The conclusion of the federal trial of former Guantanamo Bay detainee Ahmed Ghailani, which ended with one conviction and 284 acquittals, has left most everyone surprised, as New York City was not destroyed by terrorists hell bent on disrupting it.
"This is another great opportunity for us to rip the Obama administration," said a jubilant Mitch McConnell. "Their heedless disregard for the rule of military law put all Americans in danger, and for what? One lousy conviction? At least this gives us a better opportunity of convicting Obama to being a one term president. But the Ghailani verdict is a disgrace. I heard that his conviction carries a penalty of twenty years to life, and with this liberal New York judge, he'll probably get the twenty with credit for time already served. At least that's what I hope."
"This was a great victory for American justice," said Attorney General Eric Holder. "Those 284 acquittals occurred because the charges were based on information obtained through torture, and this affirms the fact that torture is against the law for any reason. But he was convicted and he will be behind bars, which is a good thing. Another good thing is that this gives us a good excuse to not bring any more of these detainees to the U.S. for trials. If I had known what a can of worms that was going to be, I never would have opened it."
"This is not such a bad place as far as interment camps go," noted Guantanamo detainee Khalil Rahman Hafez. "I did four years locked up in Islamabad, and that place was a shithole, so I know whereof I speak. The weather is nice, they don't beat us too much, and they feed us three times a day. And let me tell you, the food is amazing! They know more ways of preparing a chicken than I would ever imagine. So if the Americans think that the trial of brother Ghailani is reason to keep us here, that is a good thing, because truth be told, I've seen Lockup on the camp television, and the thought of going to New York scares the crap out of me."
"I felt very personally invested in this case," said America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani. "I mean Ghailani, Giuliani, they sound a lot alike, you know? And there are plenty of people that don't pay very close attention to the news, so when they heard Ghailani was on trial, they probably thought 'yeah, he's just another crooked politician', so I'm hoping that when they heard about the 284 acquittals they realized that I'm not such a bad guy after all. I mean, I'm sorry if these people are confused but it would be nice if they'd be consistent about it."
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