Tuesday, September 13, 2011


“I’m proud to say that this was the craziest debate yet, and I think that CNN can really build on it.” So says Wolf Blitzer, the biggest name on a network bereft of big names. There was a time, however, when CNN was the brightest star in the galaxy of cable news, a golden era that stretched all the way from their founding at the hands of Ted Turner until that fateful day when somebody else said “Hey, maybe I’ll start a news channel too.”

“It was a brilliant move for CNN to team up with the Tea Party for the third debate, and I don’t think anyone can deny that,” brags Blitzer. “Those guys are TV magic, and I for one like the look of a little stardust sprinkled on my beard. It may itch a little, but we love to scratch, and maybe now we can make a little as well.”

“Oh, there were some glorious moments in our grand debate, but given the motley cast of characters, how could there not have been? We played our part well, never pretending to be superior to the actors we hosted, and we even staged it a bit like a WWF event, just with the action being verbal rather than physical. I must admit that  if there had been a shove, a slap, or even a punch we would not have been unhappy, and the audience would have been ecstatic. Did you hear the cries of glee when I asked if an injured thirty year old with no insurance should be left to die? That, my friends, is television gold.”

“I see us getting very cozy with the Tea Party. After all, they need a network too. Republicans have FOX, Democrats have MSNBC, and we’ve just been stuck here with the fuzzy middle, yearning for another party to emerge. And now that our prayers have been answered, we’d be crazy not to pounce on it like Rick Perry on a puppy threatening coyote. We’re even thinking of changing our name. I’m not one to speak out of school, but how does the sound of CNNTP grab you? A little too subtle perhaps, but I like the ring of it.”

1 comment:

  1. Sorry, but I can't look at CNNTP without thinking something sub mons veneris.