Thursday, July 28, 2011

Newton and Neil

"Joining us now is the distinguished albeit disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newton Gingrich. Welcome to the show, Mister Speaker."
"Thanks, Neil. If I could just correct one thing - it's plain old Newt. Nobody calls me Newton."
"I do. I think it's funnier, you know, like Fig Newtons? Boy, I'll bet you hear that one a lot."
"No, not too much..."
"I haven't seen you around much lately, but I understand that you're still running for president. Have you intentionally been hiding from the press?"
"Not at all, Neil, it's just that this is the first show that's invited me to be on in the last few weeks. I can't figure it out. You would think that I would be flooded with requests right now."
"No, that's not what I would think. The biggest story of the past few weeks has been the impending financial meltdown, and it probably wouldn't occur to anyone to have Newton Gingrich on to discuss that."
"Newt. My god, Neil, I was Speaker during the greatest government shutdown of modern times."
"You old timers really love talking about the glory days, don't you? I want to talk about comments that..."
"A few days ago I saw you talking to Herman Cain about the debt limit, for Pete's sake."
"Well, why wouldn't I? He's a real businessman, so he knows a thing or two about the topic. But okay, I'll play along with you. What do you  think should be done about the debt limit?"
"I think we need to reach a deal and raise it. It's been..."

"Ha. I knew you were going to say that, that's why I didn't even want to ask you for your expert opinion."
"I think we might get a deal by this weekend, although that might not prevent the nation from getting a credit downgrade."
"Uh huh."
"Look, the credit downgrade is baloney; it’s based on Wall Street politics, it's not based on reality."
"That's what we cover on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto, Wall Street and politics. Are you saying this show is baloney?"
"No, what I'm saying is that all this talk of financial Armageddon is an effort to scare the American people."
"I'm not scared. Are you scared?"
"Well, not me personally, but people like our seniors..."
"People like you."
"No, people older than me. People who are afraid that we're going to take away their Social Security and Medicare."
"Well, aren't we?"
"Yes, but not right away. We're talking further down the road."
"I suppose that's okay for you to say, but a lot of our Tea Party friends might not approve of that sort of half-stepping. You've got a lot of nice things, don't you?"
"Uh, why?"
"I saw a clip of you a couple of days ago talking about all your money and how happy you were you could buy nice things. Nice things, that really made me laugh."
"Everybody likes nice things. Don't you?"
"Not from Tiffany's. I've got to ask myself, how many diamonds does one person need?"
"I feel like I've discussed that to death. I really don't have anything further to say on the topic."
"I'm only asking because I just saw a clip of you saying that a couple of days ago, which I thought was pretty funny. I'm like, old Newton is still talking about Tiffany's. Are you saying that you're comfortable talking about it with some third-string reporter in Boston but not with me?"
"Look, Neil, a diamond is a girl's best friend, except, of course, for little Newt... No, no, that's probably ribald, and in fact is not true. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Little Newt possibly might run a distant fourth, and that's distressing too, given Calista's limited number of friends."
"That's funny. You're a funny guest, and I'm glad you're going to be visiting us frequently."
"I am?"
"Oh yes. I talked to Hannity a few days ago and he said that I could have you."
"What do you..."
"When Hannity or O'Reilly get tired of a guest, FOX sometimes let's me have dibbs on the ones I want. You're mine now."
"Oh. Well, I suppose I should say congratulations."
"Thanks. At least it's a step up from Santorum."

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