Wednesday, April 20, 2011

new terror alert system

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced the new Terror Alert system to go into effect immediately. It has three levels - elevated, imminent, and in a novel idea, none. Threats with a specific level of intelligence will come with information specific to certain places, certain sectors such as commercial aviation or hotels, or could detail specific terrorist tactics, trends, or behavior that the public should be aware, and they will be accompanied with copious PowerPoint charts.

"Why is this President so compelled to muck with things that aren't broken?" whined former presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on the Sean Hannity show. "Bush put in a great system. All you had to do was look at a color. I don't have time for this. I can't even make it through the first chart; it just looks like a plate of spaghetti. What do you think, Donald?"
"I think the media needs to investigate the..."
"She asked me, Hannity," responded current Republican pet rock Donald Trump. "I'll tell you precisely what I think of this system, Sarah. It really grills my cheese is what it does. I don't have any trouble reading the charts because I'm a very successful businessman and reading PowerPoint charts is an occupational hazard. But you know who else won't have any trouble reading these charts?"
"Who, Donald?"
"I'll tell you precisely who won't have any trouble reading these charts, Sarah. Islamic terrorists. al-Qaeda. Enemies of this country who want to do us harm."
"It's like Obama is trying to..."
"Hush, Sean. It's like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy."
"I was going to say that..."
"I'm trying to speak now, Hannity. It's precisely like Obama is trying to undermine our security by revealing secret information to the enemy, Sarah. This stuff should be on a need to know basis, not out there available to every Tom, Dick and Osama."
"With the strong Republican majority we've got in the House..."
"Sean, if we're going to appear on your show, you need to learn not to talk over us. We need to use our strong Republican majority in the House to repeal this system and repeal this president."
"That's the insidious thing. Congress doesn't get to vote on..."
"Will you put a sock in it, Hannity?"

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