After two sub-par debate performances in four days, there is growing speculation that the mysterious body known as Newt Gingrich has sprung a leak and is now rapidly losing mass. If true, it could be seriously damaging to the faux-intellectual wing of the Republican Party right at the very time when they're poised to seize control of the American agenda, I swear it.
"When I look up into the nighttime sky of the politiverse, I swear he doesn't look any different to me than he did, oh, four weeks of so ago," said Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus. "Of course he does look considerably smaller than he did two weeks ago, but I think that can probably be attributed to the regular waxing and waning of the Newt."
"The waxing and waning of the Newt - that is so lame I can't believe it," responded DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. "He's a gaseous body, which of course means that he's not going to wax and wane. He's kind of like a comet which comes around every twelve years or so threatening to hit the Earth but never coming close to doing so. My guess is that once he loses enough gas, he'll simply burn out. But don't take my word, I brought an expert."
"Hello, I'm Dr. Harry Spangler, and I'm here from NASA to give you my opinion on the so-called Gingrich phenomenon. You're probably surprised that I'm not here to talk about my beloved Pluto, or as I like to call it, the greatest dwarf planet of them all. God knows, I could go on all day about that mysterious frozen world, but the truth is, there's probably not a lot new that I could tell you about Pluto that you don't already know. It is still three long years until the New Horizons spacecraft begins it's final approach to the ninth stone from the Sun, and NASA absolutely insists that I somehow justify my salary."
"That's why NASA currently has me doing research on the unstable gaseous body that is Newt. I know, I know, it may sound like somewhat questionable activity to request from a government employee, but believe me it is not. It's just that like any business, NASA is interested in projecting our revenue track for FY2013 and beyond."
"Is Gingrich deflating? My research does show that he has indeed steadily been losing mass, as well as what we call reverse gravity, which simply means the ability to project ideas which stick to the brain of the listener. If he continues to lose it at the current rate, it will be only a matter of days before his words basically begin to drift off into space. And while it would not be unprecedented for a party to offer the nomination to what is essentially an empty shell, there is a tendency to not do so in the face of other more promising possibilities."
"Aside from the gravity problem, there is the troubling situation with Gingrich's illumination. Simply put, when the casual observer gazes upon him, he does not appear as bright as he once did. This needs further explanation, but the fact remains that in the common realm perception is reality."
"The more complete answer is that Gingrich is losing visible brightness as a direct result of his loss of gravity. But while that is occurring, something very interesting is happening - he is rapidly increasing the amount of his ultraviolet, x-ray and gamma ray emission, leading to the very real possibility that he may grow into a supernova and explode, destroying every object in his orbit, and if that were to happen the Republican Party as we currently know it would simply cease to exist."
"I would like to thank Ms Wasserman-Schultz for the opportunity to opine on our rapidly changing politiverse, and will only add that should the worse happen, I hope that I once again have the opportunity to return to my research on that wondrous world that is Pluto, the greatest dwarf planet of them all!"
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