The Barbour of DeSpill

"You're not going to see Mississippi turning into one of those crybaby states," Governor Haley Barbour sputtered in between donuts, shortly after BP oil started hitting his state's shoreline. "We appreciate God's blessings, and like I told the Bellingham Times, the Deity has given us a bounty of caramel-colored mousse. Thank you, Lord. Now you can't find that quote anymore cause I had the editor pull it off-line. Not cause it wasn't true, but because a lot of people in Mississippi got it confused with mouse, and the idea of our great state being invaded by caramel colored rodents made some of em a little squeamish. I can understand that, I truly can, but I was referring to the wonderful dessert food known as mousse. I had that once on a trip to Washington D.C., a little conference that President Bush hosted in honor of the southern Republican governors. I've got to be honest, I liked it, I liked it a lot. Not the conference - old George was a wanna be good old boy, not like his brother, who's got it down pretty good - but the mousse. You could eat four or five without filling up. It was creamy, light, and delicious as a sonofabitch, but the fact is, it was also French, which I've got to admit shocked a few of my Dixie colleagues. Not me, I'm a man of the world, but wouldn't you know, the liberal media got a hold of it and then there were the headlines in the blogs - well, I don't guess they count as headlines, do they, they're more like titles - but anyway, they were saying 'Mississippi Governor stuffs his fat face with French food', and I was quite irate. Oops, there I go talking like a fancy pants again, what I mean to say is I was pissed off. Cause the oldest trick in the world is for your political opponents to try and tie you in with the French, there's even a phrase for that, it's called the French connection, and why that might play real nice in Louisiana, with all that Creole blood they got in their population, but it doesn't play so good in Mississippi, so I'd rather not even have my words out there than to have them misconstrued. So what I'm saying is screw that squirrelly sonofabitch Bobby Jindal, and double screw that sonofabitch Charlie Crist, who's not even a Republican governor anymore, the damn Obama hugger. I've been waiting for my turn in the spotlight as the Republican governor of note for some time, and I've already had to suffer from Huckabee stealing my spotlight, and then that raghead Jindal - and I use that term affectionately - tried and failed, and sorry Charlie, you're a man without a party now aren't you? Heh heh heh... Well all I'm saying is that people go to Florida for their beaches, and maybe some people go to Louisiana for their beaches, I dunno, but at least the tourists go to New Orleans, so they get their coasts dirty and it's kind of a great equalizer. Cause what we have in Mississippi is casinos. Maybe we are the poorest state in the nation, but people don't give a good goddang about what your shore looks like when they're rolling those bones, so tourists listen up, our beaches may not be pristine like I said a couple of weeks ago, but our casinos are relatively sanitary, and by executive order they're going to be selling triple drinks for double price until this crisis is over. I'm pretty sure it's okay for me to use our stimulus money that way. Plus I've just signed an executive order saying BP has to pay us for all the oil they suck off our costal waters, and they've got to suck it off cause our socialist president says they do or he'll put his jackboot on their throats. Me, I don't approve, but I'll look the other way for right now. 'Laissez les bon temps rouler' like my neighbor Bobby Jindal used to say, back when he could still mean it. Not that I have any idea what he was talking about, cause of course I don't know French."