Rudy strikes out

"OWWWWW! My balls! Ahrooo! Oh, Jesus, that's a pain that's going to linger."   "Mr Giuliani, are you okay?"   "Could be better, little Suzie. Do you know if we have any scotch in the first aid kit?"   "I don't think so... Neosporin... Band-aids... Heart defibrillator... Aspirin... No, no scotch. I'm sorry, Mr Giuliani, I threw the ball pretty slowly... I was trying to hit your bat, just like you said."   "Well, you hit my bat, alright. Struck it right out."    "I'm sorry... But it's only a wiffle ball..."   "I know, but it still stung like a sonofabitch... I guess it's about time that I finally hung up my dream of playing third base with the New York Yankees."   "I don't know what to say."    "There's not a lot that you can say. It's tough to watch a dream die. Believe me, I know that better than anyone. Four years ago I had to give up my dream of being president..."   "That must have been really tough. But it was probably a good decision. You didn't have any delegates."   "Delegates, shmelegates... Then I had to give up my dream of being governor of New York..."   "I thought you told me that was a business decision. You never even declared."   "Yeah, but I would have made a heck of a governor. And now... I guess... it's time for me to give up my dream of jumping in this year at the last moment and capturing the Republican nomination. Once again... Sad, isn't it?"   "A little bit sad. For you, anyway. And for me. I don't guess this would be a good time for me to ask for a raise, would it?"   "No, Suzan. It would not."    "It's never a good time for you is it, you old fart."   "What's that, Suzan? You know I have trouble understanding you when you mumble."   "I said, maybe later when the economy picks up."   "Right, just like I told you last year. Now come on, throw me a couple more balls and we'll get back to the office. Hey, would you like to try a few pitches with the hardball?"   "You bet I would."

Rudy and Mahmoud express displeasure with new nuclear policy

The man known as 'America's Mayor' and the man known as 'The Handsomest Guy in Iran' found themselves surprisingly in agreement today as they appeared together via live video on the FOX News 'Your World with Neil Cavuto' to debate the topic of President Obama's nuclear weapons plan. Although coming from two different directions, they both agreed that the new strategy was both inept and insane. "President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs, and have peace symbols," Giuliani said. "North Korea and Iran are not singing along with the president. Knowing that, it just doesn’t make sense why we would reduce our nuclear arms when we face these threats." "In truth, the people of Iran know very few American songs," replied Ahmadinejad, "but I totally agree that holding hands should be discouraged in public. But you know, Mayor Giuliani, American materialist politicians, whenever they are beaten by logic, immediately resort to their weapons like cowboys." "Cowboys? More like hooligans if you ask me. As mayor, I fought for tougher gun control laws, and they brought down crime dramatically. On the other hand, Barack Obama has taken so many steps backward in dealing with national security. Don't you think, President Ahmadinejad, that Obama just doesn't understand the concept of leverage?" "Indeed I do, Mayor Giuliani. If I could speak to him right now I would say 'Mr. Obama, you are a newcomer to politics. Wait until your sweat dries and get some experience. Be careful not to read just any paper put in front of you or repeat any statement recommended'." "Absolutely, Mr President. I worked for a president, Ronald Reagan, who understood that brilliantly, and that’s how he won the Cold War. You need to appear to be unpredictable. Reagan’s State Department understood that you need to create pressure, to create something they’re afraid of. Tell me where Obama has done that." "I can't tell you, Mayor Giuliani, because Iran is not afraid of some paper tiger who is under the pressure of capitalists and the Zionists. He couldn't do a damn thing." "Well, he couldn't do a damn thing right, I'll grant you that. Say, do you mind if I call you Mahmoud?" "Not at all, Rudy. You know I like the philosophy of Ronald Reagan you just brought up, that you need to create something people are afraid of. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the man I work for, follows much the same philosophy." "I'll tell you straight, Mahmoud, a nuclear-free world has been a 60-year dream of the Left, just like socialized health-care." "Yes, it is a foolish dream to think that Iran would willingly give up our nuclear destiny." "Don't let the bastards get you down, Mahmoud. This is an administration in a state of confusion about how to deal with terrorism. They’re out of control. It’s not inconsequential how the president dithers over so many issues, yet when it comes to dealing with Israel, one of our strongest allies, he doesn’t show much ambiguity." "That is a certainty, Rudy. He always greets Israel with the sort of hugs and kisses a mother would offer a child." "Are you kidding? With Israel, he has been extremely hostile." "Sorry, Rudy, I forgot that you don't hate the Jews." "No apology needed, Mahmoud, I forgot that you do. But with everything else we have in common, let's just agree to disagree on that one."

Rudy not running, not running away

America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who today seemed to come face to face with the realization that he would probably never surpass his bold accomplishment of scaring Osama bin Laden the hell away from New York City forever, has stunned the political world by declaring that he will neither run for the Senate in 2010 nor run for Governor of New York, two jobs for which he was imminently qualified, and would have undoubtedly been the front runner had he chosen to enter the race. "Sorry New York, but there are smaller men with smaller dreams, and God willing, they shall serve you well," said the Brooklyn native son, whose mother was an Italian immigrant, and whose father was the demigod Gilgamesh, builder of the fabled walls of Uruk. Giuliani, who has never before dropped out of two political races in a single day, made it clear that his decision was not part of a trend, but said that he's only interested in 'the big jobs'. "Me, I'm going to be in Brazil. You know, they call me America's Mayor, but truth be told, I haven't really earned that title. I've only saved North America, and as my father taught me, for every North there is a South. Brazil is a part of that South, and Rio de Janeiro is a part of that Brazil, the very part that will be hosting the 2016 Olympics, a tempting terrorist target if I ever saw one. My security firm, 'Giuliani Partners LLC', is handling that particular piece of business, and you better believe that it will be taken care of. I'm thinking of building giant walls."