Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mister Charisma

The most obnoxious man in America managed to get even more boorish yesterday, revealing in an interview with the Associated Press that he had learned a new trick.
"I get tired of hearing you people in the press calling me a one trick pony, all because I've brought renewed scrutiny to the illegal alien in the oval office," said the bloated sphincter. "I have more people that are excited about the fact that I reinvigorated this whole issue. You like excitement? I like excitement. Who the hell doesn't like excitement? I'll tell you who the hell doesn't like excitement - no-drama Obama. I'm his worst nightmare. Believe me, I'm the last guy he wants to run against. Why the hell would he want to run against me? He wouldn't. I just told you that."
Always the showman, Trump would not reveal his new trick until right before the end of the interview.
"I'll tell you when that is, okay? You won't tell me. Got that? It could be two minutes for all you know. I'm a very busy man, but rest assured, you will leave here today with an exciting new revelation, okay?"
"You know what's exciting? My television show. I'm quite certain you already know that, but I'm stating it again for the record. For your sake, I hope you watched 'Celebrity Apprentice' this week. Very exciting. Not just because I made Latoya Jackson cry, although that was exciting in and of itself. No, the most exciting part was right before the end of the show. See, a television show is much like an interview - you want to keep the most exciting part for the very end. So I waited until the very end of Sunday's episode before I asked the remaining celebrities who was going to vote for me for president. Meatloaf and Star Jones immediately jumped out of their chairs and said not only would they vote for me, they would work for my campaign. For free. And then I asked if there was anyone there who wouldn't vote for me. You know, turn the question around, maybe catch someone off guard. You know how many raised their hands. None. Not one of the celebrities said they would not vote for me. Of course, anybody that raised their hand would immediately be fired because they're stupid."
"You think Obama can create that kind of excitement? No, Obama cannot create that kind of excitement. Next question. No wait, I already know the next question. The two things you reporter types always want to ask me is where Obama's birth certificate is, and how much money I have. Stay tuned. If I run for office, you are going to know exactly what I'm worth. You're going to know where the banks are, how much I have in the bank. I built a very big net worth and I'd like to put that ability ... to work for this country..."
Trump's answer to the asset question went on for twenty three minutes, and ended with the line "I have built a company that has very little debt, has a lot of cash and I have one of the best locations anywhere in the United States." At this point, Trump tapped on his watch, cleared his throat, and said "This is it, the exciting ending."
"As you know, I've been having Obama checked out, and not just his birth certificate scam either. Very interesting stuff I'm finding. I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How bad? We don't know. He's never released his transcripts. Now let me ask you a question. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard? Don't answer that, I know what you're going to say - affirmative action. I believe there's more to it than that. I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records. I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can't get into Harvard."

"That's all the time I have for you. Just remember one thing. We don't know a thing about this guy. There are a lot of questions that are unanswered about our president."


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  2. Damn, am I going to have to watch Celebrity Apprentice to see if he had the gumption to refer to running for president on it? Did he?