Human Unopede Karl Rove took to the airwaves today at FOX News in his new dual role as both a technology and political commentator.
"None of the current Republican candidates have shown any interest in my advice thus far," Rove explained to Megyn Kelly. "Mister Ailes told me that if I wanted to keep my paycheck, I better jump in here and try to prove my worth."
"Don't worry, Karl, he said the same thing to Sarah Palin," Kelly reassured him. "I have a feeling that when the primaries heat up next year, your phone will be ringing off the hook."
"Maybe, Megyn, but I might just decide to remain aloof this go-round and wait until Jeb runs in 2016."
"Do you know something? Is this an exclusive?"
"I'm afraid not, Megyn. But you know, that has been the plan all along. And to help make that possible, I feel like the best utilization of my talents would be for me to come on the air and trash all of the candidates. They're a pretty sorry lot, aren't they?"
"They sure are, Karl. Of course no one else here can come out and say that. You know, because of business."
"I understand completely, Megyn. And when you bring on a moderate to trash them, your viewers just say 'What do you expect, the guys a friggin liberal."
"Careful, Karl, we might need to bleep that out. But I do agree, you're the right man to badmouth these losers. So what do you have to show me today? It looks like a miniature whiteboard."
"It's better than that, Megyn. It's the new Apple iBoard, set to hit the market in March.I've got the prototype with me today... Steve Jobs was a friggin genius. "
"Careful, Karl... How's it work?"
"Well, keep in mind that this is a prototype. The production model will work through nerve impulses from your fingertips. But for this one, I've got a Bluetooth transmitter stuck up my ass..."
"Careful, Karl... Isn't that uncomfortable?"
"Not really, Megyn, it's kind of like your iPod earbuds. Of course, you only need one..."
"Well, that makes sense. Can you give me a demonstration?"
"I'd be glad to, Megyn. Okay, I just close my eyes, concentrate, and squeeze my buttocks together really hard. Uhhhnn."
"Wow, it just filled up with talking points. Abortion, right of return, NeoConservative, Afghan policy... I'm sure that these seemingly unrelated words and phrases must mean something to you, don't they, Karl?"
"They sure do, Megyn. You see, I was concentrating on the many flaws of Herman Cain, and there it is. Cain's complete cluelessness on abortion - I mean you can't even dignify it by calling it flip-flopping - which demonstrates that he's been caught totally by surprise by his own campaign. Then there's his response on the right of return for Palestinian refugees which would indicate to me that he's never considered the..."
"That's all well and good, Karl, but you're here today as our technology commentator. You know, Glenn Beck would pay a fortune for one of these. Now just how do you refresh the new Apple iBoard?"
"No need, Megyn. You just flip it over, and voila, you've got a new blank side to work with."
"Can you demonstrate?"
"Well, it's just like the first time, but... Uhhhnn... Uhhhnn... Whew... There you go, Megyn, six more talking points."
"Fantastic. But let's just suppose that you had eighteen talking points."
"That's not even a possibility, Megyn. I've learned enough about television to know that even six talking points is more that you're ever going to use."
"That's true, but what if I told you that I wanted to talk about Jon Huntsman?"
"TI wouldn't believe you, Megyn. You know we'd never talk about Huntsman."
"You don't know how to refresh the iBoard, do you, Karl?"
"Of course I do, Megyn."
"Well, do it. This is live television."
"Let me clarify.. I know how to refresh the iBoard, but it requires a move that I haven't yet physically mastered."
"Oh... Okay then. You'll just have to work on that. Great segment, and promising product. Karl Rove will be joining us once again tomorrow. Maybe we'll discuss Rick Santorum."
"Great, Megyn, but do I have to bring the iBoard again?"
"You'll have to ask Mister Ailes, but I'm pretty sure you will."
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