Met Your Maker', and an ingenuous new show called 'The Biggest Gainer', which would follow a group of anorexic young women trying to establish a healthy metabolism.   "That is such a brilliant concept," Cheatwood marvels. "Instead of watching a bunch of chubbys trying to shed the pounds, you'd have a group of potentially hot chicks who are going to look better every week. And the ladies will love it too, because it's part cooking show. We would have America's top chefs feeding these girls delicious foods that you would just die for."   Perhaps the most exciting show, as well as the real ratings grabber, is already a go when the network launches.   "It's called 'Guess That Palin'," Cheatwood announces proudly. "It would be a weekly show in which a different member of the Palin family would appear and attempt to stump a panel of blindfolded guest celebrities who are trying to guess their identity through a series of questions. Now I know what you're saying, 'Jeff, there's only a finite number of Palins', but the thing is, they could come on multiple times. Like, Willow could be on three times in a row for all our celebrities know. And to add to the fun, we plan on using only celebrities who are really spaced out or really dumb, or hopefully a combination of both. For our debut show we would love to have Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, and Courtney Love, but if Lindsey Lohan is available, we'd love to talk to her about becoming a regular."