Monday, March 7, 2011

Westboro Blues

Joining us now on FOX News Sunday is attorney Marge Phelps, the deplorable daughter of the deplorable Fred Phelps, pastor of the deplorable Westboro Baptist Church. Ms Phelps recently won her first amendment argument in front of the Supreme Court, but today she's in the news for another reason.
That's right, Chris. I got a lot of attention for publicly saying something that pretty much everybody already knew - the nine justices on the Supreme Court are all going to burn in Hell.
Don't you think that's a little harsh? They just ruled in your favor, guaranteeing your right to disrupt any funeral that you wish to.
That's true, Chris, but they still are a bunch of Catholics and Jews who defend homosexuality and abortion, so I hardly think my judgment is nearly as harsh as God's will be.
But all nine? Do you believe even Justices Thomas and Scalia will be cast into the lake of fire?
 I have no objective indicator otherwise. The default for mankind is hell. Unless you bring forth fruits meet for repentance, the assumption is that you will end up in hell when you quit your life on this earth. You know who will be joining the Supreme Court in eternal torment? Barack Obama. There, I said it.
Yes you did, right here on FOX News. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day so I hate to challenge you, but are you absolutely sure all the justices and the president are going to burn?
Absolutely Chris. That's a big 10-4. I already answered on the justices. The president is going to be king of the world before this is all said and done, and he is most likely the Beast spoken of in the revelation. You really can't get much more damned than that.
Okay. Just for fun I thought we would show you pictures of some famous people and get your opinion on their chances in the afterlife. Let's start with House Majority Leader John Boehner.
Oh my, why even ask? He's a smoker, a drinker, a profaner, and he plays golf on Sundays. You know who'll be escorting him to Hell? His little Jewish sidekick Eric Cantor.
Pelosi? Please, don't even show me anybody else from the House... My dad calls it the whore House, and I agree and so does God.
Sean Hannity? He's double damned. Not only is he a Catholic, he's said some very unkind things about Westboro Baptist Church.
Rob Zombie? I would be quite surprised if he doesn't end up being cast into the bottomless pit.
Glenn Beck? I can sum it up for you in one word, Chris - Mormon.
PeeWee? He's already done his time in Hell, Chris, so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay in the afterlife. Not positive, but pretty sure.
Puh-lease, Chris.
Rahm Emanuel? He'll be working in Hell as the main doorman.
Get that harlot's picture away from me, Chris. If Obama is indeed the AntiChrist, Sarah Palin is his devil bitch-dog Jezebel.
Well, Ms Phelps, we've gone through about ten people and you've pretty much condemned them all to Hell.
I didn't condemn them, Chris, they condemned themselves. Besides, I said I thought that PeeWee would probably be alright. Do you want to know about your own eternal fate?
We'll be back after a commercial break with Senators Orin Hatch, John McCain, and John Kerry.
Hell. Hell. And Hell.


  1. If the options are 1) spend eternity in Heaven with Marge Phelps or 2) spend eternity in Hell with Sean Hannity, all I can say is: "AAARGH!"

  2. Grazi to the SC wiseguys and "Billy Bob" Alito for doin' their part for the bapticks.