Trump to make lemonade

"...and like pretty much every other day, we have Donald Trump on the 'FOX and Friends' hotline ready to offer us his take on the events of the day."   "I think he's really starting to abuse our hotline, Gretchen. I know you told him a few months ago to call in anytime, but he really is starting to make this..."   "Who is that - Doocy? I don't want to hear Doocy shooting his mouth off when I appear on the show."   "Mister Trump, good morning. Nice to hear from you again. You were right, by the way, that was Doocy shooting his mouth off."   "Well, tell him to keep it shut when I do the show."   "Keep it shut when Mister Trump does the show, Doocy."   "He doesn't really do the show, Gretchen, he just has one of his apprentices call us up on the phone whenever he feels like it and we stick his picture up on the screen..."   "Steve! He's our guest!"   "Not really, Gretchen. A real guest doesn't show up anytime they choose just for the sake of cheap publicity."   "You know, it would be very easy for me to just start calling up Good Morning America, so I would advise you to silence Doocy with all due haste."   "I know you can, Mister Trump. I'm very sorry."   "That's all right, Gretchen, not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to hire and fire our own co-workers. The reason I'm calling in this morning is to promote my upcoming debate on the Ion network. There was a lot of speculation that I might cancel it just because a couple of the candidate are too cowardly to appear. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I'm making lemonade."    "They always say that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade."   "Who the hell said that? Was that Doocy?"   "No, Mister Trump, that was me, Brian Kilmeade."   "All right, Brian Kilmeade, I will assume you meant no harm with your remark, but I would suggest that you emulate Doocy in trying to maintain a respectful silence. Life does not give lemons to Donald Trump. I just thought that lemonade would be a nice change from the water served at most debates."   "It sounds like a very interesting affair, and I know that I'll be watching, but how do you feel about the candidates that refused to attend?"   "Very good question, Gretchen, but I don't want anyone to think that my support or lack thereof for a candidate is in any way dependent on their attendance. Obviously I would never support a nonentity like Huntsman or an insane person like Ron Paul, so I don't mind their absence at all. Now Michele Bachmann is a different story entirely. She sought out my counsel relentlessly and even said that if she won the nomination that she wanted me to be her vice president. I found the idea totally ludicrous."   "The idea that she might win?"   "That, and the idea that I would accept the second slot. That's pathetic. And speaking of pathetic, let's talk Rick Perry. The man is obviously a coward, and I think he proved that again at the ABC debate on Saturday."   "How so?"   "By refusing to accept Mitt Romney's $10,000 bet. Where's the courage of his convictions? If Perry thought he was in the right he should have taken that bet and raised it."   "Double down?"   "Exactly. I must say that did give me a new respect for Romney, though. I like the man. He's a really nice guy,. but his  numbers have gone down very substantially since he said 'no', and a lot people think it's because it showed a lack of decisiveness or a lack of courage in going into this debate."   "Sealed his own fate."   "Exactly, Gretchen. But none of this makes any difference. Newt and I may just do a chat."   "And Rick Santorum. He gets a seat at the table, doesn't he?"   "He had the courage to RSVP and Donald Trump is a man who honors his commitments. So yes, he gets a seat, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to let him speak."   "So, uh, just you and Newt. That sounds a little..."   "A little slow? Not on your life, Gretchen. Newt and I may be the only real candidates, but you should know that I understand how to put on a good show. Every significant candidate will be represented at my debate. For example, Rick Perry will be portrayed by the fine actor Josh Brolin."   "That's good casting."   "Thank you, Gretchen. You're an excellent host. Josh said that he wasn't all that familiar with Perry, but I told him not to worry and just play the same character as he did in 'W' and nobody will notice the difference. I've got Paul Reubens - you know, Pee Wee Herman - to play Ron Paul. I just hope he'll be wacky enough. For John Huntsman, we've got nothing. The man is a nonentity. And you'll love this, Greta. For Michele Bachmann we've got Marilyn Manson."   "Marilyn Manson?"   "Without make-up, they're almost identical. It's amazing."   "All right. What about Mitt Romney?"   "We just hired some model from the Land's End catalogue. Oh yes, one more big name. In the Herman Cain chair we've got Herman Cain. Hey, he RSVPed, what could I do? Plus, he didn't say he was ending his campaign, he just said he was suspending it."   "All right, sounds great. I'll be watching."   "You and about thirty million others, Gretchen."

Mitt Meets The Donald

"Good afternoon, Mister Trump, it's great to finally get a chance to sit down and break bread with you... Mister Trump?.... Uh, are you okay?.... You... look upset."   "I was just looking at my watch, Governor Romney, and it had something very interesting to say. It said that the time was 2:07."   "And so it is, yes. My, that's a fine looking timepiece you're wearing. May I ask what is?"   "It's a friggin watch is what it is. And now it says 2:08, is what it says. You were supposed to be here at two-o'-clock sharp."   "Oh, right, but I was pretty close. We got to Trump Towers and realized that there really wasn't any back entrance, so we had to go across the street to the subway station and take the entrance in from there."   "Why didn't you simply take the front door?"   "Boy, that would have been a lot more convenient, but I kind of wanted to avoid any photo-ops."   "You wanted to avoid any photo-ops? Explain."   "Oh, you know. Walking into this opulent building with it's gold-plated awnings to meet with a megalomaniac... That's the sort of image I'm trying to avoid, the whole rich guy thing."   "Believe me, if I am forced by circumstances to get into the presidential race, a move which that would require me to disclose the financial reach of my empire, you would not need to worry about being referred to as the rich guy."   "I'm sure that's true, but the fact that..."   "We are drifting far afield from my original point, which is that you arrived at 2:07 for a 2:00 meeting. Promptness is a crucial component of leadership."   "Well, let's get to lunch. Say, I thought I heard that Sarah Palin was over an hour late to meet with you. True?"   "Sarah Palin is no leader."   "Good point. You had lunch with Michele Bachmann, too, didn't you? Was she on time?"   "She was early. That sort of over-eagerness is an unattractive trait in anyone seeking high office. And she has atrocious table manners."   "Okay, then, let's get on with this. I believe I understand the ground rules. We have lunch, you pontificate a while, and afterwards you say slightly less unkind things about me because now you can call me an associate."   "Good response. You demonstrate at least a minimal grasp of the dynamics. Plus, I reserve the right to later say that I have met all of the candidates and found them wanting, and then announce a third-party candidacy."   "Uh huh. Should I kiss your ring now or after lunch?"   "I would prefer now."   "Well, forget about it. That's not going to happen."   "Good answer. Rick Perry slobbered all over the damn thing... Come on, we can take the elevator to the garage if you don't want any photographs."

Trump to America: 'You're Fired!'

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Donald John Trump Sr. Esq. B.S. today announced that he would not run for president, if nominated, he would not accept, and if elected, he would not serve, although he would freely gloat about it.   "You're fired, America," he said in a short statement. "People always ask, who is John Galt. I'll tell you who John Galt is. I am John Galt, that's who fucking John Galt is, and I'm going to stop the motor of the world by depriving America of my magnificence, except, of course, for Sunday nights on NBC."   "You know, if  I had run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. But you'll never get an opportunity to see that happy day now, cause this country has blown it. You've fucking blown it America. You had the future in the palm of your hand and you know what? It was too hot for you. You don't deserve me and you're not going to get me. It makes me wonder, the idea that some people wanted to act like I was a clown that made them laugh. You make me laugh, America. I expect to be hearing a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth, and believe me, it will be music to my fucking ears."   "Two more things. First, now you're never going to get to see my tax returns. Tough titty, America. And second, you know all that money that I was going to spend on my campaign? I'm going to take it and build the most fabulous hotel and casino the world has ever seen. And you're not going to get to see it, America, because you won't be invited."

teed off

"...so obviously as you can tell from the young and attractive Mrs. Trump, as well as the previous two no-longer-young Mrs. Trumps, I am a strong believer in marriage. And I mean traditional marriage, one wife at a time. Now take your gay marriages - It’s like in golf. A lot of people - I don’t want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist."   "So you're saying that you don't have a long putter?"   "A long putter? Don't make me laugh. And don't think I don't know exactly what you're trying to do with that question. That's a double entendre if I've ever heard one."   "No, not really. I do write for Pro Golf Talk and that's just something I thought the readers would want to know."   "Okay, then. No, I don't have a long putter."    "Bwah ha ha ha ha... Excuse me. Let's talk about President Obama's hole in one. How do you feel about the fact that the United States has finally managed to kill Osama bin Laden?"   "Obviously I feel very good about it. The man fucked with my city. Made a mess out of it. I've already congratulated President Obama for handling things the way Donald Trump would handle them. As a reward, I'm giving him 48 hours where I won't talk about the many other ways that he doesn't measure up to me."   "Some would say that in actuality you're pulling back because in the light of recent events you are no longer relevant. Republican strategist Mike Murphy..."   "Never heard of the man."   "He's well known in the golf world. Shoots with a +2 handicap. Murphy says you never felt more over with and that maybe now the market for clown candidates will diminish."   "He called me a clown candidate? I'd like to wrap a nine iron around his head. I'll remember that name and make sure he never plays a round on one of my courses again, and I have the very finest golf courses in the country. Let me tell you something - I deserve a couple of days to just relax, play a little golf and assess my situation. Less than a week ago I single-handedly forced Obama to reveal his birth certificate. And don't ask me about that. I get sick of you reporters continually asking me about the president's birth certificate."   "I wasn't going to."   "Good. You're learning. So after I forced Obama to show his birth certificate, I was not prepared for him to retaliate with the full force of the government. On Saturday I was invited to a nice dinner in Washington, and Obama used the bully pulpit of his presidency to attempt to ridicule me in front of the entire room. How pathetic for him. Everybody thought it was pathetic and they were laughing out of sympathy for me. Not that I need anyone's sympathy. And then on Sunday, he chooses to make his announcement about Bin Laden right during the last thirty minutes of  'Celebrity Apprentice'. He could have easily waited until the morning but apparently the idea was to disrupt my show. He can expect a very large lawsuit. Very large. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to finish playing. Any last question?"   "Just a short one, like your putter. Do you have a stiff driver?"

besieged on all sides

Yesterday, I was very very proud of myself because I had accomplished something that nobody else had been able to accomplish. Of course that's not the first time I've ever been able to accomplish something that nobody else has been able to, not by a long shot. That's why I'm so full of pride. I've earned the right to gloat a little, okay? Okay? If you ever accomplish half as much - a tenth as much - as me, then you can gloat a little too, but until then don't try to deprive me of the privilege.   But there's these people, these little people - parasites, I like to call them - who like to get in your face and try to suck all of the joy out of life, and they make me sick. Physically ill, just nauseous. And these little people have been in my face for the last twenty-four hours and I'm here to tell them back off parasites. Nobody sucks the joy out of Donald Trump. Nobody.   That includes you, Robert Gibbs, you talentless hack. Do you even have a job? Obama fired you. That must make you feel real good, huh, being fired by a man who has the singular lack of class to call Donald Trump a carnival barker. Real classy, huh? And you weren't good enough for him. You dare say 'Donald Trump said he'd release his tax returns as soon as the president released his birth certificate, so the ball is in his court now, and I know everybody is anxious to see his tax returns over the last 10 years'. You dare say that to me? I said I might release my tax records when Obama released his birth certificate. Might, get it, might. I just bet a sore loser like you would like to see me release my tax records. Well, you will see them and you will be very impressed and very envious but you will see them at a time and place of my choosing and until then back the hell off.   I'll tell you who else needs to back the hell off, that insufferable little twerp Rand Paul. You're only famous because of your father, kid, if it weren't for him you'd be a nobody. Nobody, get it, nobody. Donald Trump didn't get where he is today because of his daddy, it's all hard work and intelligence. I'm watching FOX News this morning, trying to relax a little after a hard day in which I accomplished something that nobody else has been able to do, and I see this loser Rand Paul come on at some little breakfast meeting - It's not even a rally, it's that pathetic - and he says he wants to see the original long-form certificate of Donald Trump's Republican registration, because, I suppose, in his insignificant opinion, I'm not a real Republican. He says he's not going to believe it until he sees the embossed seal to my Republican registration. These are not the words of an educated man. He does not sound like an educated man. Donald Trump is an educated man and I'm here to tell you I know that there isn't an embossed seal on my Republican registration so back the hell off.   Rand Paul is not the only idiot I saw on FOX News either, I am very sad to say. I'm watching the O'Reilly show last night and Krauthammer was on, and I'm like okay, I know they're going to be talking about me. And I'm expecting good things because of my extraordinary accomplishment that day. Plus I figure Krauthammer owes me. A few days ago he did something totally uncalled for. He said Donald Trump was the Al Sharpton of the right. How was I supposed to react? Wrong. I was very civil. I called the man up and had a nice conversation. Very civil. I figured sometimes he gets out of sorts because he's a cripple, he has to be wheeled around, I figure I can make an allowance for one nonsensical outburst. Sure enough, they get to Donald Trump - topic one - but instead of talking about my unbelievable accomplishment, Krauthammer starts talking about my so-called 'nutty' ideas. He has the unmitigated gall to say that my ideas sound like the 'kind of stuff you expect at a guy at a bar in closing time with slurred speech'. That isn't even grammatical. What a sad, pathetic man, the sort of parasite who talks about me in the vain hope some of my fame will rub off on him. The sort of bars I go to are very refined and Krauthammer can't even go to a bar unless someone wheels him so my advice would be for him is shut your uneducated mouth and back the hell off.

Mister Charisma

The most obnoxious man in America managed to get even more boorish yesterday, revealing in an interview with the Associated Press that he had learned a new trick.   "I get tired of hearing you people in the press calling me a one trick pony, all because I've brought renewed scrutiny to the illegal alien in the oval office," said the bloated sphincter. "I have more people that are excited about the fact that I reinvigorated this whole issue. You like excitement? I like excitement. Who the hell doesn't like excitement? I'll tell you who the hell doesn't like excitement - no-drama Obama. I'm his worst nightmare. Believe me, I'm the last guy he wants to run against. Why the hell would he want to run against me? He wouldn't. I just told you that."   Always the showman, Trump would not reveal his new trick until right before the end of the interview.   "I'll tell you when that is, okay? You won't tell me. Got that? It could be two minutes for all you know. I'm a very busy man, but rest assured, you will leave here today with an exciting new revelation, okay?"   "You know what's exciting? My television show. I'm quite certain you already know that, but I'm stating it again for the record. For your sake, I hope you watched 'Celebrity Apprentice' this week. Very exciting. Not just because I made Latoya Jackson cry, although that was exciting in and of itself. No, the most exciting part was right before the end of the show. See, a television show is much like an interview - you want to keep the most exciting part for the very end. So I waited until the very end of Sunday's episode before I asked the remaining celebrities who was going to vote for me for president. Meatloaf and Star Jones immediately jumped out of their chairs and said not only would they vote for me, they would work for my campaign. For free. And then I asked if there was anyone there who wouldn't vote for me. You know, turn the question around, maybe catch someone off guard. You know how many raised their hands. None. Not one of the celebrities said they would not vote for me. Of course, anybody that raised their hand would immediately be fired because they're stupid."   "You think Obama can create that kind of excitement? No, Obama cannot create that kind of excitement. Next question. No wait, I already know the next question. The two things you reporter types always want to ask me is where Obama's birth certificate is, and how much money I have. Stay tuned. If I run for office, you are going to know exactly what I'm worth. You're going to know where the banks are, how much I have in the bank. I built a very big net worth and I'd like to put that ability ... to work for this country..."   Trump's answer to the asset question went on for twenty three minutes, and ended with the line "I have built a company that has very little debt, has a lot of cash and I have one of the best locations anywhere in the United States." At this point, Trump tapped on his watch, cleared his throat, and said "This is it, the exciting ending."   "As you know, I've been having Obama checked out, and not just his birth certificate scam either. Very interesting stuff I'm finding. I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How bad? We don't know. He's never released his transcripts. Now let me ask you a question. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard? Don't answer that, I know what you're going to say - affirmative action. I believe there's more to it than that. I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records. I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can't get into Harvard." "That's all the time I have for you. Just remember one thing. We don't know a thing about this guy. There are a lot of questions that are unanswered about our president."

new terror alert system

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced the new Terror Alert system to go into effect immediately. It has three levels - elevated, imminent, and in a novel idea, none. Threats with a specific level of intelligence will come with information specific to certain places, certain sectors such as commercial aviation or hotels, or could detail specific terrorist tactics, trends, or behavior that the public should be aware, and they will be accompanied with copious PowerPoint charts. "Why is this President so compelled to muck with things that aren't broken?" whined former presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on the Sean Hannity show. "Bush put in a great system. All you had to do was look at a color. I don't have time for this. I can't even make it through the first chart; it just looks like a plate of spaghetti. What do you think, Donald?"   "I think the media needs to investigate the..."   "She asked me, Hannity," responded current Republican pet rock Donald Trump. "I'll tell you precisely what I think of this system, Sarah. It really grills my cheese is what it does. I don't have any trouble reading the charts because I'm a very successful businessman and reading PowerPoint charts is an occupational hazard. But you know who else won't have any trouble reading these charts?"   "Who, Donald?"   "I'll tell you precisely who won't have any trouble reading these charts, Sarah. Islamic terrorists. al-Qaeda. Enemies of this country who want to do us harm."   "It's like Obama is trying to..."   "Hush, Sean. It's like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy."   "I was going to say that..."   "I'm trying to speak now, Hannity. It's precisely like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy, Sarah. This stuff should be on a need to know basis, not out there available to every Tom, Dick and Osama."   "With the strong Republican majority we've got in the House..."   "Sean, if we're going to appear on your show, you need to learn not to talk over us. We need to use our strong Republican majority in the House to repeal this system and repeal this president."   "That's the insidious thing. Congress doesn't get to vote on..."   "Will you put a sock in it, Hannity?"

Sunday with Donald

Donald Trump today extended his moment of being taken seriously by people who should know better, appearing on CNN's 'State of the Union' where he told host Candy Crowley that he would convince OPEC to lower prices through the sheer power of his will. (A move that would be unnecessary if was already president since his stated objective would have been to invade Libya and take their oil.)   "We need one thing," he explained. "Brainpower. Frankly I'm the only one running for president who has the sort of intellectual firepower to be able to go to the Middle East and bring home the bacon. Most of those guys over there don't even eat bacon so there's no good reason for them not to give it to me at whatever price I demand. And they should be happy that I was willing to take it, because if I was to start an oil company, they be out of business in a heartbeat."   Later in the show, Trump gratuitously ridiculed Mitt Romney by calling him a 'small businessman' who had never created a mighty empire like he had. "He was a funds guy. He walked away with some money from a very good company that he didn't create. He worked there. He didn't create it." Having thoroughly exhausted the Mitt topic, Trump then returned to his own unbelievably massive holdings, saying that if he were to grace us with his candidacy, everyone would then see "how big my company is, because it's much bigger and much more powerful and much stronger than anyone really knows."   Crowley was largely unmoved by Trumps braggadocio, but did appear taken aback at one point when Trump claimed to have 'John Dillinger's enormous dong'. "You look at me funny when I say that and I can tell exactly what you're thinking. Exactly. It's a skill that I learned as a businessman and one completely absent in President Obama. To be fair, it's also lacking in everybody who's thinking about running against him as well, so it's not like he's been at a disadvantage. Up until now. But to answer your question, what you're thinking is 'Is Donald Trump saying that he's hung like John Dillinger?' My answer is no, I am not. Frankly I'm a lot better endowed than that. A lot better. What I mean is that I own Dillinger's enormous dong. I bought it from the Smithsonian and of course it's in a glass of formaldehyde on my coffee table. It's the biggest and best conversation piece in New York City."