Thursday, February 16, 2012

I can help!

It's been a grim 2012 so far tfor conservative America, a time when the 'Land of Opportunity to Throw Barack Obama onto the Scrapheap of History™' is increasingly looking less like a slam dunk than a four year project.
Expectations have been tempered. Of course the excitement that a Gingrich smackdown of the Obama dictatorship would create lasting memories, but they might dissipate completely by the end of four years of lectures from the vapid intellect of the great professor. Santorum would certainly put women back in the kitchen where they belong and bring America closer to God, but it would be a rather unpleasant God, one who forced the return of bathtub gin and black market Trojans. And under a President Romney, America might only be twice as great as it was under Obama, a palliative disappointment to an electorate longing for the hallucinatory memory of the Reagan glory.
But a glimmer of hope has returned for at least one extraordinary individual, the beloved former half-term Governor of Alaska whose modest dream has been only to reach the most powerful position in the world while expending the least possible effort.
"If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention," a delusional Sarah Palin said on FOX News yesterday. "Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. I would do whatever I could to help."
"Yes, I'm sure she would do everything she could to help herself," said Rick Santorum when told of Palin's statements. "You know, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. Being a Christian conservative, I don't really feel free to say what the fuck or shit or goddamn it to hell. I can't even say son of a bitch, but needless to say, I'll think all of these things, even if it's to my own personal detriment... It's just that for once in my life I got a lucky break and caught the last surge of the nomination race, and I know in my heart that the possibility of a brokered convention and another candidate will have people voting for Newt by the time we get to Michigan. Gosh darn it to heck."


  1. 'Black Market Trojans'? Aren't those the dudes Paris stole Helen from?

  2. She could do us all a favor and trip on some high heels she took home as swag, right in front of a speeding bus, twice.