Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Cantor 2.0

"Oh my... This truly is as dreadful as McCarthy told me it was... I think I may be watching one of the signs of the Apocalypse..."
"What's up, John? I heard you were looking for me... Hey, that's my new video you're watching - 'Snapshot of the Leader'. Pretty good stuff, eh?"
"My mind is boggled. It's so... gentle. And reasonable."
"The music's pretty hot, too. That's my neighbor Ellis on guitar, along with a couple other guys he plays with. Sounds kind of like Neil Young. And of course that's me on lead vocals."
"Yes, I guess it was. A little hard to tell, though. I didn't hear any anxiety or stress..."
"Yeah, Xanax makes quite the difference. I don't even feel like speaking derisively to you."
"I know. That's the first time you've used my first name in months. Listen, Young Eric, I've been a little worried about you lately. You've been unusually low-key, you cancelled that speech at Wharton because protestors might be there..."
"They would have been there, John. I just didn't feel like being confrontational."
"...and then I read this piece in Politico about how you're trying to create the image of a kinder, gentler Eric Cantor..."
"Their words, not mine. But I'm cool with it."
"You're not really going to have the '60 Minutes' crew over to your house for Thanksgiving, are you?"
"You bet I am. Oh, I'll admit that it won't be easy, but I'll just pop a couple bars and give it my best. That Leslie Stahl really sticks in my craw, but I'm sure she's well-intentioned. I guess I'll probably ruin my family's holiday though, which is a little sad."
"And you're doing this why?"
"Well, it's not like I have to worry about reelection, but I need to think about my future. I'm still a young guy, and I'd like to believe that my horizons would be unlimited if I could just get rid of my reputation as a..."
"Sanctimonious little prick?"
"Bingo, John. You know, I really do enjoy being a sanctimonious little prick, but I see it as limiting my future."
"You know, Young Eric, a leopard can't change it's spots."
"That's because a leopard doesn't have Xanax. I want bigger things, John, and if living in a state of artificially induced calm and reasonableness is the price I have to pay, so be it."
"I know that you'd like my job..."
"I wouldn't mind it if it fell into my lap, but you know, I'd have to project a persona that people can tolerate being around to ever have that chance. And I will, through the grace of God and the help of my little blue friends."
"They really help, do they?"
"You be they do. I mean, they can't change who I really am inside, but they can help me ignore it... I know it's way too early to think about 2016, but I've always had this dream of becoming the first Jewish president."
"Uh, you're not overdoing it with those pills are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm just saying that sounds a little grandiose to me. Running for president is..."
"What the hell do you know, old man? You don't have the imagination God gave a piece of grave, Boehner, and Speaker is the highest position you'll ever see."
"I think of it as a lofty achievement."
"You would wouldn't you, old man? You really turn my stomach. You haven't accomplished a thing as Speaker and you're going to go down. The young guns are coming through, so get out of the way. I'll take your job, old man, I'll take your job."
"Whew, that's a relief. For a minute there, I thought that you might have lost your mojo."

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