Don't touch me there

An epidemic of virulent modesty has unexpectedly spread across the nation, as travelers recoil in dread at the prospect of being patted down or body scanned. Indeed, a new Gallup poll shows that having one's junk touched now ranks ahead of terrorism as the number one source of air travel trepidation.    "If a bomb goes off in the plane, it's all over with pretty quick," explains former passenger Luanne Simmons. "That's something I could live with. Well, for a few seconds, anyway. But a strange pair of hands on my body, that's something that would haunt me for the rest of my life."    "I have to agree with Luanne on that," added her husband Randy. "She doesn't even like my hands on her body so it would absolutely be a problem for her. Now me, I could use a good feel, but the thing that drives me crazy, the thing I find absolutely obscene, is the TSA's insistence on using same-sex screeners. I guess that's all a part of the liberal homosexual agenda, and I've got to ask myself, what if I liked it? What then? Well, I guess I'll never find out because I'm not going to fly again until they have the scanners at all the airports."   "That's not a very well thought out plan, Randy," replied Luanne. "Do you really want to have those perverts in the booths masturbating over images of your naked body?"   "No I don't want it, Luanne, but I'd probably be willing to take that gamble. I mean, those guys can't be masturbating all the time, can they?"   "No, I suppose not. And I don't guess it's all that different than now when they try to undress you with their eyes. But still, there's the possibility that one of the machines might be out of order or that you might set it off somehow through no fault of your own or..."   "Or they happen to pick you for one of those random searches? God, those insidious bastards. This is one of those no win situations. It seems as though we're earthbound, Luanne."