The Newt Phenomenon, with Dr Harry Spangler

After two sub-par debate performances in four days, there is growing speculation that the mysterious body known as Newt Gingrich has sprung a leak and is now rapidly losing mass. If true, it could be seriously damaging to the faux-intellectual wing of the Republican Party right at the very time when they're poised to seize control of the American agenda, I swear it.   "When I look up into the nighttime sky of the politiverse, I swear he doesn't look any different to me than he did, oh, four weeks of so ago," said Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus. "Of course he does look considerably smaller than he did two weeks ago, but I think that can probably be attributed to the regular waxing and waning of the Newt."   "The waxing and waning of the Newt - that is so lame I can't believe it," responded DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. "He's a gaseous body, which of course means that he's not going to wax and wane. He's kind of like a comet which comes around every twelve years or so threatening to hit the Earth but never coming close to doing so. My guess is that once he loses enough gas, he'll simply burn out. But don't take my word, I brought an expert."   "Hello, I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to give you my opinion on the so-called Gingrich phenomenon. You're probably surprised that I'm not here to talk about my beloved Pluto, or as I like to call it, the greatest dwarf planet of them all. God knows, I could go on all day about that mysterious frozen world, but the truth is, there's probably not a lot new that I could tell you about Pluto that you don't already know. It is still three long years until the New Horizons spacecraft begins it's final approach to the ninth stone from the Sun, and NASA absolutely insists that I somehow justify my salary."   "That's why NASA currently has me doing research on the unstable gaseous body that is Newt. I know, I know, it may sound like somewhat questionable activity to request from a government employee, but believe me it is not. It's just that like any business, NASA is interested in projecting our revenue track for FY2013 and beyond."   "Is Gingrich deflating? My research does show that he has indeed steadily been losing mass, as well as what we call reverse gravity, which simply means the ability to project ideas which stick to the brain of the listener. If he continues to lose it at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days before his words basically begin to drift off into space. And while it would not be unprecedented for a party to offer the nomination to what is essentially an empty shell, there is a tendency to not do so in the face of other more promising possibilities."   "Aside from the gravity problem, there is the troubling situation with Gingrich's illumination. Simply put, when the casual observer gazes upon him, he does not appear as bright as he once did. This needs further explanation, but the fact remains that in the common realm perception is reality." "The more complete answer is that Gingrich is losing visible brightness as a direct result of his loss of gravity. But while that is occurring, something very interesting is happening - he is rapidly increasing the amount of his ultraviolet, x-ray and gamma ray emission, leading to the very real possibility that he may grow into a supernova and explode, destroying every object in his orbit, and if that were to happen the Republican Party as we currently know it would simply cease to exist."   "I would like to thank Ms Wasserman-Schultz for the opportunity to opine on our rapidly changing politiverse, and will only add that should the worse happen, I hope that I once again have the opportunity to return to my research on that wondrous world that is Pluto, the greatest dwarf planet of them all!"

diva!

Newt Gingrich revealed his inner diva this morning, finally reviving a delightful side of himself which has not been much on display during his current resurrection, but one which we all knew was simply waiting backstage for a hearty encore.   'FOX and Friends' welcomed the former Speaker to his first ever appearance on the network, congratulating him on his South Carolina victory before moving to the really controversial topics.   "And now you're off to another debate," Gretchen Carlson began brightly. "Now, the thinking has been that you do so well in debates that you probably like all these debates. But what was your to last night's debate, because the audience was taken out of it, and up until now, the audience has been your fan."   "That's true, Gretchen, quite true," Gingrich replied, a dark look coming over his fleshy face. "I would take it a step further and say they positively adore me. They worship me, because I'm the only candidate in this race that pretends they're equal, intelligent enough to be able to handle the startling truths that I chose to bestow on them."   "Well, I suppose, although some would say that they just have a hankering for the red meat that you supply."   "Who else gives them meat, Gretchen? Romney just throws them croutons... I wish in retrospect I’d protested when Brian Williams took them out of it because I think it’s wrong, and I think he took them out of it because the media is terrified that the audience is going to side with the candidates against the media, which is what they’ve done in every debate."   "Do you think that's totally true?" Steve Doocy added, even though no one had asked for his two cents. "After all, we're the media too, Mister Speaker."   "Are you really, Doocy? I know FOX News is, but what are you? Please don't speak unless you're spoken to."   "But all I said was..."   "Shhh. I said please," Gingrich continued. "I've made an executive decision, because that's what a real president does. We're going to serve notice on future debates. We're just not going to allow that to happen. That's wrong."   "It sure is," Carlson cheerfully agreed. "The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to."   "Woo, woo!" Doocy exclaimed, applauding loudly.   "Shut up, Doocy, one more word and I'm out of here... Go ahead, Gretchen, I'm sure you probably want to ask me just how I intend to remedy this situation."   "What situation, Mister Speaker?"   "The situation where the mainstream media is able to restrict the hand clapping freedom of the American people... No one got to cheer me either, and that's a bit of a psychological handicap."   "Okay, got it Mister Speaker. Tell me, what do you intend to do about the mainstream medias attempt to shackle the hand clapping freedom of the American people?"   "Good question, Gretchen. I intent to use free market principles to get my way. And I'm serving notice. I will refuse to do any further debates at any media outlets that impede the God given right of the American people to raise a ruckus, thereby denying them the vast ratings and enormous advertising revenues that my participation ensures."   "I thought debates were revenue losers," chuckled Doocy.   "I told you one more word and I was out of here, Doocy, but you wouldn't listen. Sorry to leave so abruptly, Gretchen, but the fight for my personal liberty is a never-ending one and  must not be so inanely interrupted."

A Primary Carol

"Newt! Wait! I want to speak to you."   "Yes, madam, how may I be of assistance to you."   "Don't you recognize me, Newt? I'm Jackie Battley, your very first wife."   "Oh my... Looks like I really did get all of your best years."   "Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get any of yours... You don't seem very surprised to see me."   "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm more agitated than surprised. This should be one of those days when I'm feeling that I'm on top of the world - My poll numbers are rising, Rick Perry just endorsed me, and I've got a big bottle of bubbly chilling for after the debate. But first, apparently, I've got to take a little trip down memory lane."   "Sorry to bother you, then. I assure you that it's completely coincidental. I just happened to be in town, and I saw the cameras so I went to check and see who it was and..."   "Is this going to take a while? Because quite frankly I've got a pretty full plate today."   "I worked my fingers to the bone putting you through college and grad school. I raised our two daughters while you had your nose in a book. And then when you left me, you had the nerve and ego to say that I wasn't young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president."   "I said that before I had ever met Barbara Bush, so I guess I was out of line on that one.. Anyway, like I said, I'm not really surprised to see you. Something strange happened to me a couple nights ago, Jackie. I was visited by a ghost."   "Not my fault."   "Of course not... It was the spirit of Bob Marley, Jackie."   "That is strange. You never even liked reggae."   "I know, but I'll have to admit, I always kind of liked the dreadlocks. Anyway, he told me that for exploiting the poor, I would be damned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. I don't really think of myself as greedy, do you?"   "You've always been greedy for attention, since you ask me."   "Bah, humbug. That's needy not greedy. Marley told me that I could only escape my fate if I would agree to be be visited by three wives - the wife of Newt past, the wife of Newt present, and the wife of Newt distant past."   "Wow. You're a trinity."   "I'm a big enough man to ignore that, Jackie. Just like I ignored Bob Marley. But then, I heard yesterday that Marianne was going to be on Nightline dishing the dirt on me. And of course I've seen Calista, so there was only one wife left to go."   "And here I am."   "Here you are. Hey, got your nose!"   "Wet go uh muh no wite now!"   "Heh, heh, you always used to love it when I'd do that."   "Not so much anymore. Anyway, I just saw you and wanted to say hello. And to wish you the best of luck with your campaign."   "That's one thing I always like about you, Jackie. Unlike my vengeful shrew of a second wife, you never were one to carry a grudge."   "Well, at least not to the grave."   "So I guess that's it, I guess. One day, three wives, and now I'm no longer condemned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. God bless us everyone! That Marley is really a pretty stand up guy, as far as spirits go."   "I'm sure he is. Just one thing I want to tell you before I go..."   "What's that, Jackie?"   "You're still totally insane."

bamboozled

You heard me right, Michele. We are going to pass President Obama's payroll tax holiday. His extension of unemployment benefits too, probably, I dunno, maybe a few other odds and ends. But it has nothing to do with bowing to public pressure, nothing at all. Because Republicans are going to get their pound of flesh and more, I guarantee that.

What?

I said that, because of the incredible conservative policies that we will be able to advance in return, we are going to pass the...

No no no. No. I am trying to ascertain the exact composition of this pound of flesh of which you speak.

You have an odd way of expressing yourself, Michele. Has anyone ever told you that?

Yes. Chris Mathews told me that, and just look where he is now.

He was still on MSNBC last time I checked, Michele. Oh yes, and he's on top of the New York Times bestseller list. You've probably noticed him listed there while checking for your own name.

I am not going to check a liberal mainstream media bestseller list, John, but I'll have you know that my book is currently number 17 on the NewsMax top 20.

meanwhile, in an office nearby...

It's a different view of your world that you see on the screen before you at the moment, Young Eric, but one which I felt you were ready to witness.

Well, I certainly do enjoy any opportunity to pick up any inside info on Boehner. Are you using hidden cameras or what?

It's more complicated than that. I'm sure you're aware of C-SPAN and C-SPAN2. You might even be aware of the existence of C-SPAN3, although it is doubtful you know it's purpose. But what if I told you that there were many more C-SPANs, but that access to them was limited to a select few individuals? What you are watching at the moment is C-SPAN17, broadcasting live from the Speaker's office.

I'll admit that this is very cool, but what is the exact significance of what we're watching now?

Boehner just signaled that he is ready to compromise with Obama, but has effectively switched the focus to Bachmann's book sales. What you are witnessing is a classic diversionary tactic by the Speaker of the House, no different than one that might have been utilized by Nancy Pelosi. Or even me, Newt Gingrich. We all learn it during Speaker training, although truth be told, I'm sure I would have performed the maneuver with a defter touch.

I don't understand... When you say that Boehner talking about Bachman's book is a diversionary tactic, exactly what do you mean? And would it have it worked on anybody?

Not anyone, young Eric, but certainly any politician who has written a hopeful missive on their lives and leanings only to see it languish in the remaindered section at Big Lots. Much in the way that your own freshman effort 'Young Guns' has done.

Hey, that book did pretty good when it first came out. It almost hit the Amazon top 100.

You're making me sad, young Eric. As you well know, the first couple weeks of rankings reflect units shipped, not units sold. You're ranked number 91,307 this week, by the way.

You cruel and wicked old piece of human excrement. One of these days you're going to...  Whoa! Wait a minute! What just happened?

I bamboozled you. Like I said, it's a trick that is learned by each and every Speaker of the House.

Will I become the Speaker and learn how to bamboozle?

I'm a charlatan, young Eric, not a soothsayer, but I can tell you this. If you can ensure that Republicans retain the House and I am elected president, your chances are most excellent. You must, however, first learn how not to be bamboozled by the current Speaker. Watch a bit more and learn.

Seriously, Michele. The NewsMax top 20 consists entirely of books they're giving away free with subscriptions. I happened to check Amazon and you're currently at number 5,015.

Those are hurtful words, John. You know full well that my book has only been out for two weeks.

Which is when the vast majority of books that might be sold are shipped. Your book is dead in the water, and so is your candidacy. You would have been much better off spending the past year attending to your committee assignments instead of gallivanting around. Now depart my office and we'll speak of this no more.

Wow, that's the exact same way that you bamboozled me!

Indeed it is, young Eric. Now watch this... Hey, Boehner, pick up the connection.

Newt? Hold on, let me turn on C-SPAN17... Oh for Christ's sake - you've got Cantor there with you?

Hey John, I was just listening in and I could have sworn that I heard you say something about compromising on the payroll tax holiday. What are you getting in return?

Aside from a little political maneuvering room? Not a whole hell of a lot. Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum, rolling back a couple environmental regulations on boilers, that sort of thing.

Selling a bit of the broadband spectrum? That's a chicken-shit deal, Boehner!

And I intend to turn chicken-shit into chicken salad. You know, I wouldn't expect to hear a term like chicken-shit from someone who can't even outsell an underachiever like Bachmann at Amazon.

That's not fair... My book has been out for a year and hers just came out two weeks ago.

Number 91,305. The shame. You know, you aren't even supposed to know about C-SPAN17. Show Cantor the door, Newt, and then I expect you to give me a full apology for including him.

See ya later, young Eric... Wow, did he ever scurry out of here in a hurry.

Man oh man, do I ever enjoy busting the chops of that sanctimonious little prick. Thanks for the assist, Newt.

My pleasure, John. And FYI, I don't really think he's going to be a serious threat to you for a while.

Gingrich Child Enablement Law Catches Fire

Little Timmy has been called a lot of things in his short life, but an ingrate isn't one of them. That's why every time he fills up another crate of turnips, beans or pumpkinellos, he says thank you to the man he thinks of as Uncle Newt. Often, when the Master Picker is grumpy, Timmy says these words to himself, but on other happy days he dares to speak them right out loud.   You see, for Little Timmy picking isn't just a job, it's a shiny new nickel. And not just a nickel per day, mind you, a nickel for each crate of produce that he fills [Offer void on watermelons].   In truth, Little Timmy will never grow rich off his picking skills (not even when he graduates to Junior Picker Class C) and neither will his mother, although she no doubt appreciates the assistance that her little man provides. The important thing, however, is the experience that he's gaining. By the time other children his age are preparing to enter junior high, Little Timmy will already have something that they may never acquire - a career. And Newt Gingrich is the man who made that possible.   Newt had an idea. It was not a grand proposal like so many he had pitched in the past, no, it was a rather small idea in Newtonian terms, a plan that would have only helped a few children who were lucky enough to be impoverished in urban schools with unionized maintenance staffs. But from tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow, and the utility of Newt's idea grew like that mighty oak only a heck of a lot quicker. There are so many problems that little laborers can ameliorate!   Currently, Little Timmy is well on his way to replacing the sort of illegal migrant workers who like nothing better than to take the sort of jobs Americans don't want anymore because they have adopted the irrational belief that something better is bound to come along. Little Timmy does not share this illusion, because let's face it, he's already been picking for a long time, and has never participated in the educational system or had an opportunity to socialize with his peers (although these can hardly be called disadvantages to a lad fortunate to have Master Picker as his destiny!)   "Thank you, Uncle Newt," Little Timmy says upon filling his twelfth crate of pumpkinellos. He checks the position of the sun in the sky and smiles broadly, for he knows that it's time now for a smoke break.

Newt takes a pass

"Hello... Hello... Am I on? Sean?"   "Yeah, you're on, Mister Speaker. Why don't you just go ahead and introduce yourself - I'm having a little snack."   "Uh, okay... Hello, America, I'm Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and 2012 Republican presidential contender..."   "Yeah, kind of... In a matter of speaking..."   "I'm sorry, Sean, I don't get what you're trying to say."   "I thought I was very clear. In a matter of speaking, you're a presidential contender. Just like in a matter of speaking Thaddeus McCotter is a presidential contender."   "I think the phrase you're looking for is in a manner of speaking, Sean."   "Whatever."   "And you know as well as anybody that I am totally committed to being the next president of the United States... Uh, why do you have all the lights off in the studio?"   "As I said at the top of the segment, I'm having a snack, and I don't want you staring at me while I eat my nachos."    "You should pass those nachos right away."   "Even if I was inclined to share, I believe that you know that is a physical impossibility. I'm sitting here in my studio and you're on a monitor being broadcast from..."   "I know that, Sean. It's just a little joke. Watching Obama's jobs speech last night, I was quite amused by the way he kept repeating the phrase pass this bill. Every other sentence it was 'pass the jobs bill' or 'pass this bill right away'."   "I of course refused to watch the speech because it was on MSNBC, but when I read the transcript I found that to be more obnoxious than funny."   "My own personal feeling is that Obama is trying his hardest to put government ahead of the private sector, and you don't create jobs by throwing taxpayer money at the unemployed, you create jobs by easing the taxes and restrictions on the job creators, reducing our dependency..."   "But now that I think about it, it's more insidious than it is obnoxious. It's like brainwashing, you say 'pass this bill' enough times and people start wandering around thinking we need to pass this bill right now but they don't know why."   "I guess that's certainly possible, Sean. But like I was saying, pass the ketchup right now."   "Are you insane, Mister Speaker? You don't put ketchup on nachos."   "No, of course not. You know how it is when you get a phrase stuck in your head and can't stop saying it?"   "No I don't. I am not one to repeat myself."   "Another way to look at it is that 'pass this bill' can just turn into one of those silly catch phrases that don't mean anything anymore. For example, did you know that Ronald Reagan was the first person to ever say 'sock it to me'? Of course he only used it once. But then Richard Nixon said it and all of a sudden everybody was going around saying 'sock it to me'."   "I'll take your word for that since you're quite a bit older than me, but you prove my point exactly. Obama's repetition is a not so subtle form of brainwashing."   "Pass the dutchie, Sean."   "What?"   "Pass the dutchie. It's a, uh, song by Musical Youth that was popular back when I was younger, and Lil Wayne made a new version recently... I just thought it was funny." "Well, you certainly have an odd sense of humor. Have you considered the possibility that that's one of the reasons we haven't had you on the show lately?"   "Because of my sense of humor? I don't think..."   "My good friend Michele Bachmann was supposed to do the show tonight and she had to cancel at the last minute and then they surprise me with you."   "I guess they figured they could always get me at the last minute, which is a bit of a misconception propagated by the elite media."   "I mean, for God's sake, why do you think I'm sitting here with the lights off. I don't want to be seen with you. You've been a correspondent here at FOX, you know how it works. I've moved on to the higher profile candidates. You're supposed to be Neil Cavuto's guest now."   "But he's not even in prime time."   "And neither are you, Mister Speaker, but we appreciate you joining us tonight. Now, stay tuned after the break, when we'll return for a very revealing conversation with my special guest Dick Morris."

Newton and Neil

"Joining us now is the distinguished albeit disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newton Gingrich. Welcome to the show, Mister Speaker."   "Thanks, Neil. If I could just correct one thing - it's plain old Newt. Nobody calls me Newton."   "I do. I think it's funnier, you know, like Fig Newtons? Boy, I'll bet you hear that one a lot."   "No, not too much..."   "I haven't seen you around much lately, but I understand that you're still running for president. Have you intentionally been hiding from the press?"   "Not at all, Neil, it's just that this is the first show that's invited me to be on in the last few weeks. I can't figure it out. You would think that I would be flooded with requests right now."   "No, that's not what I would think. The biggest story of the past few weeks has been the impending financial meltdown, and it probably wouldn't occur to anyone to have Newton Gingrich on to discuss that."   "Newt. My god, Neil, I was Speaker during the greatest government shutdown of modern times."   "You old timers really love talking about the glory days, don't you? I want to talk about comments that..."   "A few days ago I saw you talking to Herman Cain about the debt limit, for Pete's sake."   "Well, why wouldn't I? He's a real businessman, so he knows a thing or two about the topic. But okay, I'll play along with you. What do you  think should be done about the debt limit?"   "I think we need to reach a deal and raise it. It's been..." "Ha. I knew you were going to say that, that's why I didn't even want to ask you for your expert opinion."   "I think we might get a deal by this weekend, although that might not prevent the nation from getting a credit downgrade."   "Uh huh."   "Look, the credit downgrade is baloney; it’s based on Wall Street politics, it's not based on reality."   "That's what we cover on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto, Wall Street and politics. Are you saying this show is baloney?"   "No, what I'm saying is that all this talk of financial Armageddon is an effort to scare the American people."   "I'm not scared. Are you scared?"   "Well, not me personally, but people like our seniors..."   "People like you."   "No, people older than me. People who are afraid that we're going to take away their Social Security and Medicare."   "Well, aren't we?"   "Yes, but not right away. We're talking further down the road."   "I suppose that's okay for you to say, but a lot of our Tea Party friends might not approve of that sort of half-stepping. You've got a lot of nice things, don't you?"   "Uh, why?"   "I saw a clip of you a couple of days ago talking about all your money and how happy you were you could buy nice things. Nice things, that really made me laugh."   "Everybody likes nice things. Don't you?"   "Not from Tiffany's. I've got to ask myself, how many diamonds does one person need?"   "I feel like I've discussed that to death. I really don't have anything further to say on the topic."   "I'm only asking because I just saw a clip of you saying that a couple of days ago, which I thought was pretty funny. I'm like, old Newton is still talking about Tiffany's. Are you saying that you're comfortable talking about it with some third-string reporter in Boston but not with me?"   "Look, Neil, a diamond is a girl's best friend, except, of course, for little Newt... No, no, that's probably ribald, and in fact is not true. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Little Newt possibly might run a distant fourth, and that's distressing too, given Calista's limited number of friends."   "That's funny. You're a funny guest, and I'm glad you're going to be visiting us frequently."   "I am?"   "Oh yes. I talked to Hannity a few days ago and he said that I could have you."   "What do you..."   "When Hannity or O'Reilly get tired of a guest, FOX sometimes let's me have dibbs on the ones I want. You're mine now."   "Oh. Well, I suppose I should say congratulations."   "Thanks. At least it's a step up from Santorum."

When a Gingrich calls...

"What do you want from me?"   "Oh... Uh, hello Miss, I just wanted a moment of your time."   "A minute is about all the time I have left!"   "Very good, then. I'll try to be brief. You, uh, you seem to be a little upset. Is the Obama economy disturbing you? Or is it the rapid deterioration of free enterprise?"   "No, it's my cell phone. It's enormous. All the other kids have cool cell phones with video and texting, and all I've got is this clunky old thing. It's really bumming me out. That and the fact that somebody is trying to kill me!"   "I understand. It's probably the Socialist agenda of Barack Obama."   "It could well be. I can't tell because he's wearing a mask!"   "The mask of respectability. That's why I wanted to talk to you this evening about Newt Gingrich and his plan to revitalize America through innovation."   "Newt Gingrich can't help me because his campaign is dead! Dead!"   "Oh no, I can assure you that his campaign is very much alive. That's why I'm calling tonight to ask if you..."   "All his staff walked out on him! They left him on his own! Alone! He's dead!"   "Quite frankly, that's a fiction that was cooked up my the mainstream media. He's just in the process of reorganizing and there are a number of staffers..."   "They said he has no staff, no donors, no political support and no campaign! He's dead, and in a moment I will be too!"   "I don't know about you, Miss, but I'm doing just fine. This reorganization gives me the flexibility to run this campaign the way I want to and I couldn't be happier with the prospects."   "Wait a second. You just said 'I'. You said 'I'm doing fine'. This is Newt Gingrich, isn't it? Why are you calling me?"   "Well, that's a little awkward. You see, my fundraisers walked out on me today and so..."   "You're dead!"   "...And so I was calling personally to see if my campaign can count on you to make a contribution to help save America!"   "I'm so frightened! I would give everything I have if you could just help save me!"   "Very good, then. I'll take that as a yes. Now for a hundred dollar contribution you get a DVD copy of my new documentary 'A City Upon a Hill'. Or perhaps if money is no problem you'd be interested in becoming a Gingrich Power Patriot, which is..."   "How soon can you help me?"   "Just as soon as I take office I'm going to..."   "I don't have nineteen months! I don't have nineteen months!"   "Unfortunately, the electoral system is..."   "Yiiiiiiiiiiii! Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"   "Miss? Miss? Ah well, have a blessed day."

Newt in thrall

Callista shows Newt where she wants him to move the piano   Newt Gingrich has demanded that NBC apologize to his third wife Callista for reporting things about their campaign that really hurt her feelings.   "I think the program [sic] this morning was totally irresponsible, and personally reprehensible," Gingrich told FOX News, "and the kind of thing that makes it hard to get decent people to run for public office. Just look at the current field, as an example. When you have these kinds of vicious attacks, you have a hard time getting anyone to run except for scumbags like me."   The report by Michael Isikoff details some of Callista's behavior which has helped give Newt's campaign the laughing stock status that it currently has, not that it wasn't completely ludicrous from the very beginning. One of the major obsessions of Callista is the constant promotion of the documentaries that she and Newt co-produce and co-star in. So important is it that citizens get to see such opuses as 'Rediscovering God in America' that Callista insists that campaign stops include a screening of one of their videos, after which they sell DVD copies in the lobby. Recently before a campaign stop in South Carolina Newt's staff refused to schedule a screening, an action Callista found so egregious that she insisted the couple fly back to DC and go to the opera instead. The impeccably groomed Madam Gingrich also refused to allow any early morning campaign events so that she would have plenty of time to get her hair done, but it was her insistence on taking a Greek cruise a couple of days after Newt's official campaign kickoff that finally led his staff to desert en masse.   "These were supposed to be professionals who we were paying, who supposedly had some sense of confidentiality, and who promptly did some back-stabbing in a way that I just found amazing," said gracious grinch Gingrich of his departed staff. "Would you call that professional? I certainly wouldn't. They should man up and take Callista's shit just like I do, because Callista's shit smells sweeter than roses."   "Callista and I have a very similar relationship to Nancy and Ronnie Reagan," Gingrich continued. "We're almost exactly like them in oh so many ways. As a matter of fact, she used to have me dress up like Ronald Reagan, which I thoroughly enjoyed once the hair and makeup was finished. You could really look at it as a promotion for me, because earlier on she would just have me dress up as a maid and paint her toenails. That wasn't too bad but I felt the Reagan outfit lent me more dignity, particularly when she would have her friends over... Nowadays she has me dress up as a serious presidential candidate and... What's that, honey? ...Oh nothing, just talking to a reporter... My pleasure, Callista, I'll be right in to draw your bath."

Newt soldiers on

There are many in the political realm who have said from the beginning that a run for the Republican nomination by Gingrich was a ridiculous conceit that had no chance of success. Newt was not one of those. Sadly, however, his campaign manager, his spokesman, his top strategists, and most of his highly paid consultants were among the non-believers, and yesterday they held a surprise party for Gingrich where they gleefully told the old megalomaniac where he could stick it.   "Frankly, I'm a lot better off without these hangers-on," Newt said yesterday in an impromptu interview with ABC which took place on his driveway. "They were a money drain, and they were an emotional drain, what with their incessant harping on me to get out there and campaign. People are attracted to my brilliant mind, not my sparkling personality, and with 'Newt 2.0™' launching on Sunday, I'll be free to fight on the battlefield of ideas. And that's one place where I definitely have the most ammunition."   "It's a virtual world nowadays, one where having a corporeal presence in an actual geographic place offers no strategic advantage. That said, I will be physically in New Hampshire on Monday for the Republican debate since they lack the vision to allow me to participate via live video, but the most important place for me to be is everywhere. I'm on Facebook, I'm a twittering fool, and I can show up on any blog in America at a moment's notice. As a matter of fact, I'm on one right now. Nice picture, Hoback, it shows off my steely left eye." Newt Gingrich's week, already ranked as one of his personal worst, took a surprisingly turn even further south into the unquiet zone of utter failure today after his schnauzer Mitzi became the latest creature to desert him. Citing a lack of any meaningful emotional connection, Mitzi indicated that she would prefer to take her chances on the street. "Losing Mitzi is a real blow," Newt admitted. "It means that Calista is going to want to get another schnauzer, and she'll want me to go with her. That might not sound like such a big deal, but Calista won't get the first dog she sees. No, she'll want to look and look, and then she'll want to go back and narrow it down, and the truth is that will really cut into my twitter time. It's a real battle, but I will soldier on, and despite what the political pundits think, I will win this battle."   "If you recall your history this is quite reminiscent of the Battle of Thermopylae where King Leonidas took his small band of spunky Spartans into battle against Xerxes the Great and the massive Persian Army. We all know how that turned out, and the reason that Leonidas was able to defeat Xerxes was due to his skill in using brain power."   "Of course, if you don't remember history, this is also similar to what happened to John McCain back in 2007. He lost all his top advisers, and he had problems with his cash flow - mine is tied up in diamonds - but he was able to recover and he went on to win the nomination. The only real difference is that even during his roughest period, McCain still had a dog and people who believed in him. And he didn't have Calista."

Sean and Newt

We're back in the studio now with our old friend, Newt Gingrich, presidential contender and former Speaker of the House. That's a crazy picture, Mister Speaker. What the heck is going on there?

That's from last night, Sean. I was doing a book signing and fund raiser in Minneapolis and this gay rights protester caught me by surprise.

What is that? It looks glittery. Is it glitter?

Technically yes, Sean, although I prefer to say that he sprinkled me with fairy dust.

Huh ho, always quick with that Newtonian sense of humor. What was he protesting - something gay?

Technically yes, Sean. He was protesting the size of my debt at Tiffany's. Or more to the point, he was protesting my refusal to answer questions about what I bought at Tiffany's.

Really, that hadn't crossed my radar screen until now. How much is your debt at Tiffany's?

I'm not going to answer that, Sean. That's the sort of information that's best shared only between a man and his merchant.  However, I would be perfectly happy to talk about what we need to do to America and what we need to do to help Americans.

Help Americans do what, Mister Speaker?

Help Americans throw off the yoke of oppression imposed by the most radical socialist government this nation has ever know.

Oh, that. I saw video earlier today of Joey Scarborough laughing his fool head off at your multiple unfortunate incidents. It seems to me your campaign has gotten off to a bit of a rough start. Would you agree with my assessment?

What, with the fact that Joey Scarborough is a fool? Absolutely, Sean. He was in the House while I was Speaker, and as far as I'm concerned he was a complete waste of a seat.

Really? He signed on to your Contract With America and had a 95 percent lifetime rating from the American Conservative Union. That's better than you had.

Jesus, I'm sorry. If you're watching right now Mister Scarborough, I just want to clarify by saying that what I meant was 'holy fool' in the Christian sense, someone who flouts society's conventions for a higher purpose, like Saint Francis of Assisi. And uh, a waste of a seat in the sense that you were always so busy being productive that you hardly ever sat down.

Good recovery, Mister Speaker. Those are very kind words for someone who only moments ago was laughing their fool head off over your misfortunes.

I have a tendency to overreact, Sean, so it's important for me to remember that chances are people are laughing with me, not at me.

No, I'm pretty sure he was laughing at you, particularly when that guy was shaking your hand and advising you to drop out before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.

Well, Sean, every campaign has it's little ups and downs. I suppose that I should consider myself lucky that you have me on your show.

I pretty much have to, Mister Speaker. You're the only friend of the show that's in the race at this point. Huck and the Donald aren't running, Sarah and Michele still haven't gotten in, Rudy is...

Maybe we could spend a little time talking about the deficit now.

Gee, I'd love to but I was just getting ready to bring out my very special guest.

Oh. I see. Who's your very special guest?

Dick Morris.

But... But you have Dick Morris on all the time.

Like I said, he's very special. See ya around, Mister Speaker.

Whatever...

Stick around, folks. After the break, Dick Morris is going to talk about the threat posed by Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Republican president in the 2016 campaign and why we should stop her now before it's too late.