The Backup Plan

"I'd be more than pleased to tell you what's going on with FOX News, Rupert. Quite frankly it's been a bit of a pain to have to keep you in the dark this way. We just felt that things would be better off if we kept you out of the loop for a while."

You know, Roger, FOX News is my company, so in a sense you work for me. So I don't mind telling you point blank that I want to know just what the hell you're doing with that idiot Sarah Palin.

An idiot, true, but a most useful one. And an idiot who should be waiting in my office right about now. Let's go there now, and I think I can make everything  much clearer to you.

Good evening Mister Murdoch. Mister Ailes, Sarah Palin is waiting for you in your bunker.

She looks familiar to me for some reason.

Apparently she was working for Rahm Emmanuel before he departed for Chicago... Ah, there she is, the girl of the hour. Good to see you, Sarah.

Hi Mister Ailes. Hi Cranky Old Man. I was just thumbing through the Wall Street Journal.

Very good, although I would suggest that you might enjoy it more if you held it right side up.

Oh... You know, I find it more challenging to read it upside down. Specially the stock quotes. Trying to tell all those sixes from nines, and eights from eights.

See, Rupert. She's very, very bright.

Yes I am! My bus tour rocked! All these guys are going around, saying they were gonna run for president, and all anybody wanted was me! I'm gonna do another bus tour!

You shall indeed, Sarah, and FOX will be there to film every minute of it. Now maybe you would like to show Mister Murdoch how well you can dance. I've got 'Papa's Got a Brand New Bag' cued.

My favorite! Whee! She's doin the jerk, she's doin the fly, don't play her cheep cause you know that she ain't shy. She's doin the monkey, the mashed potatoes, jump back jack, gonna see you later alligator... Whee!

That's vaguely disturbing...

But in a good way. Sarah, if you could be a good girl and go sit in the reception room for a few minutes, I need to talk to Mister Murdoch alone.

Okie dokie, they've got donuts out there. But don't keep me waiting too long. Your newspaper doesn't have any comics in it.

...sigh... For years, I dreamed of owning the Wall Street Journal, and I am not going to bespoil it by including Garfield. Are you seriously promoting Sarah Palin for president, Rupert?

I'm still in the room, you nasty old man.

Indeed you are, and... that being the case, perhaps you could clarify something for Mister Murdoch.  Sarah, do you really want to be the president of the United States?

Are you kidding me? That has got to be about the worst gig in the world. Heck, I didn't even like being governor of Alaska.

You see, Rupert, even though I have a master plan and a backup plan, being a person of some not insignificant insecurities, I feel the need to have a backup to my backup plan.

That's me! I'm double redundancy!

I'm a pragmatic man, Rupert. I like Pawlenty but I could live with most any of the GOP candidates. But the more I watch this race play out, the more I worry that a moderate nominee like Tim Pawlenty or Romney would alienate the sizable activist wing on the right. They are our bread and butter, after all, and we must eat...

That's certainly a dynamic that's playing out. I take it that you think you have a plan which could bridge that gap. And I get the feeling that this plan somehow involves Ms Palin.

I'm the secret weapon!

To be kept behind glass and used only in case of emergency and for round the clock exclusive coverage. But if it looks as though a sure loser like Romney is on his way to the nomination, we break that glass and launch Sarah as an independent candidate.

We would certainly be able to get her name on all the state ballots easily enough, but what good would that do? She could never win the presidency.

Could if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

For one thing, she could win certain states that a Romney couldn't win. And more importantly, it would be great television.

A ratings bonanza!

What you end up with, Rupert, is a delightful little scenario where neither candidate would have the delegates to win. And that, my friend, according to the twelfth amendment, means that the election would be decided by the House of Representatives.

I love the twelfth amendment.

I suppose that all makes a certain kind of sense. And it would be great television. The only problem I can see is what would happen if the Republicans did lose the House.

Heh heh... according to the twelfth amendment, it's not members who vote but the states, one vote per state, so even if the GOP does lose the House, there are more little red states than big blue ones.

I really love the twelfth amendment.

So we'll get our guy in the White House, FOX News will be an even more unstoppable powerhouse, and Ms Palin will get all the publicity and attention her little heart desires.

I'll be more famous than God! No disrespect intended, Mister Ailes.

the viewing

"I'm talking now to Senator Joe Lieberman, who is going to be..."   "Hey, Megyn, funny story for you. I was talking a couple of days ago to President Zardari from Pakistan, and he told me he thought that you were the foxiest newsbabe in the business."   "That's it? That's the entire story?"   "Oh yeah, that's all. I thought you'd be amused because he said foxiest and you work at FOX."   "I see. Well, what I..."   "I would agree with him that you're the foxiest newsbabe on FOX, but if we were talking about the entire news business, I'd probably have to go with Tamron Hall on MSNBC."   "We wanted to talk to you about your decision to view the post-mortem photos of..."   "You know, it always makes me chuckle a little bit, that use of 'we'. Unless there's someone below the angle of the camera, I think it's just you. No disrespect intended."   "FOX News wanted to ask you about your decision to accept President Obama's offer to members of the Armed Services panel to view photographs of Osama bin Laden's body. Since you accepted, I assume that you must have held out at least the possibility that he wasn't really dead."   "Oh my goodness no, Megyn. That's a rather silly assumption on your part, no disrespect intended. You can't take a high powered shot to the brain like that and still expect to be alive."   "Then why are you opting to view the photographs?"   "It's a once in a lifetime offer, Megyn. I'm really lucky to be a member of the Armed Services panel where I can get this sort of opportunity."   "Senator Lieberman, every other member of the panel has declined or is expected to decline except for Representative Charles Ruppersberger."   "Who?"   "I don't know, either. That's why we're talking to you."   "There's that 'we' again. No disrespect intended."   "Even Senator McCain declined, saying that he's already seen enough dead people."   "I'll bet he has. Probably dispatched a lot of them to hell personally, bless his soul, but I haven't had the sort of opportunities in life that he has. You know, Megyn, they say that half bin Laden's skull is blown away, and you can see his brains leaking out. Oh, and since they shot him through the eye, there's supposed to be one big brown eye looking at you and I guess the other one is sitting on the floor or something."   "And you're interested in seeing something like that?"   "You bet I am. My wife and I have the box set of 'Faces of Death' on Blue Ray. I love those movies. 'Faces of Death V and VI' are kind of disappointing, though. Kind of a greatest hits from the other four volumes."   "Well, I guess all I can tell you is, uh, enjoy."   "Thanks, Megyn. Hey, I can come back again next week and fill you in on all the grizzly details."   "No thanks, Senator Lieberman, but I'll mention it to O'Reilly."

Exlusive!

"I'm Megan Kelly and I'm back now with a FOX News exclusive. Joining us now on the screen is President Asif Zardari of Pakistan.  President Zardari, I want to start out by saying how awesome it is that you chose to do your first interview since the killing of Osama bin Laden on my show."   "Thank you very much. My intelligence informs me that with the departure of Katy Couric you are now America's Sweetheart."   "Your intelligence services are apparently more reliable than a lot of politicians are saying right now."   "They have been wrong at times in the past, but sometimes they knock it out of the park. I thought it of utmost importance that my first interview be with a sweetheart."   "I may be a sweetheart but I can also be tough, as you'll see by my first question. President Zardari, how could Osama bin Laden live for at least six years in a major Pakistan city without being detected?"   "Wow, that is a tough question, much as you forewarned, but since you are also fair and balanced, I will not hesitate to answer. The truth is that it is just one of those things."   "Just one of those things? But he lived in a huge house."   "Large, yes, but I wouldn't call it huge. You should see my place. As a matter of fact, I will extend an invitation here and now for the very next time you're in Islamabad."   "President Zardari, please stop leering at me."   "I cannot help myself, Megan Kelly. Your hair is like spun gold and you have many other remarkable assets as well."   "Back to bin Laden's compound... You're saying that no one was suspicious, even though it had fourteen foot high walls topped with barbed wire?"   "The general consensus is that it was just someone who liked their privacy. Pakistan is a privacy loving nation. Perhaps you would like me to invade your privacy, Megan Kelly."   "Stop it. There's an growing number of people who are saying that you intentionally overlooked bin Laden for years so that you could continue to collect the billions in military support aid. I'm one of the people saying it."   "That saddens me, Megan Kelly. It's lonely at the top."   "These same people are calling for a complete end to future aid to Pakistan." "I must admit that is worrisome. Congressman Ted Poe introduced such a bill today in your House, and my intelligence service assures me that he is one of the most powerful people in Washington. I don't care about the money but I would hate to lose the weapons. I love American weapons... It appears as though you are equipped with a pair of strategic American warheads yourself, Megan Kelly."    "That's it. The interview is over."   "Wonderfully done. Perhaps you would like my email address before I go."

handicapping 2012

"...and to my way of thinking, the 2012 primary field for the Republicans just is not very exciting at this point. I don't think any reasonable person can argue with me, do you Rove?"   "No, no reasonable person..."   "Palin isn't in, she may never be in,  but if she does get in, and if she did manage to win the nomination somehow, there is no way in hell she could ever win the general election. I mean, people may not like Obama, but at the end of the day I think that Palin is too shrewish and, quite frankly, dumb, and opportunistic and self-aggrandizing for the majority of Americans."   "Word, Bill. Every liberal in the world would show up to vote against her and the majority of conservatives would probably stay home in disgust."   "Exactly what I said. It's a case of better red than dead, because I think most folks would rather be Communists than corpses. Now Huckabee, no word from him, no sign from him, he's probably gonna sit things out, wait until 2016."   "Yep, because if Palin did somehow win, we'd certainly want a primary challenger waiting in the wings."   "Romney has two strikes against him, the health care thing and the Mormon thing. I'm personally not prejudice but a lot of folks aren't ready for a Mormon president. Gingrich, bright guy, best ideas guy in the party, but a lot of people don't like smart guys of dubious character. I like him, but that's me... Tim Pawlenty looks like he's definitely in - what say you?"   "I'm sorry, Bill, I kind of drifted off for a moment."   "My point exactly. Barbour, whatever.. Huntsman, the Obama connection... Santorum, now you're just being ridiculous. There is one person who's been getting a lot of publicity lately and that is Donald Trump, who said that if he decided to run for president he would be willing to spend six hundred million of his own money on the race."   "Well, he'd have to Bill. Who in their right mind would be willing to give money to Donald Trump?"   "No one reasonable, and that's my point."   "You didn't really seem to be making a point there, Bill."   "Rove, have you ever played doubles tennis? You don't strike me as much of a sports guy, but in doubles tennis you sometimes score by allowing your partner to go for the ball. I let you have the ball and you made my point."   "Oh."   "Trump also seems to be somewhat damaged by the fact that most Americans see him as a smarmy and thoroughly odious human being. I like him, but that's just me. Another negative is that he's been saying a lot of things that are clearly ridiculous."   "The thing is, I don't think he believes his words are ridiculous. Like yesterday, right here on Fox News, when he's talking about all his experience with world leaders..."   "Which consists primarily of selling luxury penthouses to dictators and ousted despots."   "Right, right, heh heh... and he lets slip the secret that he dealt with Gaddafi, which everybody already knew..."   "Which everybody who watches FOX News already knew."   "...and he brushes back that horrible hair and says 'I screwed him'... Oh man, I was doubled over with laughter. Because, I think, he was being completely sincere."   "Yeah, he screwed him because he rented Gaddafi a piece of land he didn't use and then refused to give him a refund. Gaddafi probably didn't care if he got a refund, Mister Trump. He probably rented the land with the blood money of the Libyan people, you money-grubbing nincompoop.."   "Good point, Bill. Donald Trump, politically speaking, is a mental midget. The man makes Sarah Palin look good."   "Sarah Palin does look good, Rove, she just doesn't look like a good candidate. Given the disastrous field, do you think Jeb Bush or Chris Christie might get in? Or even Fred Thompson?"   "I pray to God so, Bill."

Your World with Neil Cavuto

Undeclared GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney became quite miffed today during a brief FOX News interview with Neil Cavuto, visibly furrowing his brow several times and at one point even muttering under his breath. From the transcript:   Cavuto: Joining us now is former governor and possible presidential contender Mitt Romney, creator of the Massachusetts monstrosity known as Romneycare. Good afternoon, Governor. How long do we need to keep up this ridiculous pretense of calling you a possible presidential contender?   Romney: That's a good question, Neil. As you know, there haven't been any major candidates who have declared thus far, so it would probably be foolish of me to be the first.   Cavuto: Yes, but you were the first governor to establish a state-wide health care plan with an unconstitutional individual mandate. Are you saying that doesn't make you feel foolish?   Romney: Not at all, Neil. The needs of my state at that time are quite different from the needs of the nation at this time, so I...   Cavuto: But you wouldn't dispute my contention that what you did was unconstitutional, would you?   Romney: Yes I would, Neil. When you look at...   Cavuto: You probably should be in jail. Or at the very least, subject to one of those, uh, you know, where they vote you out of office before the end of your term...   Romney: I think recall election is the term you're searching for. We can always discuss this at another time, Neil, but I'd like to get to the topic that we had agreed to discuss.   Cavuto: The New Jersey presidential preference poll? I've totally lost interest in that. Back to Romneycare, I wonder if...   Romney: It is interesting, Neil, and it is significant. I beat out Governor Christie in his own state.   Cavuto: Yeah, yeah, 12 to 11 with a three point margin of error, big woof.   Romney: I think the significant thing...   Cavuto: Please, Governor, if you want to discuss this I think we should mention the follow-up, 'How would you vote if Chris Christie were a declared candidate?' He beat you 21 to 8 when it was phrased that way.   Romney: In all fairness, Neil, I'm an undeclared candidate also.   Cavuto: Oh my, aren't we the coy one. Now Governor, I wonder if you'd like to apologize to America for introducing Romneycare? David Axelrod said today, on a different network, that you were the inspiration for Obamacare...   Romney: He's just trying to get my goat. The Obama administration spends more time talking about me than 'Entertainment Tonight' spends talking about Charlie Sheen.   Cavuto: That was a pretty good line the first few times I heard it but you know, I watched 'Entertainment Tonight' yesterday and they've moved on to other things. Now the way I see it, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be going through this national nightmare that is Obamacare - or maybe we should call it by it's real name, national Romneycare - if not for you.   Romney: That's not really fare, Neil. I was...   Cavuto: In a way, you could say that Romneycare is even worse that Obamacare because it was created by a Republican, which really makes you a traitor. Would it be fair to call you the Republican Benedict Arnold?   Romney: No it wouldn't. Listen, Neil, I prayed about it and I asked God to forgive me for what I did, and I believe He has.   Cavuto: Sorry. I don't think it works that way.   Romney: But it worked for Newt Gingrich...   Cavuto: Governor, Governor, Governor, you have really tried my patience here today, but before I go, let me explain a few things to you. First, that was on the Christian Broadcasting Network, and they don't really get a lot of good guests like we do here at FOX News. Secondly, unlike Romneycare, Newt was praying for forgiveness from a transgression of the flesh, while you're a Mormon. And finally, let me ask you a question. Are you a former and future employee of FOX News?   Romney: No. [inaudible]...   Cavuto: There you go. Thank you so much for appearing here today on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto', Governor Arnold.

Westboro Blues

Joining us now on FOX News Sunday is attorney Marge Phelps, the deplorable daughter of the deplorable Fred Phelps, pastor of the deplorable Westboro Baptist Church. Ms Phelps recently won her first amendment argument in front of the Supreme Court, but today she's in the news for another reason.

That's right, Chris. I got a lot of attention for publicly saying something that pretty much everybody already knew - the nine justices on the Supreme Court are all going to burn in Hell.

Don't you think that's a little harsh? They just ruled in your favor, guaranteeing your right to disrupt any funeral that you wish to.

That's true, Chris, but they still are a bunch of Catholics and Jews who defend homosexuality and abortion, so I hardly think my judgment is nearly as harsh as God's will be.

But all nine? Do you believe even Justices Thomas and Scalia will be cast into the lake of fire?

I have no objective indicator otherwise. The default for mankind is hell. Unless you bring forth fruits meet for repentance, the assumption is that you will end up in hell when you quit your life on this earth. You know who will be joining the Supreme Court in eternal torment? Barack Obama. There, I said it.

Yes you did, right here on FOX News. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day so I hate to challenge you, but are you absolutely sure all the justices and the president are going to burn?

Absolutely Chris. That's a big 10-4. I already answered on the justices. The president is going to be king of the world before this is all said and done, and he is most likely the Beast spoken of in the revelation. You really can't get much more damned than that.

Okay. Just for fun I thought we would show you pictures of some famous people and get your opinion on their chances in the afterlife. Let's start with House Majority Leader John Boehner.

Oh my, why even ask? He's a smoker, a drinker, a profaner, and he plays golf on Sundays. You know who'll be escorting him to Hell? His little Jewish sidekick Eric Cantor.

Pelosi? Please, don't even show me anybody else from the House... My dad calls it the whore House, and I agree and so does God.

Sean Hannity? He's double damned. Not only is he a Catholic, he's said some very unkind things about Westboro Baptist Church.

Rob Zombie? I would be quite surprised if he doesn't end up being cast into the bottomless pit.

Glenn Beck? I can sum it up for you in one word, Chris - Mormon.

PeeWee? He's already done his time in Hell, Chris, so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay in the afterlife. Not positive, but pretty sure.

Puh-lease, Chris.

Rahm Emanuel? He'll be working in Hell as the main doorman.

Get that harlot's picture away from me, Chris. If Obama is indeed the AntiChrist, Sarah Palin is his devil bitch-dog Jezebel.

Well, Ms Phelps, we've gone through about ten people and you've pretty much condemned them all to Hell.

I didn't condemn them, Chris, they condemned themselves. Besides, I said I thought that PeeWee would probably be alright. Do you want to know about your own eternal fate?

No.

We'll be back after a commercial break with Senators Orin Hatch, John McCain, and John Kerry.

Hell. Hell. And Hell.