Tuesday, June 21, 2011

When a Gingrich calls...

"What do you want from me?"
"Oh... Uh, hello Miss, I just wanted a moment of your time."
"A minute is about all the time I have left!"
"Very good, then. I'll try to be brief. You, uh, you seem to be a little upset. Is the Obama economy disturbing you? Or is it the rapid deterioration of free enterprise?"
"No, it's my cell phone. It's enormous. All the other kids have cool cell phones with video and texting, and all I've got is this clunky old thing. It's really bumming me out. That and the fact that somebody is trying to kill me!"
"I understand. It's probably the Socialist agenda of Barack Obama."
"It could well be. I can't tell because he's wearing a mask!"
"The mask of respectability. That's why I wanted to talk to you this evening about Newt Gingrich and his plan to revitalize America through innovation."
"Newt Gingrich can't help me because his campaign is dead! Dead!"
"Oh no, I can assure you that his campaign is very much alive. That's why I'm calling tonight to ask if you..."
"All his staff walked out on him! They left him on his own! Alone! He's dead!"
"Quite frankly, that's a fiction that was cooked up my the mainstream media. He's just in the process of reorganizing and there are a number of staffers..."
"They said he has no staff, no donors, no political support and no campaign! He's dead, and in a moment I will be too!"
"I don't know about you, Miss, but I'm doing just fine. This reorganization gives me the flexibility to run this campaign the way I want to and I couldn't be happier with the prospects."
"Wait a second. You just said 'I'. You said 'I'm doing fine'. This is Newt Gingrich, isn't it? Why are you calling me?"
"Well, that's a little awkward. You see, my fundraisers walked out on me today and so..."
"You're dead!"
"...And so I was calling personally to see if my campaign can count on you to make a contribution to help save America!"
"I'm so frightened! I would give everything I have if you could just help save me!"
"Very good, then. I'll take that as a yes. Now for a hundred dollar contribution you get a DVD copy of my new documentary 'A City Upon a Hill'. Or perhaps if money is no problem you'd be interested in becoming a Gingrich Power Patriot, which is..."
"How soon can you help me?"
"Just as soon as I take office I'm going to..."
"I don't have nineteen months! I don't have nineteen months!"
"Unfortunately, the electoral system is..."
"Yiiiiiiiiiiii! Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Miss? Miss? Ah well, have a blessed day."


  1. A Gingrich Power Patriot? Are batteries included?

    P. S. My Word Verification is either 'suck-ya' or 'sucky-a'

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