Friday, September 9, 2011

Newt takes a pass

"Hello... Hello... Am I on? Sean?"
"Yeah, you're on, Mister Speaker. Why don't you just go ahead and introduce yourself - I'm having a little snack."
"Uh, okay... Hello, America, I'm Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and 2012 Republican presidential contender..."
"Yeah, kind of... In a matter of speaking..."
"I'm sorry, Sean, I don't get what you're trying to say."
"I thought I was very clear. In a matter of speaking, you're a presidential contender. Just like in a matter of speaking Thaddeus McCotter is a presidential contender."
"I think the phrase you're looking for is in a manner of speaking, Sean."
"And you know as well as anybody that I am totally committed to being the next president of the United States... Uh, why do you have all the lights off in the studio?"
"As I said at the top of the segment, I'm having a snack, and I don't want you staring at me while I eat my nachos."
"You should pass those nachos right away."
"Even if I was inclined to share, I believe that you know that is a physical impossibility. I'm sitting here in my studio and you're on a monitor being broadcast from..."
"I know that, Sean. It's just a little joke. Watching Obama's jobs speech last night, I was quite amused by the way he kept repeating the phrase pass this bill. Every other sentence it was 'pass the jobs bill' or 'pass this bill right away'."
"I of course refused to watch the speech because it was on MSNBC, but when I read the transcript I found that to be more obnoxious than funny."
"My own personal feeling is that Obama is trying his hardest to put government ahead of the private sector, and you don't create jobs by throwing taxpayer money at the unemployed, you create jobs by easing the taxes and restrictions on the job creators, reducing our dependency..."
"But now that I think about it, it's more insidious than it is obnoxious. It's like brainwashing, you say 'pass this bill' enough times and people start wandering around thinking we need to pass this bill right now but they don't know why."
"I guess that's certainly possible, Sean. But like I was saying, pass the ketchup right now."
"Are you insane, Mister Speaker? You don't put ketchup on nachos."
"No, of course not. You know how it is when you get a phrase stuck in your head and can't stop saying it?"
"No I don't. I am not one to repeat myself."
"Another way to look at it is that 'pass this bill' can just turn into one of those silly catch phrases that don't mean anything anymore. For example, did you know that Ronald Reagan was the first person to ever say 'sock it to me'? Of course he only used it once. But then Richard Nixon said it and all of a sudden everybody was going around saying 'sock it to me'."
"I'll take your word for that since you're quite a bit older than me, but you prove my point exactly. Obama's repetition is a not so subtle form of brainwashing."
"Pass the dutchie, Sean."
"Pass the dutchie. It's a, uh, song by Musical Youth that was popular back when I was younger, and Lil Wayne made a new version recently... I just thought it was funny."

"Well, you certainly have an odd sense of humor. Have you considered the possibility that that's one of the reasons we haven't had you on the show lately?"
"Because of my sense of humor? I don't think..."
"My good friend Michele Bachmann was supposed to do the show tonight and she had to cancel at the last minute and then they surprise me with you."
"I guess they figured they could always get me at the last minute, which is a bit of a misconception propagated by the elite media."
"I mean, for God's sake, why do you think I'm sitting here with the lights off. I don't want to be seen with you. You've been a correspondent here at FOX, you know how it works. I've moved on to the higher profile candidates. You're supposed to be Neil Cavuto's guest now."
"But he's not even in prime time."
"And neither are you, Mister Speaker, but we appreciate you joining us tonight. Now, stay tuned after the break, when we'll return for a very revealing conversation with my special guest Dick Morris."

1 comment:

  1. You should have titled this "Newt Passes Gas, fucking windbag.