you are my sunshine

"This is a great day for America, and a pretty fine one for me as well," said a clearly delighted Michele Bachmann, shortly after her first significant piece of legislation was passed by the House. "The future looks bright, and I'd say that I look pretty bright too for introducing this fine bill.   Back in March, when Bachmann introduced her revolutionary Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act, people scoffed at the very idea that one individual could make a difference in the nation's consumption of incandescent lighting, Today they know differently. Assuming Senate passage, we will never again have to fear another intrusive government program recklessly promoting so-called energy efficient light bulbs.   "When I first introduced this bill, the mainstream media was accusing me of being a bit of a dull bulb," Bachmann continued. "But you know who's a dim bulb? Those squiggly pig-tail things the government wants you to use. Plus, they are without a doubt the ugliest things ever, and an insult to one of our greatest founding fathers, Thomas Edison, who first created an item which is every bit as beautiful and vital to our way of life now as it was back in those days of yore following the enlightenment."   Although elimination of intrusive government program recklessly promoting so-called energy efficient light bulbs is undoubtedly an impressive moment in Bachmann's glowing legacy, she feared for a moment that it might not become a reality.   "I introduced the legislation earlier this week under suspension rules," Bachmann explains. "I was so certain that it would pass that I didn't notice that suspension rules mean you have to get a two thirds majority, and I suppose you can guess what happened next - obstructionist Democrats. I was devastated. But today Congressman Michael Burgess re-introduced it as an amendment to a different bill and saved the day."   "I might have saved the day, but it's Michele who saved the light bulb shaped light bulb," Burgess told the House. "Let me read a line from a letter I received from a constituent, a man known as Dave. Dave says 'The traditional 100 watt light bulb is like having sunshine in your home'. To which I can only add, please don't take my sunshine away. The federal government has no right to tell me or any other citizen what type of light bulb to use at home. It is our right to choose, and they can have my bulb only when they can screw it out of my cold dead socket."

Reid concedes

Speaking solemnly, Majority Leader Harry Reid gaveled close another exciting week in the Senate (one not unusual in the fact that nothing was done) with a dramatic conclusion unique in modern congressional history - the decision to work on the week after a national holiday.   "Okay, I give up, you win. You win, Mister President. Don't shoot me - See, I've got my hands up. Your remarks yesterday really hurt, comparing us unfavorably to Malia and Sasha. True, we haven't gotten a lot of bills passed this year... just eighteen, if you're counting, and I'm sure you are... And fifteen of those were naming a building or extending an existing law, although we did get that one guy appointed to the board of the Smithsonian. Everybody loves Jimbo... And let's see, there's the Patriot Act, which was also an extension, but still, it was a significant one... And there was something else... "   "But I'll read what you said because you were right, we do have a heck of a lot of work to do. Not that we'll be able to really accomplish anything but what the heck, you've got the gun, rhetorically speaking. You know, Mr. President, you might have hear it said that with liberty comes responsibility. We should take that responsibility seriously. I’m confident we do. That’s why the Senate will reconvene on Tuesday, the day after the Fourth. We’ll do that because we have work to do. We’ll be in session that week - that’s next week - with our first vote on July 5, which as I indicated earlier, is the day after the fourth. There. You happy? Now everybody get on out of here and enjoy what you've got left of the weekend."

dispatch from the dangerous kitchen

It was revealed today that Dennis Kucinich was yet another victim of the notorious Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, a congressional eatery shunned by most House members for it's reckless disregard of culinary safety. Over the years, numerous lawmakers have been subjected to food poisoning, choking on improperly deboned fish, heartburn, and diarrhea, as well as burgers that were severely overcooked. The cafeteria was temporarily closed in 1994, when a human finger was discovered in their vegetarian chili.   According to a complaint filed with the DC Superior Court, Kucinich suffered 'serious and permanent dental and oral injuries' after biting into a 'tainted' sandwich wrap that was 'unwholesome and unfit for human consumption, in that it was represented to contain pitted olives, yet unknown to plaintiff contained an unpitted olive'. Kucinich is suing the Longworth for $150,000 to cover 'pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment'. "I clearly remember the day he ate that sandwich," says Rep. Anthony Weiner. "There was a howl from the back of the cafeteria, but when people saw that it was Dennis, they didn't pay too much attention. Once it kept on for a while, though, I thought someone should check on him, so I went over to see what the matter was. 'I've got a pit in my sandwich', he moaned, so I told him to keep quiet about it or everybody would want one. I guess my humor was totally lost on him, because he kept on chewing with tears rolling down his cheeks. I asked him later why he didn't just spit it out and he told me that would have been undignified. Yeah, well so is howling like a banshee in the House cafeteria."

Czar Wars

Looking at all possible avenues to marginalize President Obama on their journey towards a Utopian 2012, Rep. Steve Scalise has come up with an exciting tactic that just might work. This week the Louisiana Republican introduced legislation that would get rid of all of Obama's 'czars' by defunding their offices.   "The sad fact is that no matter how hard we fight and vote against the President's agenda, there are still a lot of things that he can do through administrative orders, rewriting regulations, and so forth," said Scalise. "And it's these czars, or as Obama euphemistically calls them 'policy advisers', who make it possible for him to bypass the House's will. We can't legally fire the czars, so I say what the hey, let's just starve them out. Oh god, that's so cool. Obama will be at a friggin standstill, and GOP heaven will be visible on the horizon."   The only pothole on Scalise's road to glory is the fact that there is nobody who's officially designated as a czar, nor any definition of what the job description would be for one, seeing as how it's just a term the media uses so that they can say 'TARP czar' instead of the much more boring  'United States Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability'.   "I think we can all tell exactly who the czars are, definitions or not," sneered Scalise. "They're all the folks up there whispering in the president's ear that the Senate didn't get to vote on. It's a simple matter of transparency mumble mumble.  I tell you, I used to like me some czars back when President Bush called them that, cause you knew then the word was ironic, but with a Socialist in office, I don't think you can assume that anymore. I'm speaking for all the Republicans in the House who think Bush didn't need any czars either, we just didn't see the harm in it at the time. But that's the problem with presidential overreach; you let one guy established a precedent without taking into consideration what type of lunatic might win in the next election."   "In no way should this vote to defund be seen as some type of radical action by the House. Hell, we're only half of Congress, and if we dump the czars, the president's free to renominate them for confirmation by the Senate... if and when they feel like it. The House doesn't even get to vote, so I don't really have a dog in this fight other that the fact that I hate Obama and want to do anything in my power to help cripple him."

the daily dysfunction

Congressional Democrats erupted into a petulant frenzy of righteous indignation today in reaction to the package of tax cuts and unemployment extensions that was a much better deal than any of them had any reason to expect mere days earlier.   Faced with the prospect of an even more inflexible Congress in January, Vice President Biden was dispatched to discuss the package with the Senate Democratic caucus, who showed their appreciation by keeping him waiting by the water cooler for forty minutes before finally agreeing to verbally abuse him for the next two hours. Reportedly, they felt much better after being given the opportunity to vent. Then the lucky Vice President got to repeat the experience with House Democrats.   "Your first day in the prison yard, you've got to punch the biggest guy out or else they're going to keep doing it to you," said Anthony Weiner, reflecting on his time at the Otisville Federal Correctional Institute. "Of course you usually find out that was a big mistake, and if you're lucky enough to live you're going to get butt fucked by the second biggest guy. I guess that's what happened, because Biden just gave me a funny look and said 'this is the deal, take it or leave it'. Well, I might have to take it, but I don't have to like it'.

Senate approves new jobless training

The Senate today passed a new program for jobless training by an margin of 64-36. The new bill, with a startup cost of $450 million, is known as the HOBO Act (Homeless, Obsolete, Broke and Outtawork), and will provide training in at least two dozen major urban areas across the country. Unlike many failed programs in the past which attempted to provide job skills that employers preferred to outsource anyway, the HOBO program will focus on the skills required to deal with joblessness. "Over the years, the word hobo has taken on an undeservedly negative connotation," said Jim DeMint, one of the co-sponsors of the bill. "The truth is that hobos hold a very noble and important place in this nation's history. They're not like tramps, who work only when they absolutely have to, and nothing at all like bums, who don't work at all. They're colorful vagabonds who travel around the country, taking whatever work may come their way, whether it's picking vegetables, working in carnivals, or painting your garage for the price of a sandwich."   "This is a far better use of our scarce resources than yet another extension of unemployment," added Jon Kyl, another of the bill's co-sponsors. "Let's face it, once you've been out of work for 99 weeks, nobody is going to hire you. That's just the way it is. You reek of desperation, and that's something no sane employer wants to add to their payroll. It's much better to just accept your fate and hit the road."   "At first I was reluctant to support the HOBO act," said Olympia Snowe, "But then I realized I was just denying reality. This is training that can make life a little better for America's downtrodden. I have to ask myself, if I was homeless and on the road, would I know how to catch a critter in the woods and safely prepare it for consumption? Would I know how to hop aboard a moving freight train and make my way to a strawberry harvest? The answer is no, so I feel that the training this program provides can make a real difference in people's lives."   "The president broke the economy, and it's going to stay broken for a long time," said Mitch McConnell. "Even after we get our tax cuts it's going to be too little too late. The HOBO Act is an acknowledgement of that fact and a signal to the nation's many unemployed workers that it's time to just move on." The bill will now proceed to President Obama, who is expected to sign it at a ceremony outside of a freight yard outside of Quantico, Virginia.

after the summit

The long awaited 'summit' between President Obama, the GOP leadership, and a fistful of Democrats finally took place this morning, resulting in what the President optimistically described as 'productive' and 'a good start'. Even more positively, he described it as 'very civil', meaning there was minimal shouting and no one called him a Nazi.   "A good start, huh? Is that what he said?," asked a bleary-eyed John Boehner later in the day. "I suppose that's another reference to his SALT treaty. The man is relentless. We had a very nice meeting today. Of course, we've had a lot of very nice meetings. Me, I'm not a morning person. And I was looking forward to a nice meal, which I guess is asking a little too much for one of these morning get-togethers. Still, if the President was really serious about working together, he could at least have offered up a few Bloody Marys."   "That's quite true," agreed the ageless Harry Reid. "Me, I am a morning person, so it was more like three in the afternoon from my perspective. Plenty late enough for a couple of stiff ones. I'm afraid that coffee and a Danish just doesn't cut it."   "I respectively disagree with the Senator from Nevada," said Jon Kyl. "Some days I practically live on coffee and Danish, but Jesus, prune Danish? What the hell was Obama thinking? Nobody likes prune Danish, except maybe for Arlan Specter, and that man is history. As well he should be. Anyone that would eat that crap is not someone I want to work with."   "God, I ate a bite of one before I knew what it was and I almost barfed," exclaimed Nancy Pelosi. "I didn't know what to do with it after the first bite, so I just put my napkin on top of it and pretended I wasn't hungry but I couldn't get the taste of it out of my mouth. That's why I kept drinking more and more coffee. God, am I wired. Is it just me or did that coffee taste weird, too? God, I've got to go to the ladies room."   "Must be the coffee," chuckled Mitch McConnell. "Kenyan, no doubt. You know, protocol demands that if you serve breakfast - even a semblance of breakfast such as this one was - you at least offer a glass of orange juice..."   "Preferably with a healthy shot of Absolut in it," added Boehner.   "You know, John, not all of us like to drink in the middle of the workday," chided Steny Hoyer. "Uh, let me rephrase that, lest I sound too elitist. Not all of feel comfortable drinking in the middle of the workday. But I agree with you 100 percent that all of us should at least have the opportunity to drink during the middle of the workday, and Obama apparently just didn't see that as an option. What's your take on it, Young Gun?"   "I don't drink, but freedom of choice is the cornerstone of our democracy," replied Eric Cantor. "But I do like prune Danish."   "Obviously," laughed Reid. "You ate three of them."   "I see that you as good at counting Danishes as you are at counting votes," quipped Cantor. "But I was famished. I would have eaten anything you put in front of me."   "Well, he could have asked us to stay for lunch," asserted Dick Durbin. "The meeting lasted halfway through lunch time, and it would have been the courteous thing to do. But no, Obama has to rush right out and brief the press on all the progress we're making. I don't think we're making all that much progress, do you, Mitch?"   "Heavens no," admitted McConnell. "Although I think that we're all in concurrence that a little chow would have helped ease the path forward." "Yeah," agreed Cantor. "Jeez Louise, I wish he had at least offered. It's not like you get an opportunity to go to the White House all that often."   "Well I do," cautioned Pelosi. "Be careful what you wish for, Young Eric. This was about as much fun as it gets."   "We've got bipartisan consensus on that," agreed Boehner.

recess interruptus

Senate Democrats scored a surprise victory Wednesday by passing a long stalled stimulus bill which will supplement bankrupt state governments Medicaid funds and prevent the layoff of over a quarter million teachers, firemen and police officers. The bill picked up the needed two Republican votes after deficit offsets were identified and included in the package. As a result, Nancy Pelosi has called for a special House session next week to insure quick passage. Already more brightly hued than usual from the extra tanning time allowed by the earlier start to summer vacation in the House schedule, an angry John Boehner mounted the FOX News podium this afternoon to urge members of the House GOP caucus to "commit civil disobedience with your feet and seat by not responding to School Marm Pelosi's call for an interruption of our recess." "As a matter of fact, we don't even have to be civil about it," continued Boehner, "we should be downright rude. Instead of saying, 'I'm sorry, Madam Speaker, I've got other plans', we can shout 'Hell no, I won't show', and wipe our hands clean of the entire thing. This promises to be the Democrats last victory before we sweep the place clean in November, so let them enjoy it. All by themselves. And Pelosi can simmer in the burning hatred that her fellow liberals will surely feel at having their summer vacation so rudely interrupted." Calling the bill a "payoff to special interests and union leaders", Minority Leader Boehner was already angry about the idea of a further $26 billion of additional deficit spending by a party that seems unwilling to extend Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, but he was literally steaming from the offsets included in the bill. "This insidious plan means we can't even properly accuse the Democrats of additional deficits. Of course we will, anyway, but that's rather beside the point. And while I'm certainly pleased to see the $11 billion cut to unsustainable future food stamp benefits, I'm appalled by their audacity in cutting off $10 billion dollars of foreign tax credit loopholes from our fine multinational corporations. Multinational corporations are the engine that fuels our economy, and if Pelosi thinks I'm leaving my tanning bed to vote for a bill that hurts large businesses, she can sit on it and spin. You'll never see me pull a stunt like that when I'm Speaker." "There's a certain appealing logic to what John's proposing," said Minority Whip Eric Cantor. "No reason for us to show up, no reason at all. The Dems just have to get 217 of their own to put recess on hold in order to have a quorum, and for a couple of months at least, they still have that many. Of course, that part about never seeing a stunt like that under him is a little silly. He'll never be Speaker as long as he has to go through me."

Kagan survives Sessions

As expected, ranking Republican member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Jeff Sessions came out swinging today at Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, and as expected, Kagan answered him in a way that failed to satisfy him. Saving his best question for first, Sessions attempted to grill the former Harvard Law School dean on her decision to marginalize military recruiting for a few months by having them hold their events through veteran's organizations. “I'm confident that the military had access to our students and our students had access to the military throughout my entire deanship,” Kagan replied in a tone so condescending and smarmy that Sessions would have attempted to cite her for contempt of Congress had anyone else noticed. "She totally disregarded my assumptions," fumed Sessions, the only member of the Judiciary Committee to have his nomination to a District Court rejected. "Such flagrant arrogance is utterly unacceptable unless it's coming from me. And nobody on the Committee even noticed this breach of etiquette because they apparently were too bored. That boorish 'comedian' Al Franken is busy drawing insulting caricatures of me, while Kyl and Cornyn, who I expected to have my back, are both busy pecking away on their Blackberrys. I'm telling you, Elena Kagan is too mind-numbing dull to serve on... Wait a minute, that gives me an idea." "Ms Kagan, I'm sure that you're aware that you're exceptionally bland, no disrespect intended," Sessions continued, craftily moving on to a new topic. "Some might say that this veneer of blandness is intended to mask an inner core of radicalism that the American people would instinctively reject. Keeping in mind that you're under oath, would you say that this is in fact the case, or are you just really really bland?" "I would have to say that I'm just really really bland, Senator," Kagan deceptively replied in a way so fraudulently innocent that Sessions' eyeballs momentarily attempted to vacate their sockets. "I don't know what else to say." "You don't know what to say? How about the truth?" "Okay. The truth. Happy?" "Why you smartass young... Mister Chairman, the witness is being sarcastic towards me." "Huh?" said Senator Leahy, looking up from his crossword. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, but I would remind the Senator that this is a presidential nominee and not a witness, so please try and afford Ms Kagan the respect that she deserves." "You're just saying that because you're a liberal," muttered Sessions, flipping through the index cards that he hadn't thought he would need. "Let's see... Okay. Ms Kagan, in transcripts of your lectures, we have found an instance where you praised activist Israeli Supreme Court Justice Aharon Barak. Robert Bork has noted, and I quote, If people understood that an American Supreme Court nominee was going to follow the example of Barak, there would be grave misgivings and probably a refusal to confirm. Would you agree with that assessment, or does that question hit too close to home?" "Jeez Louise, Senator, first off you're quoting Robert Bork, a man who was rejected for the Supreme Court - much the way you were rejected for the District Court, except Bork was a big deal - and secondly, I believe the only reason you're bringing up Barak is that it sounds just like Barack and this is a dog whistle to your supporters down in Alabama. Do you even know who Aharon Barak is?" "Of course I know who Aharon Barak is, Ms Kagan. He was a judge. On the Supreme Court. In Israel. And according to Judge Bork, he must have had some pretty crazy ideas." "Well Senator, ask me a question about any of his rulings and I'll try and give you my view on it." "Okay, there was a case... I don't remember the name of it, but it was something about a Jew... Mister Chairman, witness is battering the prosecutor!" "Oh, for heaven's sake, you made me drop my pencil," grumbled Leahy. "The chair would remind you that you are not a prosecutor, Senator Sessions, and Ms Kagan is not on trial. And by the way, you have time for just one more question." "Oooh, just you wait until 2012," mumbled Sessions, flipping through his index cards. "Okay, let's get down to business, Ms Kagan. Are you a lesbian?" "Where?" exclaimed the no-longer snoozing Arlen Specter.

Joe Barton, daft wanker

"...and you are quite right, Congressman Waxman, the explosion and fire aboard the Deepwater Horizon never should have happened. Now the oil spill, on the other hand, should have happened, considering that our rig exploded, that's just one of the unsavory consequences of that type of catastrophe - cause and effect, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, I am deeply sorry that it did happen. In fact, my sadness has only grown as the disaster has continued." "Let me just say, Misterr Hayward, that you certainly don't look all that sorrowful with that big grin smeared across your face." "Oh. Was I smiling? I'm dreadfully sorry. It's just that I was thinking about what that last gentleman said, and it momentarily buoyed my spirits. You know, by nature of it's absurdity. Anyway, my apologies for smiling. I'll try not to let it happen again. Sorry." "Are you referring to the remarks of Congressman Barton?" "Indeed I am, sir. I thought that we had some real loons in Parliament, but when he started apologizing to me for the actions of your government against BP, I was completely gobsmacked. I mean, I assumed I was the only person here today who would be asking for forgiveness." "I suppose I can understand your incredulity, Mister Hayward. The fact is, certain of our members will be critical of anything this administration does, but that was over the top even by Congressman Barton's standards. Now if we can return to..." "Please give me just a moment, Congressman Waxman, I fear I'm about to smile again. I can't help it. I keep hearing that voice in my head, indignantly saying that BP was the victim of a 20 billion dollar shakedown." "I don't think anyone here really believes you were the victim of a shakedown, Mister Hayward." "Well, believe it, sir. It was quite the shakedown, the biggest I've ever experienced. I think it was what you call a Chicago-style shakedown. Quite intimidating. I thought, what ho, this bloke truly means business, and trust me, that's something that we all really respect at BP." "Well, uh..." "I suppose the funniest thing that Congressman Barton said was that... No, wait, I just thought of something funnier. The very funniest thing he said was that he didn't want to live in a country where any time a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong they're subject to some sort of political pressure. You've got to admit that was quite daft." "As Chairman of this committee, I'm afraid that it's my duty to ask you to refrain from making fun of any of our members." "Although I can see by your expression that you are in complete agreement with me." "Mister Hayward." "Sorry. Sorry. Very sorry." "Now, when BP first realized the volume of oil that was..." "...just not as sorry as Congressman Barton."

The Three Corporate Stooges

[pic: New York Times] Lamar McKay (BP), Steve Newman (Transocean), and Tim Probert (Halliburton) simultaneously seek permission to go to the bathroom. Representative Bart Stupak, head of the House Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations - which is currently hearing testimony on the massive Gulf Coast oil disaster - has revealed the probable cause for the spill. "I don't know for sure," said Stupak, "so I'm just making a wild-eyed guess here, just speculating, thinking off the top of my head, maybe blowing smoke here, probably talking out of my ass, but could it be... the blowout preventer?" The WaPo is reporting that a review of the blowout preventer found that it "had a dead battery in its control pod, leaks in its hydraulic system, a 'useless' test version of one of the devices that was supposed to close the flow of oil and a cutting tool that wasn't strong enough to shear through joints that made up 10 percent of the drill pipe." "I'm just a layman, so don't take my word as gospel," Stupak astutely continued, directing his comments to the combined brainpower of the three corporate stooges in charge, "but it sure seems to me that you gentlemen allowed one real piece-of-crap blowout preventer to be attached to this rig. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can't even check out the battery?" Lamar McKay of BP and Steve Newman of Transocean, jointly in charge of maintenance, swiftly swiveled face to face in an attempt to deflect blame, inadvertently poking each other in the eye. Tim Probert of Halliburton used the brief disturbance as an opportunity to check whether he still had Dick Cheney's number on his cell phone. Other testimony cited a startling document committee investigators had uncovered: a Transocean analysis of the blowout preventer that BP had called fail-safe. It revealed that there were 260 different failure-modes that would necessitate it's removal. "How can a device that has 260 failure modes be considered fail-safe?" Stupak asked incredulously. "Oh wait, silly me, I forgot there was a Cheney connection in all this." McKay shouted 'Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk' as Newman bonked himself of the top of the head and Probert hit speed dial.

earmarks safe

John McCain, the senator who claimed during the 2008 presidential campaign that he had "never asked for nor received a single earmark", is, as usual, mad as hell today after a bill calling for a one year moratorium on earmarks was soundly defeated by a vote of 68-29. "I think old John is stretching the truth a little when he says that he's never asked for an earmark," said Senator Thad Cochran, one of 15 Republicans who joined the majority of the Democrats and made defeating the bill a true bipartisan effort. "Fact is, John has quit asking for earmarks cause he knows he's never going to get any. Seems like he's rubbed us all the wrong way at one time or another, and when it comes time to craft a final bill, there's always someone with enough of a recent grudge willing to yank John's earmarks out. Me, I love me some earmarks. I got $500 million of them in this year's spending bills alone. I don't have any guilt trips." "Thad, you pork eating son of a bitch, I hope you choke on your $500 million," shouted a red-faced McCain. "You need to wise up and realize that the American people want fiscal responsibility and accountability, you self-centered moron." "See, that's exactly what I was talking about," chuckled Cochran. "Now I'm gonna be carrying a grudge against that hot-head, and next time he wants something, he's not gonna get it." "Senator DeMint worked his tail off on this earmark bill," bellowed McCain. "We need something at least as good as the one the House passed." "Try and get a clue, will you?" said Jim DeMint. "I've got a tough re-election bid this year, so of course I'm for earmark reform, and five years from now, maybe I'll be for it again."

Putting people second, or even third

Murray Hill for Congress

The Harkin Proposal

Tom Harkin laughs at his own bill In what will surely go down as the most futile legislative move of the year, Senator Tom Harkin is preparing to introduce a bill that would effectively end the filibuster. "No, no, no," explains Harkin. "It wouldn't end the filibuster, it would modernize the filibuster." Whatever. Harkin's Filibuster Modernization Act would stretch out the process of a filibuster from zero days - zero because filibusters don't ever actually ever happen anymore, only threats of filibusters, at which point everyone just goes back to some semblance of business - to, uh, hold on... let's see, a bill comes up and one side says they're gonna filibuster it, so you vote but don't get 60, so you wait two days and try again needing only 57 this time but you don't get 57, so you wait two days and try again needing only 54 this time but you don't get 54, so you wait two days and try again needing only 51 this time and if you don't get 51 you say 'fuck it, what the hell was I thinking about' but if you do get 51 the bill becomes law. Given the fact that it takes 67 votes to change Senate rules, Harkin's bill has about a snowball's chance in Hell.

no more candy for you, whoever you are

President Obama today signed a bold new directive with the controversial goal of preventing new Federal contracts from being awarded to contractors who are ripping off the government "Somehow, it's become standard practice in Washington to give contracts to companies that don't pay their taxes," Obama said at a ceremony announcing the directive. "What's up with that? According to the GAO there's thousands of these deadbeat companies and instead of being punished, we're giving them more business." The directive, which thankfully does not require congressional approval, has one small flaw: the IRS is not legally permitted to share delinquency information with contracting officials. Dean Zerbe, the Bush-era Senior Tax Counsel for the Senate Finance Committee who specialized in the scrutiny of nonprofit charities, sees bad hoodoo at work. "Pounding for pounding sake on business owners during this tough economy is going to be a job destroyer for business. This is another blow against free enterprise and the God-given right to cheat on your taxes and it just smells like Socialism and besides, the tax laws are confusing and furthermore there's no one at the IRS to answer the phones. Have a cigar." "Obama thought he was gonna pull a fast one on us," chuckled conservative senator Jim DeMint. "Tax data is secret for a reason. I guess the framers of the Constitution must have seen this one coming, cause Obama's got to come to Congress to get that law changed, and I can tell you straight up that we've got forty-one solid votes against that particular invasion of privacy." "Make that forty-two," chimed in Joe Lieberman, "and maybe more. Don't think of this as a partisan issue, Jim. Just because these companies don't pay there taxes, it doesn't mean that they don't make campaign contributions."

ABS

In a strong reversal of course, most House members are now strongly supportive of the use of the technological miracle known as the Airport Body Scan, or ABS for short (cause abs show up really well). Earlier this year, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz successfully inserted an amendment into the House version of the Homeland Security authorization bill which prohibited the use of the futuristic technique from being used as a primary screening tool. A coalition of conservative libertarians and modest liberals helped pass the amendment by an impressive 310 to 118. "I fly on airplanes every three, four days," explained Chaffetz, who is a member of the Later Day Saints, "and I didn't want anybody looking at my secret Mormon underwear. That's a legitimate concern, a Church and State issue." Chaffetz now finds himself in a dwindling minority of House members to speak up for the primacy of his undies in the aftermath of the most audacious attack ever launched against America by a man wearing exploding underpants. "Go ahead and scan me," challenged Michigan congresswoman Michelle Bachman. "I've got nothing to hide, and neither should anybody else in the House, unless they care more about their Fruit of the Looms than they care about national security." "I'm with you all the way, Michelle," chimed in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "If body scans will prevent another attempt on American lives by a terrorist who wants to detonate his drawers, I'll show my Hanes every day of the week." "It's a difficult balance between protecting our civil liberties and protecting the safety of people on airplanes," protested Chaffetz. "But, I believe there's technology out there that can identify bomb-type materials without necessarily overly invading our privacy." "Jason is right," added Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak. "There's some much cheaper technology that can solve this problem. Come on everybody, let's pants the sucker."

your congress at work

California congresswoman Anna Eshoo scored a major legislative coup today when a large bipartisan majority in the House approved her bill requiring television commercials to be no louder than the program on which they're broadcast. "In my 17 years in the House of Representatives," Eshoo tells the LA Times, "I've never carried a bill which has been received with so much enthusiasm." That's pretty sad. I was going to visit her web site to peruse her other accomplishments, but I guess that statement pretty much sums things up. "Don't be such a wiseacre, Mr Hoback," said Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, who is introducing an identical bill in the Senate. "And my bill is not identical to Ms Eshoo's. I call mine the 'Commercial Advertisement Loudness Migration Act of 2009'. Get it? The CALM act. Pretty good, huh?" Senator Whitehouse became annoyed when I suggested that 'Mitigation' would be a much more sensible choice than 'Migration' for the completion of his acronym. "What the hell do you know about the real America, anyway? Are you going to sit there and tell me you've never had the bejesus scared out of you when one of those Miracle Ear ads comes on? Still, I suppose you're right, mitigation is a better choice. I'll propose an amendment when my CALM bill hits the floor." "The thing is, those loud commercials are decreasing the quality of life for millions of Americans. You're sitting there trying to relax after a hard day at work, or God knows, a hard day of looking for work, which can be mighty hard to find right now with unemployment at ten percent. That's a damn shame. Somebody should do something about it. Hey, don't look at me, I'm busy taking care of the American people, who as I said, are sitting there trying to relax, and then all of a sudden the TV is blasting out some lewd advertisement about ExtenZe making your pecker bigger and you spill your drink all over your pants. I've got two kids in the house, and if they have to be exposed to that sort of thing they should at least be exposed to it at a reasonable volume."