Tuesday, March 8, 2011

starved for entertainment

Pssstt... Come here! Yeah, that's right, over here. Don't be afraid, it's just me, your old friend Donald Rumsfeld. My God, I've been around since before the election of Dick Nixon, so you should know me by now. I'm pretty harmless nowadays, just an old man and his memories, the second volume of which I'm writing now. I've been to the four corners of the world and I've left my mark on a few of them while I was there. You might say that I've seen everything.
Have I in fact seen everything? Good question. I've seen Lady Gaga in a meat dress and I've seen the people of Egypt rise up and seize power from my old friend Hosni Mubarak and I've seen everything in between. In short, I can honestly say that I've seen everything that I've ever thought about seeing. But the truth is that there are known and unknown sights, and I can't claim to have seen the sights that I don't know about. So I haven't seen everything, but I have seen plenty.
Now come on over, I want to show you something that I guarantee you have never seen before. You'll find it on my website, Rumsfeld.com. Go ahead and click, it's just a video, it won't bite you. No, it's not pornographic per se, but then again that depends on your definition of pornography. But it is most assuredly very weird, which is why I need to give you fair warning - you might find it disturbing.
You know, I haven't gotten the sort of traffic on my website that I initially anticipated. People say it's boring and stodgy and I suppose an argument can be made in that direction, but all that's going to change now, because this isn't the only video of I've got. Ariana Huffington, look out, Rummy's on the move.
Back in 1983 I was Ronnie Reagan's Middle East Envoy, and as some of you might have read, we were rather friendly with Saddam Hussein's government. This was before we overthrew them, which is a good example of just how quickly things can change. Well, one day after concluding a meeting with Saddam, he gave me a present. Now this in and of itself was not unusual, because he was always giving me little gifts, but the nature of his gift was quite shocking. It was a video, the one I told you to click on earlier. It's quite striking.
You see, if there's one person in the world that Saddam hated, it was Syrian dictator Hafez al-Assad. He just despised the man, and was always telling me stories about his brutality. Don't worry, I wouldn't expose you to scenes of human torture. That's for my private collection. However, if you find footage of young people stabbing puppies in front of applauding Syrian leaders disturbing, this might not be your cup of tea.
It's not all puppicide, though, that's just one part. The best and longest portion of the video is the snake eating. And I'm not talking about snacking on snake with a nice Chianti here. The same young people I was mentioning earlier are standing in a line, each with their very own live squirming reptile, and on cue, they start biting the heads off while al-Assad and his thugs enthusiastically applaud. Very Mondo Cane.
Well, I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to people no longer saying that my web site is boring; I've got these videos and it's high time I started posting them.
Oh, and don't forget to click on the PayPal button.

1 comment:

  1. To this day, Syria has never been invaded by an army of snakes and puppies, and now you know why.