Thursday, December 22, 2011

Robert the Bruce

Well, here we are again, the hard working Republican members of the of the House Payroll Tax and Unemployment Benefits Extension Committee, just sitting around and waiting to negotiate. And as I look around me, I can't help but notice that there don't seem to be any Democrat representatives present. Am I correct about that, young Eric?
I don't know, let me check... No, I don't believe there are. And you know, I don't believe that the Senate has reconvened either, even though we asked them nicely to do so.
And that's a real shame, too, because two days ago we voted 229-193 in favor of approving my resolution on the Senate two month extension of payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits.
We sure did. I remember it as though it were yesterday.
But it wasn't. It was the day before yesterday. Now the good news is that our Republican members got to vote yay rather than nay, so that's a positive thing, one that hopefully will bamboozle much of the public. Now I'll be glad to take a couple questions.
I hate to tell you this, Mister Speaker, but I'm pretty sure that all of the reporters got bored and left.
In that case, I've got a question You know, voting yay on your resolution meant casting a nay on even bringing up the Senate bill. It's an interesting parliamentary move, bit I'm afraid I'm largely unbamboozled. Am I missing something?
No, Renee, you're not. That being said, you are a very hard woman to bamboozle. It's just that a short extension in  benefits doesn't help anyone except perhaps for those who might directly benefit from it. It certainly doesn't help the job creators. Like I've said repeatedly, a two month extension is simply kicking the can down the road.
So I guess a one year extension is kicking the can through the goalpost. Maybe Representative Ellmers isn't bamboozled, but I am. Just ten days ago you were telling us to vote against any extension.
It's hard to explain things to a bamboozled man, Dave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got to admit that I have the right countenance for it. The fact is, there are rapidly changing realities.
Rapidly changing realities? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're really in over your head, aren't you?
Don't listen to Camp, Mister Speaker, the man admits to being bamboozled. Just remember what we told you on Tuesday. This is a Braveheart moment and you are our William Wallace.
Funny you should mention that, young Eric. You know, I had never seen that movie before, so I just had this vague notion of William Wallace as some sort of mythic figure.
No, he's not mythical. Mel Gibson is a real person.
That's quite true, Renee, but the character Mel Gibson plays does not in any way achieve victory.
Okay, it's obviously true that Robert the Bruce comes out on top in the end, but I think you could rightly say that William Wallace achieved a certain moral victory.
Well, yes, but you might have noticed that he gets hung, then cut down while still alive. Then they gut him, behead him, and finish up by drawing and quartering his dead body.
That's kind of a noble death. In a way.
No it's not, Dave. And to make matters worse, it's all in slow motion. Much the way this whole past year has been.
So what about it, Mister Speaker? Are you going to be our William Wallace?
Not willingly, Cantor, but I seem to have been cornered into it. And I know that you're just dreaming of me going down in flames.
Moi? Je me tiens accusé?
And then when I'm defeated, you believe that you will be our William Wallace.
No way, Boehner. I'm pretty content with being our Robert the Bruce.

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