Robert the Bruce

Well, here we are again, the hard working Republican members of the of the House Payroll Tax and Unemployment Benefits Extension Committee, just sitting around and waiting to negotiate. And as I look around me, I can't help but notice that there don't seem to be any Democrat representatives present. Am I correct about that, young Eric?

I don't know, let me check... No, I don't believe there are. And you know, I don't believe that the Senate has reconvened either, even though we asked them nicely to do so.

And that's a real shame, too, because two days ago we voted 229-193 in favor of approving my resolution on the Senate two month extension of payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits.

We sure did. I remember it as though it were yesterday.

But it wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. Now the good news is that our Republican members got to vote yay rather than nay, so that's a positive thing, one that hopefully will bamboozle much of the public. Now I'll be glad to take a couple questions.

I hate to tell you this, Mister Speaker, but I'm pretty sure that all of the reporters got bored and left.

In that case, I've got a question You know, voting yay on your resolution meant casting a nay on even bringing up the Senate bill. It's an interesting parliamentary move, bit I'm afraid I'm largely unbamboozled. Am I missing something?

No, Renee, you're not. That being said, you are a very hard woman to bamboozle. It's just that a short extension in  benefits doesn't help anyone except perhaps for those who might directly benefit from it. It certainly doesn't help the job creators. Like I've said repeatedly, a two month extension is simply kicking the can down the road.

So I guess a one year extension is kicking the can through the goalpost. Maybe Representative Ellmers isn't bamboozled, but I am. Just ten days ago you were telling us to vote against any extension.

It's hard to explain things to a bamboozled man, Dave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got to admit that I have the right countenance for it. The fact is, there are rapidly changing realities.

Rapidly changing realities? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're really in over your head, aren't you?

Don't listen to Camp, Mister Speaker, the man admits to being bamboozled. Just remember what we told you on Tuesday. This is a Braveheart moment and you are our William Wallace.

Funny you should mention that, young Eric. You know, I had never seen that movie before, so I just had this vague notion of William Wallace as some sort of mythic figure.

No, he's not mythical. Mel Gibson is a real person.

That's quite true, Renee, but the character Mel Gibson plays does not in any way achieve victory.

Okay, it's obviously true that Robert the Bruce comes out on top in the end, but I think you could rightly say that William Wallace achieved a certain moral victory.

Well, yes, but you might have noticed that he gets hung, then cut down while still alive. Then they gut him, behead him, and finish up by drawing and quartering his dead body.

That's kind of a noble death. In a way.

No it's not, Dave. And to make matters worse, it's all in slow motion. Much the way this whole past year has been.

So what about it, Mister Speaker? Are you going to be our William Wallace?

Not willingly, Cantor, but I seem to have been cornered into it. And I know that you're just dreaming of me going down in flames.

Moi? Je me tiens accusé?

And then when I'm defeated, you believe that you will be our William Wallace.

No way, Boehner. I'm pretty content with being our Robert the Bruce.

bamboozled

You heard me right, Michele. We are going to pass President Obama's payroll tax holiday. His extension of unemployment benefits too, probably, I dunno, maybe a few other odds and ends. But it has nothing to do with bowing to public pressure, nothing at all. Because Republicans are going to get their pound of flesh and more, I guarantee that.

What?

I said that, because of the incredible conservative policies that we will be able to advance in return, we are going to pass the...

No no no. No. I am trying to ascertain the exact composition of this pound of flesh of which you speak.

You have an odd way of expressing yourself, Michele. Has anyone ever told you that?

Yes. Chris Mathews told me that, and just look where he is now.

He was still on MSNBC last time I checked, Michele. Oh yes, and he's on top of the New York Times bestseller list. You've probably noticed him listed there while checking for your own name.

I am not going to check a liberal mainstream media bestseller list, John, but I'll have you know that my book is currently number 17 on the NewsMax top 20.

meanwhile, in an office nearby...

It's a different view of your world that you see on the screen before you at the moment, Young Eric, but one which I felt you were ready to witness.

Well, I certainly do enjoy any opportunity to pick up any inside info on Boehner. Are you using hidden cameras or what?

It's more complicated than that. I'm sure you're aware of C-SPAN and C-SPAN2. You might even be aware of the existence of C-SPAN3, although it is doubtful you know it's purpose. But what if I told you that there were many more C-SPANs, but that access to them was limited to a select few individuals? What you are watching at the moment is C-SPAN17, broadcasting live from the Speaker's office.

I'll admit that this is very cool, but what is the exact significance of what we're watching now?

Boehner just signaled that he is ready to compromise with Obama, but has effectively switched the focus to Bachmann's book sales. What you are witnessing is a classic diversionary tactic by the Speaker of the House, no different than one that might have been utilized by Nancy Pelosi. Or even me, Newt Gingrich. We all learn it during Speaker training, although truth be told, I'm sure I would have performed the maneuver with a defter touch.

I don't understand... When you say that Boehner talking about Bachman's book is a diversionary tactic, exactly what do you mean? And would it have it worked on anybody?

Not anyone, young Eric, but certainly any politician who has written a hopeful missive on their lives and leanings only to see it languish in the remaindered section at Big Lots. Much in the way that your own freshman effort 'Young Guns' has done.

Hey, that book did pretty good when it first came out. It almost hit the Amazon top 100.

You're making me sad, young Eric. As you well know, the first couple weeks of rankings reflect units shipped, not units sold. You're ranked number 91,307 this week, by the way.

You cruel and wicked old piece of human excrement. One of these days you're going to...  Whoa! Wait a minute! What just happened?

I bamboozled you. Like I said, it's a trick that is learned by each and every Speaker of the House.

Will I become the Speaker and learn how to bamboozle?

I'm a charlatan, young Eric, not a soothsayer, but I can tell you this. If you can ensure that Republicans retain the House and I am elected president, your chances are most excellent. You must, however, first learn how not to be bamboozled by the current Speaker. Watch a bit more and learn.

Seriously, Michele. The NewsMax top 20 consists entirely of books they're giving away free with subscriptions. I happened to check Amazon and you're currently at number 5,015.

Those are hurtful words, John. You know full well that my book has only been out for two weeks.

Which is when the vast majority of books that might be sold are shipped. Your book is dead in the water, and so is your candidacy. You would have been much better off spending the past year attending to your committee assignments instead of gallivanting around. Now depart my office and we'll speak of this no more.

Wow, that's the exact same way that you bamboozled me!

Indeed it is, young Eric. Now watch this... Hey, Boehner, pick up the connection.

Newt? Hold on, let me turn on C-SPAN17... Oh for Christ's sake - you've got Cantor there with you?

Hey John, I was just listening in and I could have sworn that I heard you say something about compromising on the payroll tax holiday. What are you getting in return?

Aside from a little political maneuvering room? Not a whole hell of a lot. Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum, rolling back a couple environmental regulations on boilers, that sort of thing.

Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum? That's a chicken-shit deal, Boehner!

And I intend to turn chicken-shit into chicken salad. You know, I wouldn't expect to hear a term like chicken-shit from someone who can't even outsell an underachiever like Bachmann at Amazon.

That's not fair... My book has been out for a year and hers just came out two weeks ago.

Number 91,305. The shame. You know, you aren't even supposed to know about C-SPAN17. Show Cantor the door, Newt, and then I expect you to give me a full apology for including him.

See ya later, young Eric... Wow, did he ever scurry out of here in a hurry.

Man oh man, do I ever enjoy busting the chops of that sanctimonious little prick. Thanks for the assist, Newt.

My pleasure, John. And FYI, I don't really think he's going to be a serious threat to you for a while.