Mister Unpopularity

Graphic created via Fakeposters.com   Once the magic fades away, it's usually gone for good, and there's just no bringing it back as Vanilla Ice would indisputably tell you. Oh sure, a few diehard fans sometimes remain, and after a decade or so you might even get lucky enough to score a home renovation show on some third-rate basic cable reality network, but you know what they say about the moving finger - it writes, and having writ moves on, perhaps flashing you the bird on the way out as an afterthought.   With a job approval rating of only 43% with just fourteen months to go before the 2012 elections, Barack Obama now has the lowest approval ever registered by any president in the past fifty years except for Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H W Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W Bush.   "I kinda feel sorry for the poor fella. I can't help myself, I'm a compassionate human bean," says current Republican frontrunner Rick Perry. "If I was him, I'd probably be thinking bout takin a long walk off of a short pier, not that I mean to offer unchristian-like advice. Just sayin, that's all. I mean, look, they call me 'Governor Goodhair', and even though I'm not crazy about that moniker, it's kind of a compliment in a way. Reagan they called 'The Gipper', the first Bush was 'Poppy', and even Clinton was called 'Slick Willie'. This poor guy has been in office near three years, and he doesn't even have a nickname, unless you count 'The Socialist'."   "A presidency is like a marriage, don't you think," Sarah Palin today asked a still smitten Sean Hannity (who answered in the affirmative). "In this case it's a really bad marriage, and this Mama Grizzly told the American people that it was no way going to work out, but oh no they wouldn't listen and they woke up the next morning with their hope hangover to find themselves in a loveless relationship that they can't get out of and so they're forced to just stay in the same house for four years exchanging harsh words and nasty glances, and that's no way to be."   "I hate to disagree with my good friend Sarah Palin," lied Michele Bachmann, "but a presidency is not like a marriage at all. God wants us to work out our relationships for the good of the children, and that would mean making sure Barack Obama was not a one term president. No, a presidency is more like a cell phone contract where you don't like the service, but when you try to end it they say 'I'm sorry, Mrs Bachmann, you've still got fourteen months left on this contract'. And you say 'well, I don't care, I want to cancel it anyway', and they say 'We'll be glad to cancel it but you'll still have to pay'. So you just throw your hands up in the air and realize you're stuck with the blasted phone for the next fourteen months."   President Obama is not commenting on the latest polls, but an aide close to the White House revealed that he has taken the unusual step of joining Match.com.   "The President is cognizant of his current situation," the loose lipped aide explained. "He's found out for himself how lonely it is at the top when you're unpopular. But with over twenty million members at Match.com, he's very confident that he'll be able to find a new constituency out there somewhere."

Vacation Comix

Whoa! Did you see that shot, Reggie?

Sure did, boss. You really knocked the hell out of that one. You know, the green is just about sixty yards up ahead...

You didn't happen to see where my ball went, did you?

I'm not sure, but it looked like it blew right off of the island.

Huh. The wind must have picked it up. Guess I'd better go with a three iron.

Yeah, whatever... Uh oh, here comes the man.

Mister President, I believe it's imperative that you get off of Martha's Vineyard right away. It's starting to get pretty grim outside.

Eh, it's not that bad. I've still got the wind at my back for the next two holes, and then we can skip ahead to the ninth.

It's my job to ensure your safety, sir. I'm going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure.

You're a good man, Agent Smith, but nobody's going to make me leave this island until my vacation is over.

We're going to have to insist that you prepare for immediate departure, Mister President.

Read my lips - No. Negatori. Nyet. Not gonna happen.

We were afraid this might happen, and so we brought someone who might be able to convince you to cooperate.

Barack, for God's sake, listen to Agent Smith. We've got to leave right away. There's a hurricane coming.

Aww, honey, just think of how disappointed the kids would be...

Sasha is hiding under the bed and Malia is just sitting at the kitchen table rocking back and forth.

You know what you should do? Take them down to Martin Square for an ice cream cone.

I can see that we're going to have to use the secret weapon. Send in the Veep.

I'm sorry, boss. The jig is up. We've got Copter 1 waiting - you're going to have to leave.

Joe, Joe, think of what you're saying. If I leave Martha's Vineyard, the terrorists will have won.

You mean the Republican terrorists that didn't want you to take a vacation? Forget about them. This could be the biggest thing to hit the east coast in decades and you need to be back in Washington.

But the... the presidency travels with me. I can do everything here that I could back there.

Not if your communications network is knocked out, you can't. Now let's go. There will be other vacations in the future.

Boss, the wind just blew your hat halfway down the fairway. Want me to see if someone can catch it?

Nah, Reggie, why even bother?

renewed resolve

"As Bob Dylan once sang 'Better stay away from those that carry round a fire hose. Keep a clean nose, watch the plain clothes - You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows'. Today he would probably amend that with 'you don't need a rating agency to tell you we need a balanced, long-term approach to deficit reduction:' That was true last week, that was true last year, that was true the day Dylan first sang it. You don't need a rating agency to tell you that the gridlock in Washington over the last several months has not been constructive to say the least. And you don't need a rating agency to tell you that the pump don't work cause the vandals took the handles."   "I realize that after what we just went through, some might feel skepticism that Republicans and Democrats will be able to reach a compromise. My hope is that Friday's news from the mighty S&P gods will give us a renewed sense of urgency. That's my hope, but as Sarah Palin so astutely pointed out, that hopey changey thing isn't working out all that well for me."   "So it's not a lack of plans or policies that are the problem here, it's a lack of political will in Washington. It's the insistence on drawing lines in the sand – a refusal to put what's best for the country ahead of narrow self-interest or party or ideology. And that's what we need to change. But you know, I don't think we're going to be able to change that at a time when the main goal of the Republicans is to defeat me in the next election. That's why I've decided to sit this one out."   "It is without a doubt late in the day to decide that I'm not going to run for reelection. Members of my own party might argue that they won't have time to launch a viable campaign, but there are still five months before the first primary, so it's not completely hopeless. Some of my GOP critics will probably celebrate, saying this gives them a lock on the 2012 elections. Be that as it may, I think this move will clearly signal just how serious I am about rescuing this country's financial fundamentals and finally putting people back to work. This is my grand compromise, and I call on Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell and particularly John Boehner to make the same pledge to assure America that we are giving our full effort to finding solutions. I would call on Harry Reid to do the same, but seeing as he's not up for reelection next year, I realize that it would be a futile gesture."   "With the obstacle of our incumbency removed, we shall now be able to concentrate on negotiation intensely and exhaustively. We will negotiate the issues that face us daily, every day from now until November 2012 if necessary. Weekends, too, with only Christmas and Thanksgiving off. If one of us becomes ill, we will negotiate at the hospital, and if something arises that requires the president's attention, we've always got Joe. I am setting aside living quarters in the White House for when sleepovers prove necessary, and I intend to..."   "Speaker Boehner, Mister Blankfein will see you now... Speaker Boehner? Are you okay?"   "Oh, fine, Mary. I just kind of dozed off there while listening to Obama's remarks."   "Sweet dreams, I hope."   "No, Mary, it was more like a nightmare."

crash

"Hello... Hello? Anybody on the line?"   "...sigh... Good afternoon, Mister President, this is Speaker Boehner... sigh."   "Oh, hi John. What's up? Calling to tell me how anxious you are to do some more negotiating? Ready to take another hostage?"   "...sigh... No..."   "I'll bet you're calling to rib me about getting old, aren't you? Yeah, I hit the big 5-0 today."   "Well, I hit the big 6-0 a couple of years ago, so 50 doesn't sound that bad to me right now...sigh...I guess..."   "What's the matter, John? You're off for a month, I thought you'd be out and about, hitting the links. Aren't you enjoying vacation?"   "I'm not all  that big on vacations... sigh... We've got a real problem, Mister President."   "We've got a lot of real problems. Any one in particular?"    "Surely you must be toying with me... The market...it's really tanking."   "I know, it's brutal. Five hundred points today, a thousand over the past couple weeks. Part of it's a natural correction, but it's really being exacerbated by the mess in Europe. Then of course there's your consumer deleveraging, global commodity pricing, the overheating in China, and a new natural disaster or crisis nearly every week. But just try explaining that to people."   "Our friends on Wall Street...sigh...they're telling me to do something about it."   "They are? Well whatcha gonna do, John?"   "I'm calling you."   "Oh? You know there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I don't have a magic wand."   "I was kind of hoping you did..."   "Well, I don't. What would you do if you were president?"   "I always find tax breaks are a good confidence builder..."   "Uh huh..."   "Our friends on Wall Street really really like them, but I suppose that you wouldn't be interested, would you? Not even for the good of the country."   "Not really."   "Maybe you could go on the TV, give a little pep talk..."   "John, I'm trying to enjoy my birthday right now."    "I know you also enjoy going on television, and this evening would be an idea time. I'm sure the networks would okay it."   "I've got a lot of friends here waiting for me..."   "You could tell the people to go back to their normal investing. You know, like after 9/11, when Bush told everyone to just carry on with their normal behavior."   "Of course nobody did. Oh man, you should smell the chicken."   "What is that? Some sort of weird metaphor?"   "They're grilling chicken outside, John."   "So I'm supposed to tell our friends on Wall Street that Obama grilled chicken while the market burned?"   "Yes, tell them that... I gotta go, John. I just heard a burger calling my name."   "Okay...sigh...Well... happy birthday..."

the art of the deal

Look, if no one has any new ideas, we're going to go through all of the old options again and find something we can work with. I don't want to get up on Monday and watch the market drop 800 points or more.

Nobody wants to see the market plunge, but regrettably, such is their nature in circumstances such as these.

I'm reminded of a poem... There was this thing that couldn't be done, and everybody knew it, so I tackled the thing that couldn't be done, and by god I couldn't do it.

That's a real good poem, Harry.

I don't even know why I'm here....

You're here to help us reach a consensus, Nancy. We're almost out of time to keep the country from plunging into crisis.

I would suggest that we are already out of time, Mister President. You said as much last night. The Senate can't even name a post office in ten days.

There probably won't even be a post office much longer...

I remember how much my daddy used to love hanging out at the post office...

Focus people. We need a solution that is palatable to both parties

Well, we can't raise taxes and we can't cut benefits and we can't hurt the military and there's not enough money anywhere else... We used to be able to do things in the Senate, but I guess those days are gone.

The Tea Party has made it impossible for me to pass anything in the House now, no matter how much you put on the table. Sorry Mister President, they just really want default.

You know, we do have a lot of gold that's just sitting around getting dusty at Fort Knox.

And of course there's our strategic oil reserves.

Oh Lord...

Sell all our pretty things. Our national parks, our public lands...

We could sell the naming rights to our military bases and government buildings...

Why half-step, Harry? Sell the buildings and bases outright.

You all are going to give me no other option than to use the fourteenth amendment, aren't you? You're going to force me to tell Treasury to keep paying the bills irregardless.

I wish you would...

Marvelous idea, Mister President. That will give us the opportunity to spend the next sixteen months talking about impeaching you.

Not as popular with my caucus as a default, but I think they'd go for it. Not that it matters. I guess our work here is done.

It's going to damage our credit and currency immeasurably, but at least it saves us from making a difficult decision. See you later, Mister President.

Bye bye, Mister President. I feel just terrible about this...

John, hang behind for just a minute.

Are you going to yell at me again?

No, I just wanted to bum one of your cigarettes.

Oh, sure thing, Mister President. Here, take the whole pack.