| "...and like pretty much every other day, we have Donald Trump on the 'FOX and Friends' hotline ready to offer us his take on the events of the day." |
"I think he's really starting to abuse our hotline, Gretchen. I know you told him a few months ago to call in anytime, but he really is starting to make this..."
"Who is that - Doocy? I don't want to hear Doocy shooting his mouth off when I appear on the show."
"Mister Trump, good morning. Nice to hear from you again. You were right, by the way, that was Doocy shooting his mouth off."
"Well, tell him to keep it shut when I do the show."
"Keep it shut when Mister Trump does the show, Doocy."
"He doesn't really do the show, Gretchen, he just has one of his apprentices call us up on the phone whenever he feels like it and we stick his picture up on the screen..."
"Steve! He's our guest!"
"Not really, Gretchen. A real guest doesn't show up anytime they choose just for the sake of cheap publicity."
"You know, it would be very easy for me to just start calling up Good Morning America, so I would advise you to silence Doocy with all due haste."
"I know you can, Mister Trump. I'm very sorry."
"That's all right, Gretchen, not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to hire and fire our own co-workers. The reason I'm calling in this morning is to promote my upcoming debate on the Ion network. There was a lot of speculation that I might cancel it just because a couple of the candidate are too cowardly to appear. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I'm making lemonade."
"They always say that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade."
"Who the hell said that? Was that Doocy?"
"No, Mister Trump, that was me, Brian Kilmeade."
"All right, Brian Kilmeade, I will assume you meant no harm with your remark, but I would suggest that you emulate Doocy in trying to maintain a respectful silence. Life does not give lemons to Donald Trump. I just thought that lemonade would be a nice change from the water served at most debates."
"It sounds like a very interesting affair, and I know that I'll be watching, but how do you feel about the candidates that refused to attend?"
"Very good question, Gretchen, but I don't want anyone to think that my support or lack thereof for a candidate is in any way dependent on their attendance. Obviously I would never support a nonentity like Huntsman or an insane person like Ron Paul, so I don't mind their absence at all. Now Michele Bachmann is a different story entirely. She sought out my counsel relentlessly and even said that if she won the nomination that she wanted me to be her vice president. I found the idea totally ludicrous."
"The idea that she might win?"
"That, and the idea that I would accept the second slot. That's pathetic. And speaking of pathetic, let's talk Rick Perry. The man is obviously a coward, and I think he proved that again at the ABC debate on Saturday."
"By refusing to accept Mitt Romney's $10,000 bet. Where's the courage of his convictions? If Perry thought he was in the right he should have taken that bet and raised it."
"Exactly. I must say that did give me a new respect for Romney, though. I like the man. He's a really nice guy,. but his numbers have gone down very substantially since he said 'no', and a lot people think it's because it showed a lack of decisiveness or a lack of courage in going into this debate."
"Sealed his own fate."
"Exactly, Gretchen. But none of this makes any difference. Newt and I may just do a chat."
"And Rick Santorum. He gets a seat at the table, doesn't he?"
"He had the courage to RSVP and Donald Trump is a man who honors his commitments. So yes, he gets a seat, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to let him speak."
"So, uh, just you and Newt. That sounds a little..."
"A little slow? Not on your life, Gretchen. Newt and I may be the only real candidates, but you should know that I understand how to put on a good show. Every significant candidate will be represented at my debate. For example, Rick Perry will be portrayed by the fine actor Josh Brolin."
"That's good casting."
"Thank you, Gretchen. You're an excellent host. Josh said that he wasn't all that familiar with Perry, but I told him not to worry and just play the same character as he did in 'W' and nobody will notice the difference. I've got Paul Reubens - you know, Pee Wee Herman - to play Ron Paul. I just hope he'll be wacky enough. For John Huntsman, we've got nothing. The man is a nonentity. And you'll love this, Greta. For Michele Bachmann we've got Marilyn Manson."
"Without make-up, they're almost identical. It's amazing."
"All right. What about Mitt Romney?"
"We just hired some model from the Land's End catalogue. Oh yes, one more big name. In the Herman Cain chair we've got Herman Cain. Hey, he RSVPed, what could I do? Plus, he didn't say he was ending his campaign, he just said he was suspending it."
"All right, sounds great. I'll be watching."
"You and about thirty million others, Gretchen."