Joe Barton, daft wanker

"...and you are quite right, Congressman Waxman, the explosion and fire aboard the Deepwater Horizon never should have happened. Now the oil spill, on the other hand, should have happened, considering that our rig exploded, that's just one of the unsavory consequences of that type of catastrophe - cause and effect, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, I am deeply sorry that it did happen. In fact, my sadness has only grown as the disaster has continued." "Let me just say, Misterr Hayward, that you certainly don't look all that sorrowful with that big grin smeared across your face." "Oh. Was I smiling? I'm dreadfully sorry. It's just that I was thinking about what that last gentleman said, and it momentarily buoyed my spirits. You know, by nature of it's absurdity. Anyway, my apologies for smiling. I'll try not to let it happen again. Sorry." "Are you referring to the remarks of Congressman Barton?" "Indeed I am, sir. I thought that we had some real loons in Parliament, but when he started apologizing to me for the actions of your government against BP, I was completely gobsmacked. I mean, I assumed I was the only person here today who would be asking for forgiveness." "I suppose I can understand your incredulity, Mister Hayward. The fact is, certain of our members will be critical of anything this administration does, but that was over the top even by Congressman Barton's standards. Now if we can return to..." "Please give me just a moment, Congressman Waxman, I fear I'm about to smile again. I can't help it. I keep hearing that voice in my head, indignantly saying that BP was the victim of a 20 billion dollar shakedown." "I don't think anyone here really believes you were the victim of a shakedown, Mister Hayward." "Well, believe it, sir. It was quite the shakedown, the biggest I've ever experienced. I think it was what you call a Chicago-style shakedown. Quite intimidating. I thought, what ho, this bloke truly means business, and trust me, that's something that we all really respect at BP." "Well, uh..." "I suppose the funniest thing that Congressman Barton said was that... No, wait, I just thought of something funnier. The very funniest thing he said was that he didn't want to live in a country where any time a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong they're subject to some sort of political pressure. You've got to admit that was quite daft." "As Chairman of this committee, I'm afraid that it's my duty to ask you to refrain from making fun of any of our members." "Although I can see by your expression that you are in complete agreement with me." "Mister Hayward." "Sorry. Sorry. Very sorry." "Now, when BP first realized the volume of oil that was..." "...just not as sorry as Congressman Barton."