Business As Usual

You don't look well, Tony. You've lost that boyish glow we were all so fond of. You seem exhausted, and it appears as though you slept in your suit. And you're quite visibly tense. You look bad, Tony, and that's not the way we like for our Chief Executive Officer to look.

I'd be lying if I said it hadn't been a rough couple of weeks, Mister Svanberg. A rough couple of months, actually. The very worst period of my tenure here at BP, I'd venture...

Mmmmm...

Well, you know the drill, sir. In front of the cameras every day, answering their redundant questions, and of course they're just waiting for you to trip up so that they can refer to you as a buffoon or an insolent bastard...

To be quite honest, Tony, I don't know the drill. It's not the Chairman's responsibility to be out there on the front lines. But do go on.

I've been reamed quite thoroughly, Mister Svanberg, quite thoroughly indeed. Held up for ridicule and abuse by the Yank's Congress while I was still in weakened condition from being shaken down by President Obama.

Barack Obama strikes me as a rather slight man, Tony. Was it really all that easy for him to have his way with you?

Not Obama personally, sir, you do know that he never even tried to call me. He wasn't about to get his hands dirty on the likes of me, he just watched on as his minions initiated the action...

Now that's a drill I do understand and respect. Still, I suppose it was all quite horrid for you.

Brutal, sir. Those people are thugs. Rahm Emanuel beat me like a red-headed stepchild. They're experts - he left virtually no marks. And Janet Napolitano, well, best I leave it to your imagination, Mister Svanberg...

I'd prefer to have one of the junior VPs imagine it for me, Tony. Nevertheless, that part is over now. They have their ransom, and we've got to get on with things.

And then, to cap off my week, you summoned me back to London with an hours notice, which is why I look a bit rumpled. You know, it's quite hot in New Orleans this time of year...

Mmmmm...

I suppose you were thoroughly disgusted by my rather transparent performance in front of Congress, so I want you to know that I'm fully prepared to tender my resignation.

On the contrary, your performance was top shelf. You did everything our lawyers told you to do. It was an absolutely selfless performance. It's considerably better for us in the long run if the American public can focus their hatred on a single man rather than on the corporation. Five years from now BP will be right back on top of the game.

And I'll be firmly planted in the minds of the public as the face of corporate incompetence and malfeasance...

I suppose that's why we pay you the big bucks, Tony. So no, I'm not going to ask for your resignation as CEO. As a matter of fact, I'd like to reward you for your outstanding performance during this debacle.

Really, sir?

Yes, Tony. I'm giving you your life back. I'm making Bob Dudley point man for cleanup and recovery, and you'll be back behind your desk. Now let's see that boyish smile of yours again.

Oh thank you, sir, thank you so much. It's been a hellish period of my life, but I'm so glad you're pleased with my performance... Gosh, though, you must really hate Bob Dudley to unload the job of point man on him now.

Loathe the man, Tony, almost as much as I despise you. After all, if you had ever thought about it, you would have realized that being point man was the duty of the Chief Operating Officer.