| "One of the GOP candidates is getting a brand-new endorsement right now, and boy, is it ever a big one! Enormous would not be overstating it... Drum roll please... In yet another FOX News Greta exclusive, Former U.N. ambassador John Bolton is here to announce his pick! Ambassador Bolton, I'm not going to steal your thunder. I know who it is. But tell the viewers, who are you endorsing, sir?" |
"Oh, you know who it is, do you? Well, I'm glad you decided not to steal my thunder, because it wouldn't have been wise. I'm sure you remember your Norse mythology, and that time when Loki snuck into Aasgaard to steal Thor's thunder. It was not a very pleasant scene."
"Oh. Well, who are you endorsing?"
"I thought you knew that, Greta, but since you already seem to have forgotten, I'm going to support Mitt Romney. I've thought about this very hard."
"How hard have you really thought about it?"
"You're a tough interviewer, Greta. I guess I'll have to admit that I didn't really think about it all that hard because it's pretty much of a no-brainer. I think Governor Romney is the person who can best mislead the party, and best obfuscate our conservative principles, at least out of this group of candidates. Like when I was waiting backstage in the Green Room, I went over to check out the mixed nuts and - you should know this, Greta, they were over fifty percent peanuts. That's really unsatisfactory, almost a breach of etiquette. But I picked through them, even dumped them out on the table, and there amongst their midst was one lonely Brazil nut, so of course I took that."
"I'm sure they weren't fifty percent peanuts, Ambassador Bolton."
"Over fifty percent, Greta, and I was your first guest of the night. Perhaps you should investigate the trustworthiness of your staff."
"All right... Now, Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum both describe Romney as a moderate, and they point to many of the unsavory things that happened in the state of Massachusetts. Do you disagree with them in their critique of his policies as being too moderate in many instances?"
"Well, let me put it this way. Looking at the whole range of prospective candidates, there was only one prospective candidate who met my test as the ideal conservative, but... unfortunately he decided not to run."
"So faced with looking at everyone else..."
"Hold it right there, Ambassador, if you're not telling me who the idea conservative is, I get to guess. Is it you?"
"I guess... I guess he's sitting here!"
"Who, me? I'm the idea conservative? No, wait a second, you said 'he', so you must mean you. I guessed right!"
"You did indeed. So faced with everybody else, I followed the William F. Buckley, Jr. test, which is to find the most conservative candidate who is capable of getting elected, and..."
"You know, that was weird. You said 'he'. What sort of person refers to themselves as 'he'? Or even 'she', for example, if it happened to be me?"
"I don't see anything strange about that. You never said it was weird when Herman Cain would come on your show and refer to himself as 'Herman Cain'."
"Well, I never said it because he was a semi-legitimate presidential candidate, whereas you are just another FOX News correspondent that we call in whenever we think that they might be useful."
"Like Sarah Palin and Karl Rove, huh?"
"Precisely, although they both have considerably more lucrative deals than you. Nevertheless, we do appreciate you giving us the exclusive."
"It's in my contract, Greta. I would have preferred to endorse on Hannity, but I just go where they tell me. Anyway, there are obviously two variables here..."
"At least two, Ambassador, and I appreciate you being here with us tonight for 'On the Record with Greta Van Susteren'."
"Just one last word. Endorsing Romney is like the words of the old hymn, 'Give Me That Old-Time Religion', you know, Romney's conservative enough for me."
"Those seem like pretty weird lyrics for a hymn, but what the hey, I'm a Scientologist. Okay, stay tuned, we've got Sarah Palin coming up next to ramble on incoherently about something or another that's marginally relevant."
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