tsuris

Rick Sanchez yesterday became the latest victim of the vast Zionist Media Conspiracy, abruptly being fired from CNN after he made the catastrophic mistake of directing attention towards the vast Zionist Media Conspiracy.   "Such a yammering meshugeneh, he is," said CNN elder Harrell Rubenstein. "Even the most farblondzhet goy knows that the first rule of Semite Club is you do not talk about Semite Club."   Sanchez made his remarks while appearing on the enormously popular SiriusXM show 'Stand Up! With Pete Dominick', where he called Jon Stewart a bigot. He then attempted to temper his remarks by saying that Stewart was not all that different from the other powerful Jews who ruthlessly run CNN and all of the other networks, while pretending to be oppressed minorities. Which is such a crock, you know, because it's Sanchez who is the oppressed minority.   "White folks usually don't see it. But we do - those of us who are minorities and women see it sometimes, too, from men in authority," Sanchez said. In a shocking anecdote, he revealed that a CNN executive had once told him "I really don't see you as an anchor, I see you more as a reporter." Hurtful words indeed, and Sanchez could not hide his bitterness, muttering "An anchor is what you give the high-profile white guys, you know."   "What a shmendrik," chuckled CNN alter kocker Larry King. "Who realized he wasn't a white guy? He looks pretty white to me, even if his name is Sanchez. Maybe it was a publicity stunt, seeing as how he was promoting his book 'Conventional Idiocy'. I think it's funny. He may not think it's funny but what does he know, the putz."

the doctor is out

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Pants on the ground

See that map behind Larry? Yeah, I know you can't see all of it. I believe that's the Louisiana coast Larry is sitting in front of, but the important thing is that each one of those dots represents a 'writer' who thought it would be a really funny idea to title their piece 'Larry King is hanging up his suspenders'. Kudos to Newsweek for at least being original enough to say that Larry was hanging up his crown. I'm holding out hope that somewhere out their is a writer creative enough to go with 'Larry King is packing up his softballs' or 'Larry King to spend more time with his wives'. Come on people, look alive. I'll miss Larry, not because I watch him, but because he's an important stock player in my imaginary universe. Just in the past year I've had him interview the Underwear Bomber, comment on Michaele and Tareq, and battle Glenn Beck's 'Christmas Sweater' at the box office with his own production of 'The Hanukkah Trousers'. Yesterday when writing about the Elena Kagan hearings, I toyed with the idea of having Senator Sessions give his remaining time to Larry, and in retrospect, I wish I had gone for it. So long, Larry, it's been fun having you around.

Larry King Live

"I mean, Larry King would have a more thorough interrogation of one of his guests than the Christmas bomber had by the Justice Department." - Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell "We're here tonight with our special guest, Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known to the American public as the Underwear Bomber. Good evening, Omar, and welcome to Larry King Live." "Good evening, Larry, and the name is Umar, not Omar." "Umar. That's a pretty unusual name, isn't it? Did you change your name in order to make yourself sound more terrifying?" "No, Larry, that was the name given to me by my father Alhaji, and it is obviously not a very terrifying one, since everybody just calls me the Underwear Bomber." "Which is not a terrifying name at all. Do you think that people call you that as a way to help them mask their fear?" "No, I believe that people just think it's a funny name, and quite frankly I'm very embarrassed by it." "As well you should be. So, Omar, can you tell me why you wanted to blow up Northwest Airlines Flight 253?" "That's a matter before the courts, Larry, and I said before I agreed to come on your show that I would not discuss it." "Rats... So, do you feel betrayed by your father, who tried to warn the authorities that you were a potential menace to society? You must have some very strong negative feelings towards him. Did you ever feel like murdering your Dad?" "Not really, Larry. I think that he did what he thought was best for my well-being, particularly considering the fact that I had changed in ways that he might not have understood." "Such as your desire to blow up the United States?" "Excuse me? Larry, everything that was discussed with my lawyer, I'll say once again, is completely confidential. I'm not going to be able to talk about it. So I'm just letting you know that ahead of time." "Rats... You can't even admit that you intended to kill innocent people? I mean, the purpose of carrying explosives in your underwear must have been..." "Larry, you're being inappropriate. You really are. So I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just asking a question." "I'm not going to talk about anything discussed with my lawyers. Those were confidential statements. You know that." "All I'm asking is... Well... All right, Omar. Legal rules tonight. So let me ask you about your underwear... Where did you buy your underpants? I don't believe that it could have been at Sears or Wal-Mart, as they seem to have been underpants of a very unique - let's say explosive - nature, ones that could not ordinarily be procured at your average suburban shopping mall." "They did not explode, Larry, but for the record, they did give me second degree burns on my balls. And again, this line of questioning is very inappropriate." "But you do agree that you had special underwear?" 'Yes. It was very special underwear." "Do you know who else has some very special underwear? Angie Dickinson... She had this red lace bra and panty set that used to make me so hot that..." "Larry, you... you're being inappropriate, OK? And I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just talking about the great star of film and television, sometimes referred to as the classiest woman in show biz, which I would say is a far cry from being referred to as the Underwear Bomber, and I... You're leaving, Omar? Because the studio door is locked... Rats. Did he hear me speaking to him? Omar? Is security still out there? Rats. Is he leaving because I brought up Angie Dickinson? Because I... Rats... This is the last time that I take a guest recommendation from Mitch McConnell... Who do we have backstage? Mitch McConnell? Rats..."

Beck and King battle at box office

Glenn Beck and Larry King entered a battle for last place at the box office this weekend, with each producing and starring in new holiday oriented films. With gross receipts now in, both talk show hosts are able to claim a victory of sorts. Beck's film had the higher gross, which industry estimates place in the neighborhood of $68,000, while King's film took in about half that, at $37,000. However, insiders are quick to point out that 'The Christmas Sweater' opened at over 200 theaters with tickets costing $20 each, and seats sold per theater set a new low in cities like New York and Boston, which sold only 17 tickets each. 'The Hanukkah Trousers', on the other hand, played to  moderately full houses in both Miami and Brooklyn, the two areas it opened. The considerably more moderate $4 ticket also included a free cup of coffee or a small soda. The two projects have generated a good bit of controversy over the past few weeks, with both of the TV gasbags accusing the other of plagiarism. Neither man has taken legal recourse at this point, with both making legitimate claims that the plot lines are based on their own personal childhood experiences. Beck's 'Christmas Sweater', as summarized by Publisher's Weekly, is the story of 12 year old Eddie and his poor single mother: Despite his single mother's financial hardships, 12-year-old Eddie is certain this Christmas he will receive his much-desired Huffy bike. To his dismay, what he finds under the tree is "a stupid, handmade, ugly sweater" that his mother carefully modeled after those she can't afford at Sears (one of four places she keeps part-time jobs). Eddie tosses the sweater and insults his mother before the two go visit his grandparents at their farmhouse. On the drive home, though, Eddie's exhausted mother falls asleep at the wheel and crashes, dying instantly. After these terrible events, Eddie becomes increasingly hostile and lashes out at the world, but then renews his belief in God and wonders just what the heck had gotten into him. The plot to King's story is much the same, except that it involves a pair of  "stupid, Sears-made ugly Khaki trousers" that his protagonist Larry receives on the final night of Hanukkah. His mother is then shot by a burglar attempting to steal the family Menorah, and Larry becomes increasingly hostile. "That's where the similarity ends between these two stories," insists King. "My protagonist searches the entire apartment until he finds the receipt for those trousers, which he returns to Sears for a full cash refund."

Whores cancel King

Michaele and Tareq, perhaps the very brightest jewels in the fabulous Whore family, are feeling rather miffed tonight, and not without a goddamn good reason too."It's absurd what is happening to this couple," said the Whore's spokesperson, the ultra-fabulous Mahogany Jones. "At the moment, the Whores are the most famous couple in America, and yet, they have been unable to score a mid-six-figure deal to tell their story, which is just about the most interesting story you've ever heard this week. Balloon Boy was just a blip on the radar by comparison, but the Whores are the real thing, and let me assure you, the Whores expect to be paid." "There's not much more to say except than it's a mystery to me," said  truth-in-labeling 'King of Talk Television' Larry King. The Whores have cancelled a Monday night appearance on King's Pulitzer Prize winning show, causing the host to become more befuddled than he has been in weeks. "I would have paid the Whores in a heartbeat if it was up to me, but unfortunately it is not up to me." "I'll admit that my mouth fell open when I heard the amount that the Whores wanted," continued King, a man not unaccustomed to having his mouth fall open, "But after all, these are the Whores, and you shouldn't expect the Whores to come cheap. I sadly admit that I work for a network which purports to be a 'news outlet', and they refuse to pay for the very thing that they claim as their currency. That's crazy, I'll admit as much, but as long as they keep paying for The King, I'll keep my trap shut about it. Unless, that is, someone wants to pay me for an interview." "I'm not sorry for myself, I'm sorry for my country," said King, not revealing the sorrow which lurked deep within his heart. "I suppose that without me, America will never get to hear the intriguing true story of the Whores. Well, nobody except for the fortunate few who get the E! Network. And after that, I suppose CNN will report it too, since at that point it will officially be news. But it will be old news, no longer the most interesting story you've heard this week. Ah, well, I've had a long career, so I guess I'll just say 'so much for the Whores'.  And fortunately, at the last moment, I was able to book the greatest American Idol ever, Kelly Clarkson, who will be with us the full hour to discuss why Obama should dump Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary."