Another fair and balance 'Two-sided Debate'

Welcome back to the Factor, and now it's time for another of the Factor's exclusive 'Two-sided Debates'. Tonight it's a fair and balanced two-sided look at Clint Eastwood. Has he now become politically compromised in the eyes of the conservative majority, who see his Superbowl commercial for Chrysler as a thinly veiled love letter to Barrack Obama? Or not?   Last night I took a look at this issue and opined that it was much ado about nothing. Mister Eastwood is an American icon and deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt. Millions of Americans, however, do not agree, and my producers tell me that the tweets have been rolling in continuously since my broadcast. Tonight, for our 'Two-sided Debate', we have Karl Rove - who said just last night on the Factor that he was offended by the ad - representing the right. And for the left, we have FOX News liberal Alan Colmes, who probably enjoyed the ad immensely. Gentlemen, welcome back to the Factor.

Good evening, Bill. Third night this week and it's only Tuesday.

Good evening, Bill. I should say that I'm not really Alan Colmes - I'm Neil Cavuto... You know, four in the afternoon... Here on FOX News...

yawn... Tonight you're Alan Colmes, Cavuto. All our liberals are out doing primary coverage. See if you can wing it. It's not that difficult a shtick. Okay, Rove, what do you think the message of this ad is?

I told you what I thought of it last night, O'Reilly. It's disgusting. It shows what happens when what happens when the president of the United States and his political minions are using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising and the best-wishes of the management which is benefited by getting a bunch of our money that they’ll never pay back.

That's precisely what you told me last night. I thought that perhaps in the intervening twenty-three hours you had an opportunity to come up with something a bit more pithy.

Well, I haven't had a spare moment since primary season started, O'Reilly. And I don't know how I ended up with a contract that requires me to appear every time you snap your fingers.

It's called having the number one rated program in all of cable television, Rove. How about you, Allen? What do you have to say to Clint Eastwood?

Oh. Uh... Good evening, Mister Eastwood, it's a real honor to meet you. I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of your movies, particularly the more recent liberal ones, and...

Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me. I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.

I apologize, Mister Eastwood, I didn't mean to imply that you had become...

That's a picture, Colmes. You're talking to a picture. We just put a couple lines of dialogue from 'Grand Torino' behind as an amusing little experiment.

Although I've got to admit, that sounds like something Clint would say if he ever came face to face with Alan Colmes.

Bingo. By acknowledging that as Eastwood's probable response to a meeting with Alan Colmes, you have confirmed my supposition from last night that any perceived endorsement of the Obama administration in this ad is distortion on your part to create false outrage as a means to score cheap political points.

Curse you, O'Reilly, you've managed to thwart my best attempts at spin once again!

Of course. After all, this is a no spin zone. And you're watching the Factor, where in a fair and balanced 'Two-sided Debate', the winner is most often the moderator.

Introducing the iBoard

Human Unopede Karl Rove took to the airwaves today at FOX News in his new dual role as both a technology and political commentator.   "None of the current Republican candidates have shown any interest in my advice thus far," Rove explained to Megyn Kelly. "Mister Ailes told me that if I wanted to keep my paycheck, I better jump in here and try to prove my worth."   "Don't worry, Karl, he said the same thing to Sarah Palin," Kelly reassured him. "I have a feeling that when the primaries heat up next year, your phone will be ringing off the hook."   "Maybe, Megyn, but I might just decide to remain aloof  this go-round and wait until Jeb runs in 2016."   "Do you know something? Is this an exclusive?"   "I'm afraid not, Megyn. But you know, that has been the plan all along. And to help make that possible, I feel like the best utilization of my talents would be for me to come on the air and trash all of the candidates. They're a pretty sorry lot, aren't they?"   "They sure are, Karl. Of course no one else here can come out and say that. You know, because of business."   "I understand completely, Megyn. And when you bring on a moderate to trash them, your viewers just say 'What do you expect, the guys a friggin liberal."   "Careful, Karl, we might need to bleep that out. But I do agree, you're the right man to badmouth these losers. So what do you have to show me today? It looks like a miniature whiteboard."   "It's better than that, Megyn. It's the new Apple iBoard, set to hit the market in March.I've got the prototype with me today... Steve Jobs was a friggin genius. "   "Careful, Karl... How's it work?"   "Well, keep in mind that this is a prototype. The production model will work through nerve impulses from your fingertips. But for this one, I've got a Bluetooth transmitter stuck up my ass..."   "Careful, Karl... Isn't that uncomfortable?"   "Not really, Megyn, it's kind of like your iPod earbuds. Of course, you only need one..."   "Well, that makes sense. Can you give me a demonstration?"   "I'd be glad to, Megyn. Okay, I just close my eyes, concentrate, and squeeze my buttocks together really hard. Uhhhnn."   "Wow, it just filled up with talking points. Abortion, right of return, NeoConservative, Afghan policy... I'm sure that these seemingly unrelated words and phrases must mean something to you, don't they, Karl?"    "They sure do, Megyn. You see, I was concentrating on the many flaws of Herman Cain, and there it is. Cain's complete cluelessness on abortion - I mean you can't even dignify it by calling it flip-flopping - which demonstrates that he's been caught totally by surprise by his own campaign. Then there's his response on the right of return for Palestinian refugees which would indicate to me that he's never considered the..." "That's all well and good, Karl, but you're here today as our technology commentator. You know, Glenn Beck would pay a fortune for one of these. Now just how do you refresh the new Apple iBoard?"   "No need, Megyn. You just flip it over, and voila, you've got a new blank side to work with."   "Can you demonstrate?"   "Well, it's just like the first time, but... Uhhhnn... Uhhhnn... Whew... There you go, Megyn, six more talking points."   "Fantastic. But let's just suppose that you had eighteen talking points."   "That's not even a possibility, Megyn. I've learned enough about television to know that even six talking points is more that you're ever going to use."   "That's true, but what if I told you that I wanted to talk about Jon Huntsman?"   "TI wouldn't believe you, Megyn. You know we'd never talk about Huntsman."   "You don't know how to refresh the iBoard, do you, Karl?"   "Of course I do, Megyn."   "Well, do it. This is live television."   "Let me clarify.. I know how to refresh the iBoard, but it requires a move that I haven't yet physically mastered."   "Oh... Okay then. You'll just have to work on that. Great segment, and promising product. Karl Rove will be joining us once again tomorrow. Maybe we'll discuss Rick Santorum." "Great, Megyn, but do I have to bring the iBoard again?"   "You'll have to ask Mister Ailes, but I'm pretty sure you will."

handicapping 2012

"...and to my way of thinking, the 2012 primary field for the Republicans just is not very exciting at this point. I don't think any reasonable person can argue with me, do you Rove?"   "No, no reasonable person..."   "Palin isn't in, she may never be in,  but if she does get in, and if she did manage to win the nomination somehow, there is no way in hell she could ever win the general election. I mean, people may not like Obama, but at the end of the day I think that Palin is too shrewish and, quite frankly, dumb, and opportunistic and self-aggrandizing for the majority of Americans."   "Word, Bill. Every liberal in the world would show up to vote against her and the majority of conservatives would probably stay home in disgust."   "Exactly what I said. It's a case of better red than dead, because I think most folks would rather be Communists than corpses. Now Huckabee, no word from him, no sign from him, he's probably gonna sit things out, wait until 2016."   "Yep, because if Palin did somehow win, we'd certainly want a primary challenger waiting in the wings."   "Romney has two strikes against him, the health care thing and the Mormon thing. I'm personally not prejudice but a lot of folks aren't ready for a Mormon president. Gingrich, bright guy, best ideas guy in the party, but a lot of people don't like smart guys of dubious character. I like him, but that's me... Tim Pawlenty looks like he's definitely in - what say you?"   "I'm sorry, Bill, I kind of drifted off for a moment."   "My point exactly. Barbour, whatever.. Huntsman, the Obama connection... Santorum, now you're just being ridiculous. There is one person who's been getting a lot of publicity lately and that is Donald Trump, who said that if he decided to run for president he would be willing to spend six hundred million of his own money on the race."   "Well, he'd have to Bill. Who in their right mind would be willing to give money to Donald Trump?"   "No one reasonable, and that's my point."   "You didn't really seem to be making a point there, Bill."   "Rove, have you ever played doubles tennis? You don't strike me as much of a sports guy, but in doubles tennis you sometimes score by allowing your partner to go for the ball. I let you have the ball and you made my point."   "Oh."   "Trump also seems to be somewhat damaged by the fact that most Americans see him as a smarmy and thoroughly odious human being. I like him, but that's just me. Another negative is that he's been saying a lot of things that are clearly ridiculous."   "The thing is, I don't think he believes his words are ridiculous. Like yesterday, right here on Fox News, when he's talking about all his experience with world leaders..."   "Which consists primarily of selling luxury penthouses to dictators and ousted despots."   "Right, right, heh heh... and he lets slip the secret that he dealt with Gaddafi, which everybody already knew..."   "Which everybody who watches FOX News already knew."   "...and he brushes back that horrible hair and says 'I screwed him'... Oh man, I was doubled over with laughter. Because, I think, he was being completely sincere."   "Yeah, he screwed him because he rented Gaddafi a piece of land he didn't use and then refused to give him a refund. Gaddafi probably didn't care if he got a refund, Mister Trump. He probably rented the land with the blood money of the Libyan people, you money-grubbing nincompoop.."   "Good point, Bill. Donald Trump, politically speaking, is a mental midget. The man makes Sarah Palin look good."   "Sarah Palin does look good, Rove, she just doesn't look like a good candidate. Given the disastrous field, do you think Jeb Bush or Chris Christie might get in? Or even Fred Thompson?"   "I pray to God so, Bill."

"I can't believe I'm a senator!"

Even though her excitement was somewhat diminished by the discovery that her official coronation was still a few weeks away, Christine O'Donnell wasted no time today in strengthening her populist appeal by bashing Karl Rove. "Everything that he is saying is unfactual," she told George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America, showing off some of the fancy campaign linguistics that she learned from Sarah Palin. "It's a shame because he is the same so-called political guru that predicted I wasn't going to win. And we won and we won big. So I think, again, he is eating some humble pie and he is just trying to restore his reputation." "I'm pleasantly surprised by your astute analysis," said the clearly impressed Stephanopoulos. "I mean, pretty much everything that comes out of Karl Roves mouth is an outright lie or distortion. I don't know if the so-called political guru is actually eating humble pie, but if I Turd Blossom Rove, I'm sure that he's eating some kind of pie." "It's coconut cream, and it's delicious," responded Rove, who was appearing live on video. "Bet you wish you had some for your ugly pie hole, you fruitcake. You know, I was really hoping that the GOP could take the Senate, but forget it, that idea is kaput now. Let me ask you something, lady - Why did you mislead voters about your college education? How come it took nearly two decades to pay your college bills so you could get your college degree? How did you make a living? Why did you sue a well-known conservative think tank." "Oh, isn't that cute, coming from a man shaped like a potato," giggled O'Donnell. "What makes you believe your think tank was well known?" "Really, Christine," Stephanopoulos wondered, "How could Rove describe any of his projects as a think tank?"  "I think he was tanked," shot back O'Donnell. "Are you two about finished having fun at my expense?" grumbled Rove, laying down his fork. "I'm going to warn everyone in Delaware not to vote for you." "Yippee!" squealed O'Donnell. "My bridge to victory!"