Jihadi Tunes

From the Department of bad ideas, an al-Qaeda affiliate affectionately known as Abu al-Laith al-Yemen has announced the planned production of an animated film for children. According to the press release on the Jihadist al-Shamouk website, the cartoon will be "a very exciting story that tells the facts about who let down the Islamic religion and the Prophet." (Without giving away too much, I can reveal that the dreaded individual who does the letting down is a shadowy character known as Infidel Man.) The press release goes on to say that the cartoon will track "real incidents and features heroic actions by the Mujahideen in the Prophet's peninsula" before helpfully adding that "these incidents include raids, armed engagements and assassinations."   You can't have a good al-Qaeda press release without some sort of a mission statement, and this one does not disappoint. The cartoon is being offered as an "alternative to the poison that is broadcast by other TV channels to our children and youth."   "I cannot imagine what channel would broadcast this," says Ali Yahya Al-Ahmar, spokesman for Yemen's Al-Saeeda television. "We are not by nature a cartoon loving people, and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. I myself enjoy the occasional cartoon, but in this instance I feel the direction is misguided. When the coyote beheads the roadrunner, it simply does not produce a chuckle."

Al Hudayda General Hospital

- KABOOM - "Owww! Mohamedamnit! Ebn el sharmoota!"   "Dr Saleh! What on earth is the matter?"   "I just lost another accursed patient, Nurse Jasmeen. He blew right up, and his liver nearly put my eye out... At least I think that was his liver."    "Oh my, what an unsightly mess this one has created."   "Yes, I believe that my sterile work environment has been temporarily violated." "Indeed it is so. I shall summon the orderly to restore it, but I fear that it shall be beyond usefulness for the rest of the day."   "Perhaps that is for the best. He is the fourth one I have lost today and it's not even time for afternoon prayers. It may be that I do not even have the requisite skills necessary for properly implanting explosives inside of the human abdomen."   "They say that practice makes perfect, and surely that is true. I have faith in you, Dr Saleh. You are the best al-Qaeda surgeon in all of Yemen."   "That is very kind of you to say, Nurse Jasmeen, although as you well know, I am the only al-Qaeda surgeon in all of Yemen... Leadership comes up with these brilliant ideas, but then it is up to us to figure out how to implement them. I believe they do not understand how very difficult it is to get a suicide bomber onto the operating table."   "Yes, they all say they are willing to die, just not in that manner."   "Tell me about it. After all, where is the glory in dying on the table? Somehow it just does not seem right to have to drug a suicide bomber... And then you have to worry that if the operation turns out to be a success, they will extract their vengeance on you instead of the infidels."   "Thus far, that has not been an issue you have had to face."   "Heh heh. True enough, although Omed's liver surely seemed as though it was seeking retribution. Does my eye appear swollen?"   "Oh yes. You will have a black eye for certain, Dr Saleh... I would suggest that you put a piece of liver on it, but you informed me that you have already tried that."   "Ha ha ha ha... Good one, Nurse Jasmeen."   "Thank you, doctor. I'm just glad it wasn't one of those explosive belly laughs."   "Bwahaha ha ha, hoo hoo hoo hoo!"   "I suppose that is something we won't be able to extract from Omed anymore."   "Wah ha ha ha, hee hee hee hee! Stop it, Nurse Jasmine, your jests are killing me!"   "That should grant you a little more empathy for your patients."   "Bwahaha ha ha, wah ha ha ha..."   "Sorry about that, doctor, but just like you, I do so love to finish with a bang."   "Hoo hoo hoo hoo... Good times, Nurse Jasmeen, good times."   "Good times, Dr Saleh."

new terror alert system

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced the new Terror Alert system to go into effect immediately. It has three levels - elevated, imminent, and in a novel idea, none. Threats with a specific level of intelligence will come with information specific to certain places, certain sectors such as commercial aviation or hotels, or could detail specific terrorist tactics, trends, or behavior that the public should be aware, and they will be accompanied with copious PowerPoint charts. "Why is this President so compelled to muck with things that aren't broken?" whined former presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on the Sean Hannity show. "Bush put in a great system. All you had to do was look at a color. I don't have time for this. I can't even make it through the first chart; it just looks like a plate of spaghetti. What do you think, Donald?"   "I think the media needs to investigate the..."   "She asked me, Hannity," responded current Republican pet rock Donald Trump. "I'll tell you precisely what I think of this system, Sarah. It really grills my cheese is what it does. I don't have any trouble reading the charts because I'm a very successful businessman and reading PowerPoint charts is an occupational hazard. But you know who else won't have any trouble reading these charts?"   "Who, Donald?"   "I'll tell you precisely who won't have any trouble reading these charts, Sarah. Islamic terrorists. al-Qaeda. Enemies of this country who want to do us harm."   "It's like Obama is trying to..."   "Hush, Sean. It's like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy."   "I was going to say that..."   "I'm trying to speak now, Hannity. It's precisely like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy, Sarah. This stuff should be on a need to know basis, not out there available to every Tom, Dick and Osama."   "With the strong Republican majority we've got in the House..."   "Sean, if we're going to appear on your show, you need to learn not to talk over us. We need to use our strong Republican majority in the House to repeal this system and repeal this president."   "That's the insidious thing. Congress doesn't get to vote on..."   "Will you put a sock in it, Hannity?"

somebody wants a fatwa

"I categorically deny that I am a contemptible motherfucker," declared Pastor Terry Jones in the wake of a violent 20,000 person strong Afghani riot that killed at least a dozen people, seven of which were U.N. workers. "I take words literally, and that describes an act that I have never indulged in. By the same token, I deny being a despicable son of a bitch. There are those who have called me a loathsome bastard, but I have a birth certificate that proves them wrong. I am not quibbling with people's choices of adjectives, but their nouns are way off base."   In case you missed it - and the Afghanis most assuredly did not - the odious miscreant who gained worldwide attention by threatening to burn a Koran at his 'church' last summer quietly made good on his threat last week, with the resultant violent reaction just now beginning to fan out across the Middle East.   "Odious miscreant? I like that," said Jones. "It more accurately describes me as an individual. But let me ask you honestly, was this particular act really so horrible? All I did was host a little church social where we put the Koran on trial. When we found it guilty, we had no choice other than to punish it. Think about it. You couldn't really call it a trial, if there wasn't a punishment, so we sentenced it to death and executed it. Soaked that vile book in kerosene, put it on a metal tray, and lit it up with a barbeque lighter. Then we all danced around the fire in a circle and masturbated."   As might be expected, the depraved asshole takes no responsibility for the repercussions of his actions, claiming that Muslims "used the Koran burning as an excuse to promote their violent activities".   "I categorically deny that I am a depraved asshole," replies Jones. "I have an asshole but it is not the totality of my being. Lets just stick with odious miscreant and call it a day."

Rush reacts

Sheriff Dupnik is to blame, of course. In the aftermath of the Arizona assassinations, Dupnik was interviewed by CNN, where he blamed the atmosphere that caused the event on "the vitriolic rhetoric that we hear day in and day out from people in the radio business and some people in the TV business". Later he even suggested that perhaps Sarah Palin stirred the pot a bit by targeting Congressman Gifford with a rifle scope in one of her excellent Facebook PowerPoints.  Then Keith Olberman went on the air with the same argument, and a couple crazy bloggers too, but none cut with the force of Dupnik . Rush went wild today, seeing as he was the man under attack, blaming everyone from Barack Obama to heavy metal for the Arizona murders (a partial list of the guilty here), but Dupnak is particularly blameworthy. He Revealed to his dittoheads the shocking fact that Dupnik is a registered Democrat, an important point that the 'lamestream' media has neglected to mention. An important fact, because the media and the Democrats have a conspiracy to get Rush. There are 'political reasons', doncha know, and Limbaugh explained that "this is what all of this is really all about. It is all political. I was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 … it’s the template, it’s the narrative."   As you probably recall, Limbaugh was blamed for the Oklahoma City bombing, but was ultimately exonerated when a judge determined that he was too wasted that year to have been a plausible suspect. But his point, as usual,  is well taken; it's all about Rush.

Don't touch me there

An epidemic of virulent modesty has unexpectedly spread across the nation, as travelers recoil in dread at the prospect of being patted down or body scanned. Indeed, a new Gallup poll shows that having one's junk touched now ranks ahead of terrorism as the number one source of air travel trepidation.    "If a bomb goes off in the plane, it's all over with pretty quick," explains former passenger Luanne Simmons. "That's something I could live with. Well, for a few seconds, anyway. But a strange pair of hands on my body, that's something that would haunt me for the rest of my life."    "I have to agree with Luanne on that," added her husband Randy. "She doesn't even like my hands on her body so it would absolutely be a problem for her. Now me, I could use a good feel, but the thing that drives me crazy, the thing I find absolutely obscene, is the TSA's insistence on using same-sex screeners. I guess that's all a part of the liberal homosexual agenda, and I've got to ask myself, what if I liked it? What then? Well, I guess I'll never find out because I'm not going to fly again until they have the scanners at all the airports."   "That's not a very well thought out plan, Randy," replied Luanne. "Do you really want to have those perverts in the booths masturbating over images of your naked body?"   "No I don't want it, Luanne, but I'd probably be willing to take that gamble. I mean, those guys can't be masturbating all the time, can they?"   "No, I suppose not. And I don't guess it's all that different than now when they try to undress you with their eyes. But still, there's the possibility that one of the machines might be out of order or that you might set it off somehow through no fault of your own or..."   "Or they happen to pick you for one of those random searches? God, those insidious bastards. This is one of those no win situations. It seems as though we're earthbound, Luanne."

Reactions to the Ghailani verdict

The conclusion of the federal trial of former Guantanamo Bay detainee Ahmed Ghailani, which ended with one conviction and 284 acquittals, has left most everyone surprised, as New York City was not destroyed by terrorists hell bent on disrupting it.   "This is another great opportunity for us to rip the Obama administration," said a jubilant Mitch McConnell. "Their heedless disregard for the rule of military law put all Americans in danger, and for what? One lousy conviction? At least this gives us a better opportunity of convicting Obama to being a one term president. But the Ghailani verdict is a disgrace. I heard that his conviction carries a penalty of twenty years to life, and with this liberal New York judge, he'll probably get the twenty with credit for time already served. At least that's what I hope."   "This was a great victory for American justice," said Attorney General Eric Holder. "Those 284 acquittals occurred because the charges were based on information obtained through torture, and this affirms the fact that torture is against the law for any reason. But he was convicted and he will be behind bars, which is a good thing. Another good thing is that this gives us a good excuse to not bring any more of these detainees to the U.S. for trials. If I had known what a can of worms that was going to be, I never would have opened it." "This is not such a bad place as far as interment camps go," noted Guantanamo detainee Khalil Rahman Hafez. "I did four years locked up in Islamabad, and that place was a shithole, so I know whereof I speak. The weather is nice, they don't beat us too much, and they feed us three times a day. And let me tell you, the food is amazing! They know more ways of preparing a chicken than I would ever imagine. So if the Americans think that the trial of brother Ghailani is reason to keep us here, that is a good thing, because truth be told, I've seen Lockup on the camp television, and the thought of going to New York scares the crap out of me." "I felt very personally invested in this case," said America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani. "I mean Ghailani, Giuliani, they sound a lot alike, you know? And there are plenty of people that don't pay very close attention to the news, so when they heard Ghailani was on trial, they probably thought 'yeah, he's just another crooked politician', so I'm hoping that when they heard about the 284 acquittals they realized that I'm not such a bad guy after all. I mean, I'm sorry if these people are confused but it would be nice if they'd be consistent about it."

Inspire

"Excuse me. Excuse me young man, I am talking to you. Yes, you with the scraggly beard. You do not even appear to be old enough to be looking at my adult magazines. Let me tell you something, young sir, there is a very good reason why these magazines are encased inside of cellophane. People from all walks of life travel in and out of this airport, and when they come into my news stand, many of them do not appreciate being assaulted by photographs of depraved American women displaying their most private of parts. Now that you have removed the protective covering I am going to have to insist that you pay for this copy of Juggs and leave my establishment immediately. Now hand it to me. What? What's this? You have secreted another magazine inside of it?" "I... I was going to buy them both." "Indeed you shall. Now let's see, that is six dollars and ninety-five cents for the filth, and... Oh. This is the new issue of Inspire magazine? I did not recognize it as such. From the cover it appeared to be a news periodical." "It is a news periodical, news about our struggle. I mean, news about the struggle of certain Muslims that are frequently referred to as radical." "A group to which I assume you see yourself as a member, am I correct? Do not answer. There are cameras everywhere." "That is the very reason that I concealed this copy of Inspire inside of American pornography." "Your wisdom belies your age, young sir. But let me ask you this question - is it truly wise to buy an issue of Inspire? When Inspire first appeared, it was fresh and new, but this slick periodical I now see before me appears little different than a copy of Newsweek." "You cannot judge a magazine by it's cover. A quick glance at it's pages will quickly prove that it is as intensely dedicated to global jihad as ever!" "Please speak with less volume. The customers are staring." "Pardon my enthusiasm, but please take a look at page 32." "'Fall's Five Must Have Hijabs'? I am most certain that my wife would desire these, but..." "Perhaps it is on page 42." "'The Ultimate Mowing Machine'? Bwah ha ha ha. I see. This is most amusing. That is a Ford 4x4, not a lawnmower." "It is a Ford 4x4 packed with explosives, not to mow down grass but to mow down the enemies of Allah!" "I asked you to keep your voice down, young sir. You may not care about your own well being but please show some respect for mine. I apologize for not being impressed by the infidel lawnmower of vengeance. I am certain that if one had such a device it would be most effective. But I still maintain that Inspire has sold out, and I need look no further than this article titled 'Shish kebab on a budget' or the pullout section about the ten best new shows on the Arab Radio and Television Network." "They say that all work and no play makes Youssef a dull boy. I for one am eager to read the lead piece, 'Until we taste what Hamza ibn Abdul Muttalib tasted'." "He tasted a little smoke and flame, did he not? That idiot boy roasted his own chestnuts without harming a single infidel. But very well, let me just bag up your purchases." "Uh, hold on before you ring that up. On second thought, I believe that I will just take the copy of Juggs."

hot off the presses

"Let's see... Newsweek, Popular Mechanics, American Girl, and... what's this, Inspire... huh, we must have just gotten this in... 'Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom'... That certainly sounds interesting, I'll have to..." "Just bag it up, please, my flight leaves in ten minutes." "Certainly young sir, I just have to find the price and..." "Right there in the corner." "Well I can see that, young man, but I'm looking for the American price. Maybe it's on the inside cover. Oh... 'How to Save the World' by Osama bin Laden. Say, isn't he that guy who..." "I have no idea who he is. Please, I'm in a hurry." "As are we all. Now if you'll just bear with me a moment... Sally, do you know how much 18 riyals is? 18 riyals. No, not royals, riyals. This young gentleman is buying a copy of Inspire magazine and the only price I can find is in riyals. Inspire, yes, it's some sort of new political magazine, I suppose. Or maybe a fashion magazine, I can't really tell. 'The West Should Ban the Niqab Covering It's Real Face'. Check the inventory, would you Sally. It's from al-Malahem Media." "Look, I really am in a hurry. I believe that 18 riyals is around five dollars. I'll give you six and we'll call it even." "No sir, I'm afraid I can't go around willy-nilly allowing customers to name their own price. The fact is that I can't sell this magazine until I..." "Nik nefsik. May the fleas of a thousand camels take up residence in your mother's drawers." "I don't have to take that sort of abuse from a customer. I've got half a mind to call security and... Hey, come back here with those magazines... Security! Security! Oh look, he ran off without his wallet. Won't be going far without that... Some of the nuts you see at the airport, a grown man slinking around and buying American Girl magazine. Seemed to me like he was way too young to even have a daughter..."

protecting the American people should only go so far...

Okay, so maybe Holy Joe Lieberman does want to revoke the citizenship of any American affiliating with foreign terrorist organizations rather than face up to the fact that there is de facto such a thing as an American terrorist, but I think we need to at least give the guy a few points for consistency. Joe also wants to restrict the second amendment rights of anyone who's on the Terrorist Watch List, and a lot of people who supported his first proposition view his second one as going one step too far. Our latest high profile terrorist, Faisal the Incompetent, bought himself a shiny new handgun during the execution phase of his attempted mayhem and had it with him as he drove towards his aborted getaway. In reality, that gun in his hand was far more dangerous than the bomb in his car. Now to be honest, Faisal wasn't on the watch list when he bought his firearm, but it wouldn't have made any difference because being a suspected terrorist isn't a problem at the gun shop. You might think that no one could possibly have an objection to closing this legal loophole, but I suppose the very fact that you're reading this at FGAQ has already led you to the conclusion that you're sadly mistaken. Yesterday Lieberman's Homeland Security Panel had a hearing on the matter where NYC Mayor Bloomberg and NYPD Commissioner Kelley made the case for preventing terrorism suspects from purchasing guns and explosives. Pro-gun panel members Tom Coburn, Jon Tester, John Ensign, and Maverick McCain refused to attend. An invited spokesman for the Liberty Coalition proclaimed that "the bill should be titled the Gun Owners Are Probably All Terrorists Act." The NRA preemptively originated that bizarre conspiracy meme back in December 2009 in response to the Fort Hood shootings in an epistle that seemingly argues against even having a watch list. To wit: "Politicians who hate the Second Amendment know that some of the good Americans who are erroneously on the list, or who get incorrectly flagged by the list, are gun owners. And, because the FBI won’t reveal its watchlisting criteria, those politicians think that more gun owners can be placed on the list over time, by like-minded bureaucrats making arbitrary determinations about who ought to have guns." Unlike the Maverick, Lindsey Graham at least had the balls to attend the hearing and voice his objections in person. "We're talking about a constitutional right here," said the Senator who isn't the least bit soft on terrorism. "I am all into national security... Please understand that I feel differently not because I care less about terrorism." Lindsey needn't worry. Legislation is given very little chance of ever reaching the Senate floor.

Faisal the Incompetent

"Good morning, Ashad. Why so down in the mouth? You look as though a dog had just devoured your best friend." "Your metaphor is quite apt, Omar, for an entire pack of Capitalist dogs have captured my best friend Faisal and now stand ready to devour him slowly in their laughably corrupt judicial system." "Really? Faisal Shahzad? The nice young man that visited us a few short months ago? Faisal the American?" "He wasn't born an American, Omar. He just immigrated there so he could blow something up." "Or so he said, Ashad. My own belief is that he had a yearning to be in the company of unveiled women." "And you imply that you do not wish for the same thing? But that is irrelevant. The fact is that Faisal intended to return just as soon as he struck a blow at the heart of the infidels. He was already on a plane to Dubai when the Western dogs apprehended him." "Without blowing up anything." "That is technically true, although it is my belief that he struck a mighty blow of fear in the heart of the decadent American people." "A belief which is sadly misplaced, Ashad. I have heard the reports from the American casters of news and far from expressing their fear and trepidation, they are heaping scorn and ridicule on your friend." "This cannot be true!" "But true it is, Ashad. They are calling him inept and amateurish. They say Faisal could not bomb his way out of a paper bag." "That is not only mean, it is surely inaccurate. Faisal's bomb had everything! Gasoline, fireworks, propane tanks, clocks, two big bags of fertilizer..." "Apparently everything but the boom. They call him Faisal the Incompetent and are comparing him to Rube Goldberg. I do not know who that is but I would assume that he was also a failed manufacturer of explosive devices, And judging by the name, a Jew as well." "They compared Faisal to a Jew, Omar? These damnable infidels are even worse than I imagined. Oh how I wish he had succeeded in his righteous mission." "If wishes were camels, we'd all ride in haste. They even made fun of his name, saying that Faisal Shahzad sounded like an entrée at a Greek restaurant." "Now as well as stirring my anger, you have stirred my appetite too. Have you ever eaten at a Greek restaurant, Omar?" "I have not, Ashad, but unlike Faisal, I once blew one up."

In memorium: Abu Ayyub al-Masri

After numerous reports of his death by Iraqi sources, U.S. officials have announced that Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, has been killed in an American air strike. Also killed was Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, head of the Mujahideen Shura Council, and Trinket, al-Masri's faithful dachshund. "Two Abus and a boo-boo, not a bad haul for one air strike," said U.S. Commander in Iraq General Ray Odierno. "There is still work to do but this is a significant step forward in ridding Iraq of terrorists. I must say, though, that I feel just terrible about that little dog. We really had no way of knowing it was in al-Masri's safe house. Still, it had no business being out there in the middle of the desert, although I fully understand that no dog can choose his own master." al-Marsi, who was Egyptian, was known in the Arab World as 'Crazy Ayyub' ever since his early appearances on Cairo television as the front-man for Dubainaire Electronics - not for his insanely low prices, but for his Rasputin-like gaze. After a brief stint as a spokesman for Al-Jazeera International, he became the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, following the mysterious death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi when a 500 pound bomb fell on him. Reportedly, no Iraqis volunteered to secede al-Zarqawi. When al-Masri first assumed leadership, the U.S. put a five million dollar price on his head, but as time went by, the market value on his ass fell to only $20,000. "Someone could have received a real nice payday if they'd decided to drop a dime on this guy back in 2006," said General Odierno. "Still, I'm glad that we've got him at last. We knew right away that we had the right guy. It was those eyes that seemed to stare right through you. But the thing that struck me the most was Ayyub's complexion; it was almost translucent."

now down to zero

from the archives, May 2008

In a move reminiscent of JPMorgan's acquisition of Bear Stearns, the Department of Defense has taken over the contract on Abu Ayyub al-Masri for the fire clearance price of just two cents on the dollar. As recently as last September, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq had a market valuation of five million dollars in reward money, but has seen his worth drop steadily after underperforming in a rapidly changing Iraqi marketplace. The State Department has seen his value dip by 80%, closing at only one million this April. "We're quite pleased that DOD has expressed an interest in acquiring al-Masri," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Quite frankly, when an asset drops as rapidly as this one did, the only option is to either sell or liquidate." U.S. CENTCOM spokesman Captain Jamie Graybeal feels that the al-Masri contract is in line with DOD's current policy of making small acquisitions. "The value of this guy is not what it was, say, at this time last year," said Graybeal. "Our assessment has led us to believe he's not as effective a leader on the battlefield ... and because of that he's just not as valuable to us. But I feel we can turn this thing around. The truth is that the average Iraqi has no concept of how much five million dollars is. It's an abstract number, almost impossible for them to comprehend. A hundred thousand, on the other hand, is manageable. It's like having a thousand dollars one hundred times. I imagine that someone will turn him in within the next week or two." al-Masri released a statement through an al-Qaeda web site calling the current reward 'insulting', and threatening to stay in hiding until his value returned 'to at least seven figures'. "This guy is obviously a financial moron," said Graybeal. "Yeah, just stay off the market for a few more months and see how quickly we write you off as a total loss."

Rudy and Mahmoud express displeasure with new nuclear policy

The man known as 'America's Mayor' and the man known as 'The Handsomest Guy in Iran' found themselves surprisingly in agreement today as they appeared together via live video on the FOX News 'Your World with Neil Cavuto' to debate the topic of President Obama's nuclear weapons plan. Although coming from two different directions, they both agreed that the new strategy was both inept and insane. "President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs, and have peace symbols," Giuliani said. "North Korea and Iran are not singing along with the president. Knowing that, it just doesn’t make sense why we would reduce our nuclear arms when we face these threats." "In truth, the people of Iran know very few American songs," replied Ahmadinejad, "but I totally agree that holding hands should be discouraged in public. But you know, Mayor Giuliani, American materialist politicians, whenever they are beaten by logic, immediately resort to their weapons like cowboys." "Cowboys? More like hooligans if you ask me. As mayor, I fought for tougher gun control laws, and they brought down crime dramatically. On the other hand, Barack Obama has taken so many steps backward in dealing with national security. Don't you think, President Ahmadinejad, that Obama just doesn't understand the concept of leverage?" "Indeed I do, Mayor Giuliani. If I could speak to him right now I would say 'Mr. Obama, you are a newcomer to politics. Wait until your sweat dries and get some experience. Be careful not to read just any paper put in front of you or repeat any statement recommended'." "Absolutely, Mr President. I worked for a president, Ronald Reagan, who understood that brilliantly, and that’s how he won the Cold War. You need to appear to be unpredictable. Reagan’s State Department understood that you need to create pressure, to create something they’re afraid of. Tell me where Obama has done that." "I can't tell you, Mayor Giuliani, because Iran is not afraid of some paper tiger who is under the pressure of capitalists and the Zionists. He couldn't do a damn thing." "Well, he couldn't do a damn thing right, I'll grant you that. Say, do you mind if I call you Mahmoud?" "Not at all, Rudy. You know I like the philosophy of Ronald Reagan you just brought up, that you need to create something people are afraid of. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the man I work for, follows much the same philosophy." "I'll tell you straight, Mahmoud, a nuclear-free world has been a 60-year dream of the Left, just like socialized health-care." "Yes, it is a foolish dream to think that Iran would willingly give up our nuclear destiny." "Don't let the bastards get you down, Mahmoud. This is an administration in a state of confusion about how to deal with terrorism. They’re out of control. It’s not inconsequential how the president dithers over so many issues, yet when it comes to dealing with Israel, one of our strongest allies, he doesn’t show much ambiguity." "That is a certainty, Rudy. He always greets Israel with the sort of hugs and kisses a mother would offer a child." "Are you kidding? With Israel, he has been extremely hostile." "Sorry, Rudy, I forgot that you don't hate the Jews." "No apology needed, Mahmoud, I forgot that you do. But with everything else we have in common, let's just agree to disagree on that one."

Zazi gets a break

Monday was a lucky day for the Big Apple, which somehow managed to bring an Afghani terrorist to court without suffering a Jihadist attack. Pleading guilty was Najibullah Zazi, conspirator in what many authorities are calling the most serious attempted attack since 911, and it is most curious that the man managed to make it all the way to this point without becoming a cause celebre for the Cheney-worshiping panic-panderers on the righteous right. Zazi is the New York City coffee cart operator who plotted blowing up the subway system with a lethal mix of beauty supplies, only to abandon the plan when he was stopped for a routine traffic violation and became paranoid. Quite visibly paranoid, obviously, since the cops decided that someone should keep an eye on him, and before long he had a perfectly valid reason for his paranoia. Zazi got rid of his cosmetics of mass destruction, but the FBI gave him a visit anyway, and it didn't take long before he folded like a cheap suit, spilling the beans on everything and everyone, including his uncle, his imam, and his dear old dad. Now it goes without saying that the FBI used brutally harsh interrogation techniques in order to make Zazi talk - they told him they might bring immigration charges against his mother, and then to sweeten the deal, they agreed to let him out on bail for a few days. Yesterday Zazi pled guilty in the Brooklyn Federal courts, and now faces life in prison without parole. The information he revealed has enabled the investigation to be widened, and Attorney General Holder able to hold his case up as an example of the superiority of using the civilian court system as opposed to military tribunals. And it's too late, FOX, it's just too late, you done missed the outrage train this time while you were fixating on the Underwear Bomber. Still, we've got to give your fair and balanced source for news and information credit for trying by running 'Why Did Zazi Get a Break?' by Annemarie McAvoy, which opines that "It is an outrage that Najibullah Zazi and his family gets a break, thanks to the fact that he's in the federal judicial system instead of in a military tribunal, where he belongs." Damn those Feds, don't they know that "Zazi should have been interrogated immediately as an enemy combatant, by those trained to do so, in Gitmo." Sorry, Annemarie, but I can't answer your question as to when this administration is going to smarten up. We've got the bad guy going to the big house, we've got some of his associates with more likely on the way, we've got the details and methodology of his plan, but I guess we could have gotten so much more if we had tortured him, although most of the extra would likely be lies and delusions. I guess there's just no pleasing some people.

no story here

You know who's not a terrorist? This guy, Joe Stack. Yeah, this guy is just a shmuck, a real Sad Sack, down on his luck. A guy who has been thoroughly beaten down by The Man and doesn't have the mental clarity to realize that The Man is Joe Stack. You know what else? Not only was Joe of the Caucasian persuasion, he wasn't even a Muslim. And he didn't hate Jews either, just Catholics. Joe was an American, and as we all know, if you want to be a real terrorist, you've got to be international. Umar AbdulMutallab, the Underpants Bomber, that's a real terrorist. Dude got on a plane and set his balls on fire. Tell me that's not the act of a desperate man. From what I understand, if his skivies had completely detonated, his balls could have been blown across the cabin, maybe all the way to first class. Joe Stark wasn't man enough to try something truly terrifying like blowing off his feet or setting fire to his gonads, no, all he did was fly a plane into a building full of civilians, and we've seen that before, so how is it supposed to terrify us? Dammit Joe, you know how many times we've all seen that 911 footage, and that was a much bigger plane and a much bigger building. Now on the other hand, if we discover that you had any buddies from Yemen, we'll get back to you.

John Brennan, one step ahead

GOP attacks continue on President Obama's handling of terrorism, with the focus turning sharply towards Counter Terrorism Adviser John Brennan, who is accused by Top Republicans of insufficiently briefing them on the attempted Christmas Day bombing of a Detroit bound aircraft. Although Senators McConnell and Bond, along with Representatives Boehner and Hoekstra were all updated on Christmas evening, and offered Brennan no questions, in retrospect they now find his information sadly lacking. Following an editorial by Brennan which warned Republicans against trying to score political points off of terrorism, Senator Kit Bond has accuse Brennan of turning into a partisan hack and called on Obama to fire him. Congressman Hoekstra says that he has lost all faith in Brennan, and vowed to tape all future calls from him so that Brennan will never again be able to use his own words against him. "Now we know how this guy works," Hoekstra told Politico. "We’ll take notes, have transcribers. Make sure that this guy doesn’t have the opportunity in the future to come back and misrepresent what was said." Hoekstra emphasized that if he has to speak to Brennan in the future "I’ll be taping the conversation, with his permission. ... I’m not going to get caught in this again." Contacted for his reaction, Brennan said "that's a real good idea, and quite frankly, I'm surprised he doesn't already do it. I know I tape all my high-level calls. As a matter of fact, here's a recording I made of my conversation with Hoekstra." "Good evening, Congressman Hoekstra. This is John Brennan... Sorry I have to disturb you at home, but I..." "John who? Who are you?" "John Brennan, the president's counter-terrorism adviser. Sorry to call you at this hour, but I needed to update you..." "Preshudent who? Never mine, I think I know. It's Chrishmus..." "Yes sir, Merry Christmas. I'm calling about the attempted terrorist..." "Hole on, I shpilled my drink... Diane! I need another Sheven an Sheven... I... Hello?" "I'm here, Mr Hoekstra. I needed to brief you on the attempted bombing..." "Do you know wha time it ish? It's Chrishmus..." "Yes sir, and I know it's late, so I'll try and be brief..." "Your brief ish gonna be brief? Heh heh. You're a funny man." "Sir, as the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, you need to be informed of the latest information about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab..." "Uma tuma talla what? What the hell are you talkin about?" "The would-be terrorist, sir, who was taken into custody in Detroit this morning." "The unnerwear bomber? Bwahahaha ha ha... Shit! I shpilled my drink... Diane! I need another Sheven an Sheven... Exploding unnerpants, thash funny..." "Well, the important thing for you to be aware of is that Abdulmutallab has been placed in FBI custody, and he is talking and cooperating." "That wush a brief brief about briefs, Brennan." "Yes sir. Did you have any questions?" "Yesh... Do you know wha time it ish?" Asked to respond to Brennan's recording, Hoekstra replied angrily. "You call that a briefing? The man wouldn't even give me the time of day."

Larry King Live

"I mean, Larry King would have a more thorough interrogation of one of his guests than the Christmas bomber had by the Justice Department." - Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell "We're here tonight with our special guest, Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known to the American public as the Underwear Bomber. Good evening, Omar, and welcome to Larry King Live." "Good evening, Larry, and the name is Umar, not Omar." "Umar. That's a pretty unusual name, isn't it? Did you change your name in order to make yourself sound more terrifying?" "No, Larry, that was the name given to me by my father Alhaji, and it is obviously not a very terrifying one, since everybody just calls me the Underwear Bomber." "Which is not a terrifying name at all. Do you think that people call you that as a way to help them mask their fear?" "No, I believe that people just think it's a funny name, and quite frankly I'm very embarrassed by it." "As well you should be. So, Omar, can you tell me why you wanted to blow up Northwest Airlines Flight 253?" "That's a matter before the courts, Larry, and I said before I agreed to come on your show that I would not discuss it." "Rats... So, do you feel betrayed by your father, who tried to warn the authorities that you were a potential menace to society? You must have some very strong negative feelings towards him. Did you ever feel like murdering your Dad?" "Not really, Larry. I think that he did what he thought was best for my well-being, particularly considering the fact that I had changed in ways that he might not have understood." "Such as your desire to blow up the United States?" "Excuse me? Larry, everything that was discussed with my lawyer, I'll say once again, is completely confidential. I'm not going to be able to talk about it. So I'm just letting you know that ahead of time." "Rats... You can't even admit that you intended to kill innocent people? I mean, the purpose of carrying explosives in your underwear must have been..." "Larry, you're being inappropriate. You really are. So I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just asking a question." "I'm not going to talk about anything discussed with my lawyers. Those were confidential statements. You know that." "All I'm asking is... Well... All right, Omar. Legal rules tonight. So let me ask you about your underwear... Where did you buy your underpants? I don't believe that it could have been at Sears or Wal-Mart, as they seem to have been underpants of a very unique - let's say explosive - nature, ones that could not ordinarily be procured at your average suburban shopping mall." "They did not explode, Larry, but for the record, they did give me second degree burns on my balls. And again, this line of questioning is very inappropriate." "But you do agree that you had special underwear?" 'Yes. It was very special underwear." "Do you know who else has some very special underwear? Angie Dickinson... She had this red lace bra and panty set that used to make me so hot that..." "Larry, you... you're being inappropriate, OK? And I'm not going to..." "What? I'm just talking about the great star of film and television, sometimes referred to as the classiest woman in show biz, which I would say is a far cry from being referred to as the Underwear Bomber, and I... You're leaving, Omar? Because the studio door is locked... Rats. Did he hear me speaking to him? Omar? Is security still out there? Rats. Is he leaving because I brought up Angie Dickinson? Because I... Rats... This is the last time that I take a guest recommendation from Mitch McConnell... Who do we have backstage? Mitch McConnell? Rats..."

Message from Osama

Osama bin Laden has released his second message within a week, this one focusing on, uh... global warming. "Talk about climate change is not an ideological luxury but a reality," bin Laden said on the tape broadcast by Al Jazeera. "All of the industrialized countries, especially the big ones, bear responsibility for the global warming crisis. I swear to Allah, it is as hot as Hades here in my cave from early April on until late October, at which time a bone chilling cold sets in which has my teeth chattering like the sound of camel hooves racing across a floor of linoleum. With Mohamed as my witness, I tell you that the weather was never like this back when I was still in the castle." bin Laden went on to praise dissident intellectual Noam Chomsky, who he said "was correct when he compared the U.S. policies to those of the Mafia," presumably because the Mafia is so well known for it's large carbon footprint. "They are the true terrorists," bin Laden said in reference to America, "and therefore we should refrain from dealing in the U.S. dollar and should try to get rid of this currency as early as possible." He did add a caveat, asking that the dollar not be gotten rid of "until at least twelve weeks after the release of my new book, 'An Inconvenient Jihad', available in bookstores everywhere on February 16, as well as Amazon.com for pre-order." "I shall bleed away the American dollars while the bleeding is good," he concluded, "and Allah willing, I shall finally have the requisite funds to air-condition my cave."

FBI releases 'aged' Osama pics

The FBI has released a new series of digitally aged mug shots of Osama bin Laden created by sophisticated forensic artists (i.e. photoshoppers) which show what the reclusive madman might look like today if he were not dead. "These new images are powerful examples of how advances in technology and science can be used to help find and bring to justice wanted persons," explained Louis E. Grever, head of the FBI's Science and Technology Branch. "And in addition to the justice part, the guys in the lab think they're really a lot of fun to make." "Okay, now the first one you see is no big woof, same old bin Laden, just a little grayer and older. But for the second one, we tried to think outside the box. What if bin Laden decided to throw away the headdress and get a nice haircut? And then he put on a clean white shirt and trimmed his beard to look like Ringo? I think this picture captures that look pretty well, much the way we hope to capture him." "Now, people often ask me, 'Hey Louis, what if Osama was to go and shave off his beard completely'? Unlikely scenario, I always reply, because the FBI firmly believes that bin Laden has an enormous chin. See, it's not a good look for him at all, at least not in our artist's interpretation. But that's why we've got picture number four, because we think if he is alive and he has shaved, he's probably dressing in drag to distract attention from his chin."