Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Kagan survives Sessions

As expected, ranking Republican member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Jeff Sessions came out swinging today at Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, and as expected, Kagan answered him in a way that failed to satisfy him.

Saving his best question for first, Sessions attempted to grill the former Harvard Law School dean on her decision to marginalize military recruiting for a few months by having them hold their events through veteran's organizations.

“I'm confident that the military had access to our students and our students had access to the military throughout my entire deanship,” Kagan replied in a tone so condescending and smarmy that Sessions would have attempted to cite her for contempt of Congress had anyone else noticed.

"She totally disregarded my assumptions," fumed Sessions, the only member of the Judiciary Committee to have his nomination to a District Court rejected. "Such flagrant arrogance is utterly unacceptable unless it's coming from me. And nobody on the Committee even noticed this breach of etiquette because they apparently were too bored. That boorish 'comedian' Al Franken is busy drawing insulting caricatures of me, while Kyl and Cornyn, who I expected to have my back, are both busy pecking away on their Blackberrys. I'm telling you, Elena Kagan is too mind-numbing dull to serve on... Wait a minute, that gives me an idea."

"Ms Kagan, I'm sure that you're aware that you're exceptionally bland, no disrespect intended," Sessions continued, craftily moving on to a new topic. "Some might say that this veneer of blandness is intended to mask an inner core of radicalism that the American people would instinctively reject. Keeping in mind that you're under oath, would you say that this is in fact the case, or are you just really really bland?"

"I would have to say that I'm just really really bland, Senator," Kagan deceptively replied in a way so fraudulently innocent that Sessions' eyeballs momentarily attempted to vacate their sockets. "I don't know what else to say."

"You don't know what to say? How about the truth?"

"Okay. The truth. Happy?"

"Why you smartass young... Mister Chairman, the witness is being sarcastic towards me."

"Huh?" said Senator Leahy, looking up from his crossword. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, but I would remind the Senator that this is a presidential nominee and not a witness, so please try and afford Ms Kagan the respect that she deserves."

"You're just saying that because you're a liberal," muttered Sessions, flipping through the index cards that he hadn't thought he would need. "Let's see... Okay. Ms Kagan, in transcripts of your lectures, we have found an instance where you praised activist Israeli Supreme Court Justice Aharon Barak. Robert Bork has noted, and I quote, If people understood that an American Supreme Court nominee was going to follow the example of Barak, there would be grave misgivings and probably a refusal to confirm. Would you agree with that assessment, or does that question hit too close to home?"

"Jeez Louise, Senator, first off you're quoting Robert Bork, a man who was rejected for the Supreme Court - much the way you were rejected for the District Court, except Bork was a big deal - and secondly, I believe the only reason you're bringing up Barak is that it sounds just like Barack and this is a dog whistle to your supporters down in Alabama. Do you even know who Aharon Barak is?"

"Of course I know who Aharon Barak is, Ms Kagan. He was a judge. On the Supreme Court. In Israel. And according to Judge Bork, he must have had some pretty crazy ideas."

"Well Senator, ask me a question about any of his rulings and I'll try and give you my view on it."

"Okay, there was a case... I don't remember the name of it, but it was something about a Jew... Mister Chairman, witness is battering the prosecutor!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, you made me drop my pencil," grumbled Leahy. "The chair would remind you that you are not a prosecutor, Senator Sessions, and Ms Kagan is not on trial. And by the way, you have time for just one more question."

"Oooh, just you wait until 2012," mumbled Sessions, flipping through his index cards. "Okay, let's get down to business, Ms Kagan. Are you a lesbian?"

"Where?" exclaimed the no-longer snoozing Arlen Specter.


  1. Why 'Sessions'? I see only one Session. And, by the way, did you know the Indo-European root for 'session' is sed-, which meant, 'to sit'?

  2. You have the art of the set-up down. Ha.