Friday, January 29, 2010

Message from Osama

Osama bin Laden has released his second message within a week, this one focusing on, uh... global warming.

"Talk about climate change is not an ideological luxury but a reality," bin Laden said on the tape broadcast by Al Jazeera. "All of the industrialized countries, especially the big ones, bear responsibility for the global warming crisis. I swear to Allah, it is as hot as Hades here in my cave from early April on until late October, at which time a bone chilling cold sets in which has my teeth chattering like the sound of camel hooves racing across a floor of linoleum. With Mohamed as my witness, I tell you that the weather was never like this back when I was still in the castle."

bin Laden went on to praise dissident intellectual Noam Chomsky, who he said "was correct when he compared the U.S. policies to those of the Mafia," presumably because the Mafia is so well known for it's large carbon footprint.

"They are the true terrorists," bin Laden said in reference to America, "and therefore we should refrain from dealing in the U.S. dollar and should try to get rid of this currency as early as possible." He did add a caveat, asking that the dollar not be gotten rid of "until at least twelve weeks after the release of my new book, 'An Inconvenient Jihad', available in bookstores everywhere on February 16, as well as for pre-order."

"I shall bleed away the American dollars while the bleeding is good," he concluded, "and Allah willing, I shall finally have the requisite funds to air-condition my cave."

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