Tuesday, May 3, 2011

teed off

"...so obviously as you can tell from the young and attractive Mrs. Trump, as well as the previous two no-longer-young Mrs. Trumps, I am a strong believer in marriage. And I mean traditional marriage, one wife at a time. Now take your gay marriages - It’s like in golf. A lot of people - I don’t want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist."
"So you're saying that you don't have a long putter?"
"A long putter? Don't make me laugh. And don't think I don't know exactly what you're trying to do with that question. That's a double entendre if I've ever heard one."
"No, not really. I do write for Pro Golf Talk and that's just something I thought the readers would want to know."
"Okay, then. No, I don't have a long putter."
"Bwah ha ha ha ha... Excuse me. Let's talk about President Obama's hole in one. How do you feel about the fact that the United States has finally managed to kill Osama bin Laden?"
"Obviously I feel very good about it. The man fucked with my city. Made a mess out of it. I've already congratulated President Obama for handling things the way Donald Trump would handle them. As a reward, I'm giving him 48 hours where I won't talk about the many other ways that he doesn't measure up to me."
"Some would say that in actuality you're pulling back because in the light of recent events you are no longer relevant. Republican strategist Mike Murphy..."
"Never heard of the man."
"He's well known in the golf world. Shoots with a +2 handicap. Murphy says you never felt more over with and that maybe now the market for clown candidates will diminish."
"He called me a clown candidate? I'd like to wrap a nine iron around his head. I'll remember that name and make sure he never plays a round on one of my courses again, and I have the very finest golf courses in the country. Let me tell you something - I deserve a couple of days to just relax, play a little golf and assess my situation. Less than a week ago I single-handedly forced Obama to reveal his birth certificate. And don't ask me about that. I get sick of you reporters continually asking me about the president's birth certificate."
"I wasn't going to."
"Good. You're learning. So after I forced Obama to show his birth certificate, I was not prepared for him to retaliate with the full force of the government. On Saturday I was invited to a nice dinner in Washington, and Obama used the bully pulpit of his presidency to attempt to ridicule me in front of the entire room. How pathetic for him. Everybody thought it was pathetic and they were laughing out of sympathy for me. Not that I need anyone's sympathy. And then on Sunday, he chooses to make his announcement about Bin Laden right during the last thirty minutes of  'Celebrity Apprentice'. He could have easily waited until the morning but apparently the idea was to disrupt my show. He can expect a very large lawsuit. Very large. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to finish playing. Any last question?"
"Just a short one, like your putter. Do you have a stiff driver?"


  1. Wood. Shaft. Head. Hole. Ball. Stroke. Is there anything about golf that isn't a secret code about sex?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.