Rudy not running, not running away

America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who today seemed to come face to face with the realization that he would probably never surpass his bold accomplishment of scaring Osama bin Laden the hell away from New York City forever, has stunned the political world by declaring that he will neither run for the Senate in 2010 nor run for Governor of New York, two jobs for which he was imminently qualified, and would have undoubtedly been the front runner had he chosen to enter the race. "Sorry New York, but there are smaller men with smaller dreams, and God willing, they shall serve you well," said the Brooklyn native son, whose mother was an Italian immigrant, and whose father was the demigod Gilgamesh, builder of the fabled walls of Uruk. Giuliani, who has never before dropped out of two political races in a single day, made it clear that his decision was not part of a trend, but said that he's only interested in 'the big jobs'. "Me, I'm going to be in Brazil. You know, they call me America's Mayor, but truth be told, I haven't really earned that title. I've only saved North America, and as my father taught me, for every North there is a South. Brazil is a part of that South, and Rio de Janeiro is a part of that Brazil, the very part that will be hosting the 2016 Olympics, a tempting terrorist target if I ever saw one. My security firm, 'Giuliani Partners LLC', is handling that particular piece of business, and you better believe that it will be taken care of. I'm thinking of building giant walls."