Monday, February 13, 2012


Ooh! Ooh! There he is over there! You folks see him? The squirrelly looking fellow with the eyeglasses? Think you can hit him from here, Ann? Good. Okay, he's looking in this direction - let that flapjack fly!
Mitt Romney, you miserable mealy-mouthed Massachusetts moderate Mormon mental midget, did you just assault me with a pancake?
Moi? Heavens no, Rick. I flung no flapjack, and you have my solemn word on that. I didn't even know you were here, although unfortunately I can't offer the assurance of my integrity for that statement.
He speaks the truth, Paleface. My mischievous mate hoisted no hotcake. Although, in all honesty, he might know the identity of the individual that did.
She's speculating, Rick. You know how it is when you're out on the campaign trail, you meet so many people...
That is so bogus, Mitt Romney. Just look at all the pancakes you have. It's an arsenal, much more than your fair share.
I'll grant you that, Rick. I have been blessed when it come to battercakes. But take a look around this room. Almost everybody has one. I happened to notice that you had one too.
I didn't really get to enjoy it, though... I wonder, as long as you're back there...
Say no more. Ann, serve this hungry young man a nice fluffy flapjack with a couple crisp slices on the side. Know what, Rick? I think I'll change out of this folksy outfit and join you.
Uh, no... I think maybe I should just mingle with the voters and see what the Michigan mood is. I need to...
You're too late, you vulgar little man. You should know by now that Mitt's a quick change artist. Now take your plate and leave my sight.
Shake a leg, Santorum, I've got us a prime table in the 'no voters' section.

Is that all you're going to have to eat, son? It takes a hefty breakfast to run a hearty campaign, know what I mean? You don't? Well, let me have that bacon if you're just going to leave it on your plate.
They let you have bacon?
What? Are you talking about the LDS church or are you talking about my campaign manager? Because I listen to them both, and they both tell me 'you go ahead, Mitt, you eat anything you want. You want bacon, you go for it. While you're at it, have a rafter of those little link sausages you like so much'. Watch me now, I'm going to eat this entire Cheese Danish in a single bite... Mmm, that's good eating. Let me ask you something, Rick. Why on earth are you're really running for president in the first place?
You don't really think that I'm going to open myself up to you like that, do you? I've got my reasons. Why don't you tell me why you're really running?
Why not, indeed? It's always personally enlightening to reexamine your own motivations in life. So I guess I'd start out by admitting that I really don't have any beliefs that I find an overwhelmingly need to coerce people to share with me. The truth is that I'm a highly pragmatic man with a good grasp of situational politics. Now that by itself...
...thirty minutes later...
Of course, my father is a pivotal figure in my overall psychological makeup. He was a very important man, a business titan who's achievements certainly dwarf my own. I may have made more money than he did, but he changed the entire auto industry. He was the governor of the great state we're in now, and on Nixon's cabinet at a crucial time in history. Of course before he took that position, he challenged Nixon in the 1968 primaries, and that was the campaign that broke his spirit...
...much later...
...and so then in 2010, when I examined the political landscape, I felt that I was ideally positioned to put forth the right sort of solutions for the country at that point in time. So I decided that...
Time to get a move on, Mitt. Everybody's gone on home. And you have another appearance in less than thirty minutes.
Thanks, Ann, I'm on top of it. It's just a fifteen minute drive, but we'd better get going. I'm sure Rick here has important things to do as well.
Oh, right, I sure do. I've got a crucial interview with the Michigan media at... Oh no, doggone it to heck! I can't believe I missed it!
Got to keep your eye on the clock, my friend. See you on the road.
Wait! I haven't had a chance to tell you why I'm really running for president...
That's okay, Rick. I'm sure that you've got your reasons. Ciao.
But... Uh... I wonder if there's any more of those pancakes left...

1 comment:

  1. Ummmm.

    Pass those sausage links.

    To them.

    Love ya,