Saturday, January 30, 2010

piano man

The Republican National Committee, focusing on austerity at their boondoggle in Hawaii, has rejected a plan to require all new candidates to pass an ideological purity test in order to be eligible for campaign funding from the party. Instead, they have adopted a resolution "urging party leadership to carefully screen the records and statements of all candidates who profess to be Republicans," and double-check them for proper conservative compliance before denying them support.

"The important thing was to get rid of the P word but retain the intent," said Jim Bopp, the original sponsor of the purity resolution. "A purity test. Chairman Steel was right when he ridiculed me for calling it that. I guess it does sound kind of effeminate, pretentious and liberal. And like Senator Ensign told me, it's the kind of idea that's liable to turn around and bite us on the ass like an insane girlfriend. I mean, here we are in sunny Honolulu in January, partying on our contributors donations, so who the hell are we to judge? Glad you asked, we're the RNC, and if we don't let you in this disco then we don't have to worry about dancing with you. Like I said, the important thing was to drop the P word."

"No, man, the important thing was to make sure I wasn't the focus of attention," said RNC Chair Michael Steele. "Some of these jive turkeys came to Hawaii with the idea of trying to challenge my ass, and now I've got em all too discombobulated to even think about me. I've got them talking about purity and worrying about teabaggers and meanwhile I've got the margaritas flowing, baby, and I think I smell me a roasted pig."

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