trendsetter of the week

Michele Bachmann has proven to be quite the trendsetter with her decision to present an alternative State of the Union rebuttal speech. Bachmann, who has been frustrated in her attempts to infiltrate the GOP leadership, vowed that she would not be thwarted in her God given right to rebut the president.   "This is nothing personal against Paul," Bachmann claims, referring to GOP Budget Chairman Paul Ryan, who will be giving the official rebuttal. "But lets face it, the man is a bit of a dweeb, isn't he? I mean, I don't see founding father when I look at him, it's more like 'Happy Days'. Yeah, who was that kid Richie used to hang out with, Potsie?"   Although there are currently no plans for Bachmann's address to be televised, it will be streamed live from the Tea Party Express website - which is almost as good - and rebroadcast repeatedly for the next three days wherever Sean Hannity is available. "Just gather the whole family around the computer and get ready for what I guarantee will be the best speech of the evening," assures Bachmann. "I can be quite the fiery orator, and I feel the heat building. After Obama tries to feed you all his Socialist crap, and then you listen to Potsie drone on, you're going to need me. I probably shouldn't say that Paul drones on, because he does have some important stuff to say, but it is like having to eat you vegetables before you can have desert, which is me."   Reacting to the news that two House members were giving rebuttals, Senators Pat Toomey and Jim DeMint announced that they would be giving Tuesday rebuttals as well, with Toomey's being streamed from the Club for Growth website, while DeMint's will be broadcast on the NASCAR Network. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie also plans a rebuttal, to be streamed from the Domino's website, and Sarah Palin announced that she intends to tweet her rebuttal concurrently with the President's speech.

House GOP reflects on Health Care repeal

In what proved to be a surprisingly easy lift, House Republicans believe themselves to have banished Health Care from the national agenda this afternoon.   "It's, uh... okay," Tea Party caucus leader Michele Bachman said of the victory. "But... You know how sometimes you really anticipate something, like when you're a kid waiting for Christmas? And you're just waiting and waiting, imagining how great it's going to be, and when it finally arrives, it's kind of a disappointment. That's what repealing Health Care is like. I've got another two years in Congress ahead of me, and it's like I ate my desert before dinner, and I feel like I've already shot my load. I know that's a mixed metaphor, okay, but I guess I've got a lot of mixed feelings."   "Poor Michele. She really doesn't have a lot on her plate, so I can't fault her for going for the desert," empathized Rep Peter King. "Me, I've got my Muslim hearings coming up, and I'm probably going to enjoy immigration for a long time, but Health Care, yeah, that was a biggie. And it really should have been a bigger payday, too, but we didn't play our cards right. I mean, what sort of lobbyist is going to try and buy your vote if they already know which way you're going? Kind of a pyrrhic victory, if you ask me."    "How do I feel about having repealed Health Care?" echoed Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "Pretty good, I guess. Sometimes I wish that I could say that I was as happy as John Boehner. You should have seen him this afternoon; the man was blubbering like a baby. It would be kind of cute if it wasn't so disturbing."   "There's nothing disturbing about a man being happy," asserted Boehner. "Some people look at a glass and see it as half empty. I look at a glass and say let's drink. Here's a toast to a free market where nothing is free, least of all Health Care."   "I realize this repeal isn't going anywhere in the Senate," reflected Boehner. "Some might call this a meaningless gesture, but it means the world to me."

Czar Wars

Looking at all possible avenues to marginalize President Obama on their journey towards a Utopian 2012, Rep. Steve Scalise has come up with an exciting tactic that just might work. This week the Louisiana Republican introduced legislation that would get rid of all of Obama's 'czars' by defunding their offices.   "The sad fact is that no matter how hard we fight and vote against the President's agenda, there are still a lot of things that he can do through administrative orders, rewriting regulations, and so forth," said Scalise. "And it's these czars, or as Obama euphemistically calls them 'policy advisers', who make it possible for him to bypass the House's will. We can't legally fire the czars, so I say what the hey, let's just starve them out. Oh god, that's so cool. Obama will be at a friggin standstill, and GOP heaven will be visible on the horizon."   The only pothole on Scalise's road to glory is the fact that there is nobody who's officially designated as a czar, nor any definition of what the job description would be for one, seeing as how it's just a term the media uses so that they can say 'TARP czar' instead of the much more boring  'United States Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability'.   "I think we can all tell exactly who the czars are, definitions or not," sneered Scalise. "They're all the folks up there whispering in the president's ear that the Senate didn't get to vote on. It's a simple matter of transparency mumble mumble.  I tell you, I used to like me some czars back when President Bush called them that, cause you knew then the word was ironic, but with a Socialist in office, I don't think you can assume that anymore. I'm speaking for all the Republicans in the House who think Bush didn't need any czars either, we just didn't see the harm in it at the time. But that's the problem with presidential overreach; you let one guy established a precedent without taking into consideration what type of lunatic might win in the next election."   "In no way should this vote to defund be seen as some type of radical action by the House. Hell, we're only half of Congress, and if we dump the czars, the president's free to renominate them for confirmation by the Senate... if and when they feel like it. The House doesn't even get to vote, so I don't really have a dog in this fight other that the fact that I hate Obama and want to do anything in my power to help cripple him."

Steele runs again

Michael Steele has stunned the GOP political establishment by announcing that, contrary to conventional wisdom, he will once again run for Chairman of the Republican National Committee. Stunned is Politico's word of choice, not mine. Anyone who's been watching this guy knows he's tenacious as the Taliban with an ego as big as all outdoors. The fact that nobody seems to want him around is not a factor, nor is the fact that five other people are challenging him for the job, including his own general counsel. And if he's in it, he's in it to win it.   "Critics are talking a lot of trash about fundraising and talking a lot of smack about major donors," Steele told puzzled RNC members in a conference call, most of whom had no idea what talking smack meant. Referring to his record of alienating nearly everyone in his party, Steele humbly admitted "Yes, I have stumbled along the way, but have always accounted to you for such shortcomings. No excuses. No lies. No hidden agenda." In other words, no known cover-ups. Then, perhaps in an effort to suggest that it could make for some mighty ugly PR to not re-elect the highest profile African American in the Republican Party, he added "Who you elect as our next Chairman will speak volumes about our willingness to truly be the party of Lincoln." And then he ran off to do the Greta show on FOX. "My style is a little bit different than most conventional Republican Party chairmen," he boasted to Van Susteren. "I'm much more of a street guy."   "Mike who?" Steele laughed when asked about Mike Duncan, the former RNC Chair who has vowed to work for his defeat. "That boy is too chickenshit to even run for the job again. I whipped him last time, whipped him good. And if he tries again, I'll beat him like a red-headed stepchild."   "He really can deliver quite a beating," admitted Steele's red-headed stepchild Rusty O'Malley. "I remember the first time that he laid eyes on me. He glared at me for a couple minutes and then hit me with a right hook that knocked me half way across the room and had me seeing stars. He just kept wailing on me, yelling 'who's your daddy' until I finally told him that my daddy was Bryan O'Malley. I guess he knew that was a lie, but he seemed happy just to get an answer."

you're in good hands

Of all the ugly consequences of the November elections, probably none of them are more unsettling than the loss of the House committee chairmanships. And the most disconcerting of these just may be the fight for the Energy and Commerce Committee, where the battle is between Barton, Upton, and Shimkus, all of whom want to use the committee to dismantle the health reform law.   One other small item that falls under their purview is the environment, and like most Republicans, all three are climate change deniers. However, Fred Upton, who is actually considered the 'environmental moderate' of the group, wants to have hearings... on Climategate scientists.   I can't imagine that Joe Barton or John Shimkus disagree, but it looks like Upton may never get the chance to chair those hearings. You see, Barton is spearheading a campaign to show that Upton isn't conservative enough to chair the committee. Chief amongst his crimes is his work on the 2007 legislation aimed at replacing incandescent light bulbs with more efficient ones. You might say that a light bulb went off above Barton's head, because like Rush Limbaugh said this week, "No Republican complicit in [this sort of] nannyism, statism, can be rewarded this way." Aside from Rush, Michele Bachmann is on board, and Barton is so simpatico that he's already introduced a bill to repeal the 'light bulb law'. So sorry, Fred, say hello to Big Brother on your way out the door.   But Joe has a problem. You see, the GOP has a rule that you can only be the lead Republican on a certain committee for two terms, which means Barton has to go. And while it would be possible to give him a waiver - such things have been known to happen - the sad fact is that his colleagues just don't like him much. I know, how can you not like the man who apologized to BP for the mean way Obama treated them, but these things happen. Which leaves John Shimkus, the man who last year posed the question "So if we decrease the use of carbon dioxide, are we not taking away plant food from the atmosphere?"   You know Shimkus, don't you? His video was all the rage early last year. In it, he explains his theory that the earth is starved for carbon dioxide, as well as revealing why he isn't worried about any man made climate disasters. You see, after God wiped out mankind with the Great Flood, he told Noah that He wouldn't do it again, and that as long as He was around "seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease." And since the word of God is infallible, ipso facto, if the Earth was ever destroyed, He'd be the one destroying it.   So there you go, Barton, Upton, and Shimkus, three great choices for leadership. And not one little thing to worry about.

compromise

During yesterday afternoon's press conference, President Obama let it be known that following his dramatic chastisement by the voters, he was now ready to take the necessary steps to 'just get along'. One example of his newfound desire to compromise was his apparent willingness to end his foolish opposition to well-deserved tax cuts for those making over a quarter million a year.   "This seems to be an issue of immense importance to the American people, so whatever," Obama admitted. "Although I've got to admit that it doesn't seem to jive with the other immensely important goal of bringing down the deficit. Maybe that's just me - I am, after all, a deeply flawed individual. So okay, I guess I'm willing to support tax cuts for the wealthy just as long as the GOP is willing to not blame me when it increases the deficit."   "The American people didn't put the Republican Party back on the road to glory just to see us cutting backroom deals," said Speaker-in-Waiting Boehner upon hearing the President's offer. "Of course we'll blame Obama when the deficit rises again. Taxes aren't the problem, it's these huge government programs like Cap and Trade that are the problem."   "Cap and Trade is as dead as a doornail," Obama said at another point of his press conference. "We've never even been able to get it to the Senate floor, and we never will. Apparently there are numerous business interests who feel that global warming doesn't exist but even if it does it's no big deal. And really, who am I to argue? I mean, I'm a politician, not a climatologist."   "And he's not a doctor, either," added presumed Majority Leader Cantor. "So why has he forced this Health Care Legislation down our throats? I'll tell you why - because once the government is in charge of health care, they have the power to control and manipulate every aspect of our lives."   "Young Eric has a point," admitted Obama. "I mean, I certainly didn't intend for Health Care to become the launching point for a fascist dictatorship, but I've got to admit it has that potential. Who knows what sort of unscrupulous leader might arise in the future and use it's mechanisms for evil? It could happen. I suppose we need to revamp it in a way that would... Nah, probably better off to just repeal the whole damn thing." "Oh, so now he's talking about launching a fascist dictatorship," tweeted presidential frontrunner Sarah Palin.

GOP unveils exciting new PowerPoint presentation

Casually dressed in an attempt to avoid being confused with despicable 'real politicians', the GOP House leadership appeared this morning at Moe's Lumber Yard in Sterling, Virginia, to unveil their latest PowerPoint presentation, 'A Pledge to America'. Unlike previous pledges to America, this one contained 21 pages, several of which had actual words printed on them. The charts, however, continued the proud Republican tradition of being quite colorful. "I must say that I'm quite proud of this one," said Kevin McCarthy, the congressman in charge of developing the pledge (which in a remarkable display of dexterity also serves as a plan). "Four staffers, three weeks, and worth every man-hour. There in the center is the Secretary of Health and Human Services, as you can plainly see. We could have just put in a picture of Kathleen Sebelius, but this chart is meant to be completely reusable unless something changes. Now look at all the circles around her. Makes you mad, doesn't it? Hell yeah, it makes you mad. You're not going to see nearly that many circles after we retake the House, although we do intend to retain enough diamonds and rectangles to meet the public need." "Now this one here you'll no doubt find mind boggling. I know my mind was boggled, which unfortunately isn't that uncommon an occurrence up here on Capitol Hill. I never in my life thought that I'd have to use puce on a pie chart, but it's a pretty graphic representation of just how man types of Federal assistance there are. For God's sake, you either assist somebody or you don't, you shouldn't have to go through every color in the rainbow... Not that there's puce in the rainbow... The GOP is making a pledge that we will consolidate some of the more attractive slices into one considerably smaller pie to be called the Department of Assistance." Here's a chart that's liable to give you the heebie-jeebies. I know it certainly scared the crap out of me. It shows just how many times martial law has been declared in the past four sessions of Congress. Now as you can clearly see, the Democrats have used it even more than we have. The plain fact is, though, that we've both used it too much, so we're pledging that when we're back in power that we'll only declare martial law once and keep it there, rather than all this wasteful vacillation. There are certain agenda items that are so well known that we saw no reason to state them again in this agenda. We fully intend to restore and augment the Bush tax cuts, put an end to illegal immigration, loosen burdensome financial regulations, and above all, repeal health care reform. This is our pledge to America. These are things that should be and will be done. But what if due to massive voter fraud we somehow fail to take back the House this November? That bring us to our final chart, which should be self-explanatory.

profiles in whatever

Lynn Westmoreland. You know, the right-wing congressman from Georgia. The one who tried to block reauthorization of the Voting Rights act? The one who voted against providing relief after Hurricane Katrina? The one that got FOX love for calling Obama uppity? Okay, maybe you remember him for his most significant (and pretty much only) legislative proposal: a bill to display the Ten Commandments in the House and Senate. And there he was today, addressing  Ralph Reed's Faith and Freedom Conference, taking up Newt Gingrich's 'shut down the government' mantra in front of a full house of gleeful wingers. "When we take the majority, we’re going to assume that the American people have revolted, or whatever, against the Obama agenda, the progressive agenda, for Washington," Westmoreland succinctly noted  But we all know what happens when you assume, don't we? Whatever, as the man says. The problem is, even after the American people have revolted or whatever, that arrogant President Obama will probably stand in the way of progress by vetoing all their good ideas like repealing health care and repealing financial reform and mandating the display of the Ten Commandments in all classrooms and finishing the dang wall and more tax cuts and freezing all new federal regulations and outlawing Islam and repealing the fourteenth amendment and whatever. Well, Obama can just take that veto pen and shove it up his uppity ass. "The government shut down," Westmoreland told his crowd of cheering peers. "That's what I wanted to hear! A good clap for that! We want you with us. We gotta have you there. Because they're going to come and say, 'Daddy can't go to the VA, the national parks are closed..." Little Billy's got food poisoning from the uninspected meat, Mommy just got killed in a mid-air collision, Grandma's moving in cause she can't get her Social Security but she can't move in because Hurricane Gina destroyed our town and nobody's doing anything about it,  whatever.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Better Know a District - Lynn Westmoreland Update
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All Hail The (former) Chief

Republicans were united today in expressing their belief that George W Bush should be given all of the credit for ending the seven year long war in Iraq, but equally insistent that he should not be saddled with any of the responsibility for starting it. "You might recall that the surge wasn't very popular when it was announced," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, alluding to the well known fact that the 'real' war in Iraq didn't start until 2007. "You might also recall that one of its biggest critics was the current president. That just grills my cheese, and I'll tell him that to his face. If I can keep from barfing." Obama was notoriously one of the wars biggest supporters of the war when it was first started by Saddam Hussein, who forced the conflict by recklessly pretending to have weapons of mass destruction which he intended to annihilate the United States with in a merciless multi-pronged attack. "It was easy for Barack Obama to be a cheerleader for the war back in 2002," noted McConnell. "Everybody was for it, and besides, he was only a state senator that no one had ever heard of. Yet, in spite of the popular consensus, President Bush and the Republican Party were determined to do everything within their power to avoid a costly and deadly conflict, and were forced into it only after Saddam Hussein refused to disclose the location of his imaginary yet deadly weapons. If the WMDs hadn't killed us, the suspense surely would have." "Some leaders who opposed, criticized, and fought tooth-and-nail to stop the surge strategy now proudly claim credit for the results," House Minority Leader John Boehner chimed in. "You know who I'm talking about. This is the most blatant sort of flip-floppery imaginable. Obama was one of the most verbal supporters of this unwelcome war until John McCain invented the surge in 2007. Then, with the same calculating foresight that allowed him to fake his birth records back in 1961, he cynically changed his position in his heartless strategy to defeat the man who he knew would be his opponent in 2008. His heartless tactic worked all too well. All I can say is thank God the economy tanked in anticipation of Obama's election, else he would have surely aborted our mission in Iraq, preventing us from ever celebrating this glorious victory that President Bush and the Republican party so brilliantly engineered."

Happy news spurs party plan

The Republican leadership is ecstatic over a just released report from the Joint Committee on Taxation that analyzes the cost of extending the Bush tax cuts. According to the nonpartisan number crunchers, the extension would add 238 billion to the federal deficit in 2011. "There are members of Congress that feel this is still too high, including some in my own party," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I would agree, while pointing out that this is less than a third of President Obama's wasteful stimulus plan. Nevertheless, it is clear that proliferate spending must be brought under control, and I believe that the American people are willing to make sacrifices to achieve that end. The most interesting thing about this study is the fact that extending these tax cuts to those of us that make over a quarter million dollars a year, who the Obama administration childishly labels as the richest Americans, would cost only a paltry 36 billion next year. I'd call that a bargain." "A bargain? Indeed it is," agreed House Minority Leader Boehner. "That's not much more than the Democrats just rammed through to pay off all the unionized special interests in the schools and police departments. All about political payoffs, wasn't it, Mitch?" "You bet, John, whereas extending our cuts let's us hardworking Americans keep a little liquidity in our pockets during a time of real economic hardship. That's why I'm excited that we're together today to tell everyone about the exciting new GOP plan to both keep more of our own money and turn around the economy at the same time." "It is an exciting plan, Mitch. You know, this report was a real eye opener, and it seems that as usual, the devil is in the details. Would you care to expound on that?" "Glad to, John. It seems that a careful examination of this report reveals the shocking fact that a full 202 billion dollars is added to the deficit by extending the tax cuts to the least wealthy 98% of Americans. That's six times as much as is added by the so-called rich. Hardly fair and equitable." "Hardly fair at all, Mitch. And as we all know, giving money to people who are only going to use it to pay bills or buy food doesn't aid one bit in the important task of job creation." "That's right, John. It's like pouring water down a drain. It's gone and you've got nothing to show for it. Whereas 87% of money saved by the rich goes directly into job creation. That's a fact straight from the Heritage Foundation. That's why we're together today to announce our exciting plan to extend the Bush tax cuts only to those making more than $250,000." "It's a great strategy, Mitch. 202 billion in deficit reduction and 36 billion for job creation." "We don't need to exaggerate, John. That's 202 billion in deficit reduction and 31.32 billion in job creation." "Not all of us wear a calculator watch, McConnell. I was close enough for government work." "Steady as she goes, John. The important thing is our plan is bringing America together in the spirit of shared sacrifice." "And it most assuredly is shared sacrifice, Mitch, because the top 2% will be paying the same rate on their first $250,000 as the rest of the country." "Oh. That's right. So if I'm not mistaken, that means 202.74 billion in deficit reduction. This is a great plan, John." "It is a great plan, Mitch."

Steele controversy continues

Although the $2000 tab at the West Hollywood Voyeur club has garnered the most attention in the controversy over Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele's lavish spending of party funds, there are many other items that have supporters equally outraged, such as the February expenditure of $17,000 for private jet service and $35,000 for upscale hotel rooms. "February is a short-ass month, and this wasn't even a leap year," groused GOP strategist John Weaver. "I understand that Chairman Steele believes $35,000 isn't that much when you count in room service, but it still seems more than a little extravagant to me. If he keeps this up, people are going to start thinking that we're wasting their donations." "Uh huh, uh huh," Steele replies dismissively. "What Mr Weaver doesn't understand is that's exactly who I'm spending that money on, big donors. They come up to my room, what am I supposed to serve them, coffee and doughnuts? Get real." One expense that raised eyebrows was a payment to Andre Young, AKA Dr. Dre, on February 17th for $22,000. "There's nothing out of the ordinary about that," says Steele. "I said when I took this job that the Republican Party needed to update our image and principles, and apply them to an urban-suburban hip-hop setting, and now everybody wants to act like this is some sort of surprise. I want a theme song that'll make us vital, and I figured Dr. Dre was the right man for the job. What we're doing is beyond cutting edge, but Dre don't come cheap, baby, so I'm gonna need some serious cash to finish the job." "All he got was a beat," Weaver says angrily. "A bass drum and something that sounds like a metronome. That's not going to get anyone interested in the Republican Party. I can't believe Steele spent $22,000 on a bass drum and a metronome." "It's called a click track, dawg," replied a clearly perturbed Dr. Dre. "It's giving you the tempo and then you build on it, the same as you need a foundation before you can have a house. But I'll tell you one thing that your man Steele was right about. Dre don't come cheap, and that was about all the work I could do for twenty-two thousand. Me, I don't rush things. Shit, I didn't even have time to get the sound right on the motherfuckin bass drum." "People always like to focus on the controversy, and not on the good news," said Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. "Listen, Steele helped to win the governors races in Virginia and in New Jersey, helped to win the Senate race up in Massachusetts. That's a pretty good track record. And you know who else has a pretty good track record? Dr. Dre. I think if he says he needs to work on the sound of that motherfuckin bass drum, then by all means, we should let him do it."

pre-summit strategy

"You drew the short straw, Boehner. That means you've got to do the giant health care bill stunt." "Not a problem, McCain, even though I'm pretty sure they were all short straws. I'll just give this to my sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip. That little twit will enjoy messing with Obama, even if it does makes him look juvenile and foolish. Or more foolish than usual, I should say." "Do you really think that the president is going to be flustered by seeing a giant health care bill on the table, Boehner?" "That's a good question, Mitch. Let's ask an expert. What do you think, McCain? You were almost president - would seeing a giant health care bill on the table have befuddled you?" "I would consider it a serious breach of decorum, so yes, I've got to say that it would likely throw me off track. But the truth is, I don't really give a fuck as long as it embarrasses Cantor." "That boy is too dumb to embarrass, but at least it'll be good for a laugh. Do you know what would be even funnier? If I had a giant health care bill also - then there would be a giant bill on either side of Obama. I'm laughing just thinking about it." "You don't look like your laughing, Boehner. You look like you're about to cry." "Oh yeah, I'm practicing. The camera just eats that up. I'm going to alternate between tearful, impatient, and unctuous. What do you think, Mitch? Good strategy?" "Well, I do appreciate the fact that you and Cantor are handling the props, since the Senate is far too dignified for that sort of shenanigans. But it is going to be a long meeting, so I hope I get a chance to see you seethe a little bit." "Forget about it, McConnell, that's a job for a real pro. You just leave the seething up to John McCain and you're going to see a red-faced, eye bulging, vein-popping seething demonstration of the type you can't buy for love or money. And when I speak... look out, their will be no prisoners taken and no quarter given. I'm going to snarl and interrupt and laugh in a strangely inappropriate way. And when that Nigerian motherfucker tries condescending to me, I'm gonna bite his goddamn head off." "You are a truly angry man, John." "You best believe it, Boehner, I'm on fire. If ACORN hadn't stolen the election, I would be the president and we wouldn't be in this mess today." "As I recall, you did vote for the bailout." "That's because Paulson and Bernake lied to me, you stupid fucking self-righteous peckerhead!" "Careful, Boehner, he's already turning crimson and the summit doesn't even begin for another hour." "Just getting him prepped, Mitch. You haven't told us yet what your strategy is for this meeting. You gonna go with your indignantly-lost-in-traffic expression?" "I know that's a pretty effective tactic, but I thought today I would stare at Obama intently and imagine that I have no pants on." "Oh jeez, Mitch, that's not much of a strategy. You know, that's an old trick for a speaker, where they imagine the audience naked, so that the speaker feels..." "I know that, Boehner, but seeing as how the President is an African-American, I'm worried that if I imagined him without any pants it might somehow be misconstrued as racism." "If I see this numbnuts imagining himself without his goddamn pants on, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines." "I've got a better idea, Mitch. When Obama calls on you, just yield the floor to McCain."

GOP Valentines

Another day, another ridiculous message from Michael Steele: Dear Fellow Republican, This Valentine's Day, show the most important Republicans, Democrats and Independents in your life how much they mean to you by sending them a GOP Valentine's E-Card. Pass along a special message from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi that they didn't craft this Valentine's card behind closed doors like they did with their government-run health care experiment. My only complaint with the GOP Valentine's Day cards is that the captions aren't very clever, but that's nothing that cant be repaired with a little fancy photoshopping. Matter of fact, I just created one to send to all the most important Republicans in my life. Feel free to snag it, or have tons of fun on your own! Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. If I can make it through the snow drifts, I'm on my way to New Orleans for Mardi Gras!

hostage situation

Alabama Senator Richard Shelby has taken what may be the ultimate obstructionary step of placing a hold on all of President Obama's unconfirmed appointees, which he plans to keep in place until the administration meets his demands on what he likes to call 'national security issues'. National security being defined, in this case, as giving Shelby all the pork he can eat. According to National Journal (registration required), Shelby is rightly concerned about what might befall America if Northrop Grumman is not given a 40 billion dollar contract to build planes in Alabama, and the money instead is given to Boeing, who would build the planes elsewhere. Oh yeah, Northrop Grumman doesn't particularly like the Air Forces work proposal, so Shelby is demanding that it be changed to Northrop's liking. Among other demands Shelby is making for the release of the hostages is that the FBI build the Terrorist Explosive Device Analytical Center in Alabama, and that people start to call him Dick instead of Richard. "I've asked nicely, over and over," grumbles Shelby. "I say 'Call me Dick', and they say 'Okay, Richard'. I asked Senator Reid if he could please try and lead by example, and he just laughed in my face. Well, I guess he's not laughing anymore, now that I've frozen out his precious executive nominees." The White House is blasting Shelby, with Press Secretary Gibbs holding him out as an example of what's wrong with Washington. "If that’s not the poster child for how this town needs to change the way it works," Gibbs said, "I fear there won’t be a greater example of silliness throughout the entire year of 2010." Shelby also received a personal phone call from Rahm Emanuel, who reportedly called him 'fucking retard' instead of Dick. Not all of the attention on Shelby has been negative, however. Senator john Cornyn has already agreed to call him by his preferred name, tweeting this morning 'DICK HAS BALLS!!! LOL!!!', and several other Republican Senators say that they are watching with interest, noting they may try similar tactics if Shelby's demands are met. 'OR THE EXACT SAME TACTIC! LOL!!!', tweeted Cornyn.

piano man

The Republican National Committee, focusing on austerity at their boondoggle in Hawaii, has rejected a plan to require all new candidates to pass an ideological purity test in order to be eligible for campaign funding from the party. Instead, they have adopted a resolution "urging party leadership to carefully screen the records and statements of all candidates who profess to be Republicans," and double-check them for proper conservative compliance before denying them support. "The important thing was to get rid of the P word but retain the intent," said Jim Bopp, the original sponsor of the purity resolution. "A purity test. Chairman Steel was right when he ridiculed me for calling it that. I guess it does sound kind of effeminate, pretentious and liberal. And like Senator Ensign told me, it's the kind of idea that's liable to turn around and bite us on the ass like an insane girlfriend. I mean, here we are in sunny Honolulu in January, partying on our contributors donations, so who the hell are we to judge? Glad you asked, we're the RNC, and if we don't let you in this disco then we don't have to worry about dancing with you. Like I said, the important thing was to drop the P word." "No, man, the important thing was to make sure I wasn't the focus of attention," said RNC Chair Michael Steele. "Some of these jive turkeys came to Hawaii with the idea of trying to challenge my ass, and now I've got em all too discombobulated to even think about me. I've got them talking about purity and worrying about teabaggers and meanwhile I've got the margaritas flowing, baby, and I think I smell me a roasted pig."

Anonymous critics to Steele: 'No, you shut up'

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele had strong words for his Republican critics in an ABC News interview yesterday, erupting into what reporter Aaron Katersky described as a petulant frenzy. "I’ve had enough of it. If you don’t want me in the job, fire me. But until then, shut up. Get with the program or get out of the way." "Well, that was incredibly rude," said one Congressional Republican who declined to be identified. "I guess I'd like to reply by saying 'No, you shut up'. But I won't. Because he controls the purse strings, and there's this election coming up in November... It's kind of like being an actor with a lousy agent, but the agent is more famous than you are, and... ah, never mind. Fuck it. I just wish he'd go away." Steele was reacting to a report in the conservative Washington Times which claimed that some wealthy Republican contributors were not donating this year because of his erratic leadership. Lawrence Bathgate, former RNC Finance Chairman under Reagan and Bush Sr. said he hadn't donated to the RNC this year, although he did have big checks for practically every other GOP organization in existence. "Oh, so the great Larry Bathgate is not gonna help me out this year," Steele said in mock amazement. "Let me tell you a little bit about this no-account loser - he probably doesn't have a pot to piss in anyway. He ran his own company into the ground, rang up 100 million in debt buying everything from private jets to Thomas Jefferson's dining room table, and then his bankruptcy sent his hometown piggy-bank into insolvency. Hold onto your pennies, Mr Barthgate, and save up for some breath mints." "Goddammit," said a mortified Bathgate. "I told the Washington Times not to use my name." Many GOP House and Senate aides are up in arms, saying that he's setting them back with his erratic comments and behavior. "You really need to have him be quiet," said one anonymous aide, expressing his embarrassment with Steele's chairmanship. “They have no idea of what's going on in America," said the man who has a real good idea of what's going on in America, "So here comes this six foot four bald guy who's talking about hip hop Republicans..." "Ah, there he goes again with the hip hop Republicans," muttered another unidentified congressman. "I don't even know what he means with that crap he keeps spouting. I think maybe it's about time for us to..." "That sounds like Joe Wilson," interrupted Steele. "Hey, Wilson, President Obama was right about one thing - you are one unruly obnoxious son of a bitch. And it seems that you particularly like shooting your mouth off to African Americans. I wonder how that's going to play in your 26% black district?"