I can help!

It's been a grim 2012 so far tfor conservative America, a time when the 'Land of Opportunity to Throw Barack Obama onto the Scrapheap of History™' is increasingly looking less like a slam dunk than a four year project.   Expectations have been tempered. Of course the excitement that a Gingrich smackdown of the Obama dictatorship would create lasting memories, but they might dissipate completely by the end of four years of lectures from the vapid intellect of the great professor. Santorum would certainly put women back in the kitchen where they belong and bring America closer to God, but it would be a rather unpleasant God, one who forced the return of bathtub gin and black market Trojans. And under a President Romney, America might only be twice as great as it was under Obama, a palliative disappointment to an electorate longing for the hallucinatory memory of the Reagan glory.   But a glimmer of hope has returned for at least one extraordinary individual, the beloved former half-term Governor of Alaska whose modest dream has been only to reach the most powerful position in the world while expending the least possible effort.   "If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention," a delusional Sarah Palin said on FOX News yesterday. "Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. I would do whatever I could to help."   "Yes, I'm sure she would do everything she could to help herself," said Rick Santorum when told of Palin's statements. "You know, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. Being a Christian conservative, I don't really feel free to say what the fuck or shit or goddamn it to hell. I can't even say son of a bitch, but needless to say, I'll think all of these things, even if it's to my own personal detriment... It's just that for once in my life I got a lucky break and caught the last surge of the nomination race, and I know in my heart that the possibility of a brokered convention and another candidate will have people voting for Newt by the time we get to Michigan. Gosh darn it to heck."

Welcome to the B-list

"Hi, Sean! Hope you like banana-nut cause I've got muffins!"   "Oh, hi Sarah... As a matter of fact, banana-nut makes me kind of nauseous, but that's okay, cause I've got half a cheesesteak in my dressing room. What are you doing here?"   "I'm doing your show, silly, what do you think I'm doing?"   "Uh, didn't you get the message? I had Lois call to tell you that your segment had been canceled."   "Cancelled?"   "Yeah, we've got a couple of technology gurus on. We thought we would spend our first segment discussing Steve Jobs tonight."   "Steve Jobs?"   "Yeah, you know, the founder of Apple, the second biggest corporation in the country. He was a great American. You might have heard that he died last night."   "Of course I heard about it, Sean. I was in my room last night, trying to watch the coverage about my big announcement and all they had on was Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs. He totally buried my coverage."   "Well, sure, and uh, that's why we thought we would do a segment on it tonight. Last night we had already done all the prep for the show by the time the news broke, and we had all the guests booked, and..."   "But you had me booked tonight!"   "And that's part of the problem, Sarah. We booked you last week, uh, before things changed."   "You mean, just because I announced that I wasn't going to run for president, you're blowing me off?"   "That's essentially correct, but I deny that I'm blowing you off. Look, I'm right here talking to you now. It's just that we've got this segment on Steve Jobs..."   "Screw Steve Jobs. You can put me on the second segment if he's so important to you!"   "Oh wow, I couldn't do that. I've got Hank Williams Jr on for the second segment. Big big story, and I'm the first one to get him."   "Okay, Sean, since I'm already here, I guess I could do the third segment after the half hour break."   "Well, like I said, this Hank Williams Jr thing is a really big story, so we're going to take it for two segments..."   "Well, I'm certainly not going to do your final segment."   "I should say not, Sarah. We've got Dick Morris booked. Listen, maybe we could have you on the radio show sometime next week. How does that sound?"   "Look here, Sean Hannity, I still have the ability to be the kingmaker in this race. A lot of the candidates are already calling me. And if I don't think there's anybody able to articulate the true conservative message, I still have the capability of launching a third party campaign."   "And if either of those things happen down the road, I'd be delighted to have you back on as a special guest."   "I'm not suddenly some kind of B-lister just because..."   "Oh wow, look at the time. Ten minutes till air. Gotta get over to makeup. Take care, Sarah, and stay in touch."

From Sarah's Facebook: Good news on the default front

I was reading the most interesting thing last night and it really shows just how much Obama has been deceiving the American people about this so-called disaster that's supposed to happen on August 2 if we don't raise the debt ceiling. I didn't use the word lying but you can read between the lines cause if it quacks like a duck then that's what it is, particularly if it's got one of those cute orange beaks and waddles around a lot.   The government is not going to run out of money on August 2. I repeat, the government is not going to run out of money on August 2 because that's what some experts say, experts who know a lot more about these thing than Timothy Geithner who should be fired. Like UBS says we're not going to run out until August 8 and Barclays says August 10 and Wells Fargo says we might make it all the way till the end of the month cause there's more money coming in from high taxes than we were le to believe plus there's more coming in all the time.   You know, it's like when you're grieving about the fact that your wallet is empty and your checking account is totally blah and the only thing you really want out of life at the moment is a pizza and a six pack and then suddenly - suddenly - you remember the change jar. You know, the jar or box or whatever where you throw all your pennies and nickels and dimes and maybe even a few quarters so your purse doesn't weigh like a ton? And you don't even want to count it because honestly who has the time? So you dump it all in a plastic bag and you lug it down to the Walmart where they have one of those Coinstar machines, you know, one of those machines where you dump your change in and it counts it all up and then it gives you a receipt that you give to the girl at the service desk and then they give you money or a gift card? If you take money than the store takes a cut just like the federal government but if you take the gift card you get full value but you probably want to take the money because the pizza at Walmart really isn't very good. So you're watching and the Coinstar is counting the change and showing how much you've got on a little display and all of a sudden you've got enough for a pizza and then a minute later you've got enough for a six pack as well and it just keeps going and going and before you know it you've got like eighty-three dollars plus thirty-two cents that you can use to start a new change jar.   That's just like the federal government, and you know, while they're spending that eighty-three dollars more change is coming in all the time like from all of the high taxes and so you really don't know when you're going to run out of money or even if you're going to run out at all because it's almost like a perpetual motion machine. And then you remember that you haven't even checked your other purses for the change that might be there and especially the closet where Todd hangs his pants because he never empties his pockets and the coins all fall out on the floor. There's your change you can believe in.

The Backup Plan

"I'd be more than pleased to tell you what's going on with FOX News, Rupert. Quite frankly it's been a bit of a pain to have to keep you in the dark this way. We just felt that things would be better off if we kept you out of the loop for a while."

You know, Roger, FOX News is my company, so in a sense you work for me. So I don't mind telling you point blank that I want to know just what the hell you're doing with that idiot Sarah Palin.

An idiot, true, but a most useful one. And an idiot who should be waiting in my office right about now. Let's go there now, and I think I can make everything  much clearer to you.

Good evening Mister Murdoch. Mister Ailes, Sarah Palin is waiting for you in your bunker.

She looks familiar to me for some reason.

Apparently she was working for Rahm Emmanuel before he departed for Chicago... Ah, there she is, the girl of the hour. Good to see you, Sarah.

Hi Mister Ailes. Hi Cranky Old Man. I was just thumbing through the Wall Street Journal.

Very good, although I would suggest that you might enjoy it more if you held it right side up.

Oh... You know, I find it more challenging to read it upside down. Specially the stock quotes. Trying to tell all those sixes from nines, and eights from eights.

See, Rupert. She's very, very bright.

Yes I am! My bus tour rocked! All these guys are going around, saying they were gonna run for president, and all anybody wanted was me! I'm gonna do another bus tour!

You shall indeed, Sarah, and FOX will be there to film every minute of it. Now maybe you would like to show Mister Murdoch how well you can dance. I've got 'Papa's Got a Brand New Bag' cued.

My favorite! Whee! She's doin the jerk, she's doin the fly, don't play her cheep cause you know that she ain't shy. She's doin the monkey, the mashed potatoes, jump back jack, gonna see you later alligator... Whee!

That's vaguely disturbing...

But in a good way. Sarah, if you could be a good girl and go sit in the reception room for a few minutes, I need to talk to Mister Murdoch alone.

Okie dokie, they've got donuts out there. But don't keep me waiting too long. Your newspaper doesn't have any comics in it.

...sigh... For years, I dreamed of owning the Wall Street Journal, and I am not going to bespoil it by including Garfield. Are you seriously promoting Sarah Palin for president, Rupert?

I'm still in the room, you nasty old man.

Indeed you are, and... that being the case, perhaps you could clarify something for Mister Murdoch.  Sarah, do you really want to be the president of the United States?

Are you kidding me? That has got to be about the worst gig in the world. Heck, I didn't even like being governor of Alaska.

You see, Rupert, even though I have a master plan and a backup plan, being a person of some not insignificant insecurities, I feel the need to have a backup to my backup plan.

That's me! I'm double redundancy!

I'm a pragmatic man, Rupert. I like Pawlenty but I could live with most any of the GOP candidates. But the more I watch this race play out, the more I worry that a moderate nominee like Tim Pawlenty or Romney would alienate the sizable activist wing on the right. They are our bread and butter, after all, and we must eat...

That's certainly a dynamic that's playing out. I take it that you think you have a plan which could bridge that gap. And I get the feeling that this plan somehow involves Ms Palin.

I'm the secret weapon!

To be kept behind glass and used only in case of emergency and for round the clock exclusive coverage. But if it looks as though a sure loser like Romney is on his way to the nomination, we break that glass and launch Sarah as an independent candidate.

We would certainly be able to get her name on all the state ballots easily enough, but what good would that do? She could never win the presidency.

Could if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

For one thing, she could win certain states that a Romney couldn't win. And more importantly, it would be great television.

A ratings bonanza!

What you end up with, Rupert, is a delightful little scenario where neither candidate would have the delegates to win. And that, my friend, according to the twelfth amendment, means that the election would be decided by the House of Representatives.

I love the twelfth amendment.

I suppose that all makes a certain kind of sense. And it would be great television. The only problem I can see is what would happen if the Republicans did lose the House.

Heh heh... according to the twelfth amendment, it's not members who vote but the states, one vote per state, so even if the GOP does lose the House, there are more little red states than big blue ones.

I really love the twelfth amendment.

So we'll get our guy in the White House, FOX News will be an even more unstoppable powerhouse, and Ms Palin will get all the publicity and attention her little heart desires.

I'll be more famous than God! No disrespect intended, Mister Ailes.

The long strange trip of Paul Revere

"And I just got a chance, an opportunity, to see the birthplace of Paul Revere, the birthplace of his famous ride, and it sent a chill up my spine, cause Paul Revere is the founding father who in fact created the early warning system, which, you know, was responsible for us to being able to wipe the British off the face of the United States, as we planned to call it later."   "He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed." "Now, uh, a lot of people, especially the young people, think that he was trying to warn the colonialists, and that, I guess that's kind of correct as far as it goes, but he was trying to warn the British that we had big guns and big bells and those bells were ringing and it must have made an awful din and then a few months later we whipped the British and now they're the English."   "Then a little later, after we won that war, Paul Revere, he uh, he wasn't content to rest on his laurels, and he teamed up with Dick Clark on an early version of television, and he had a lot of hit records like 'Kicks' and 'Indian Reservation', you can still hear them on the radio to this very day, at least in Wasilla."

23 bottles of beer on the bus,

Hey! Why did we stop? We've still got 23 bottles of beer on the bus!

Sorry, lady, but there's a couple of guys here who say this is as far as you're going to go.

We'll just see about that! Nobody stops Sarah Palin's forward progress.

Howdy, sexy grandma. I'm Tiny. You out takin' a little Sunday stroll?

I am not a grandma.

Mother! You are too!

I'm thinkin' ya'll might be lost. Is that what it is, sweetheart? Ya'll lookin' for Bloomingdales?

No, we were just...

Willow, he said sweetheart, so I believe the gentleman was addressing me. We are here to ride in Rolling Thunder.

Not in that bus, you ain't. Where's your hogs?

We... We have no hogs.

We actually do have a couple of bikes but they're back in Alaska and...

Hush, Todd, they're called hogs, and you are not being helpful.

Well, I'd be more than happy to have the cute one ride with me.

Really? Mom, would it be okay if...

Quiet, Willow, he said the cute one, so I assume that he was talking to me. Sure, I'll ride with you. Can I call you Booger?

Nah, that's gross. Call me Ernie.

Ernie? That's a weird biker name... Could I ride with you, Mister Tiny?

Sure thing, sexy grandma.

Oh boy, this is gonna be great! Todd, keep an eye on Willow and I'll meet you in a couple hours at the Washington Monument.

But I want to...

Come on, Willow. Let's walk up the mall and I'll treat us to a couple of snow cones...