Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Primary Carol

"Newt! Wait! I want to speak to you."
"Yes, madam, how may I be of assistance to you."
"Don't you recognize me, Newt? I'm Jackie Battley, your very first wife."
"Oh my... Looks like I really did get all of your best years."
"Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get any of yours... You don't seem very surprised to see me."
"Well, as a matter of fact, I'm more agitated than surprised. This should be one of those days when I'm feeling that I'm on top of the world - My poll numbers are rising, Rick Perry just endorsed me, and I've got a big bottle of bubbly chilling for after the debate. But first, apparently, I've got to take a little trip down memory lane."
"Sorry to bother you, then. I assure you that it's completely coincidental. I just happened to be in town, and I saw the cameras so I went to check and see who it was and..."
"Is this going to take a while? Because quite frankly I've got a pretty full plate today."
"I worked my fingers to the bone putting you through college and grad school. I raised our two daughters while you had your nose in a book. And then when you left me, you had the nerve and ego to say that I wasn't young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president."
"I said that before I had ever met Barbara Bush, so I guess I was out of line on that one.. Anyway, like I said, I'm not really surprised to see you. Something strange happened to me a couple nights ago, Jackie. I was visited by a ghost."
"Not my fault."
"Of course not... It was the spirit of Bob Marley, Jackie."
"That is strange. You never even liked reggae."
"I know, but I'll have to admit, I always kind of liked the dreadlocks. Anyway, he told me that for exploiting the poor, I would be damned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. I don't really think of myself as greedy, do you?"
"You've always been greedy for attention, since you ask me."
"Bah, humbug. That's needy not greedy. Marley told me that I could only escape my fate if I would agree to be be visited by three wives - the wife of Newt past, the wife of Newt present, and the wife of Newt distant past."
"Wow. You're a trinity."
"I'm a big enough man to ignore that, Jackie. Just like I ignored Bob Marley. But then, I heard yesterday that Marianne was going to be on Nightline dishing the dirt on me. And of course I've seen Calista, so there was only one wife left to go."
"And here I am."
"Here you are. Hey, got your nose!"
"Wet go uh muh no wite now!"
"Heh, heh, you always used to love it when I'd do that."
"Not so much anymore. Anyway, I just saw you and wanted to say hello. And to wish you the best of luck with your campaign."
"That's one thing I always like about you, Jackie. Unlike my vengeful shrew of a second wife, you never were one to carry a grudge."
"Well, at least not to the grave."
"So I guess that's it, I guess. One day, three wives, and now I'm no longer condemned to walk the Earth for eternity bound in the chains of my own greed. God bless us everyone! That Marley is really a pretty stand up guy, as far as spirits go."
"I'm sure he is. Just one thing I want to tell you before I go..."
"What's that, Jackie?"
"You're still totally insane."


  1. "I said that before I had ever met Barbara Bush, so I guess I was out of line on that one."


  2. Babs would not be pleased with you, young man!

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