Business As Usual

You don't look well, Tony. You've lost that boyish glow we were all so fond of. You seem exhausted, and it appears as though you slept in your suit. And you're quite visibly tense. You look bad, Tony, and that's not the way we like for our Chief Executive Officer to look.

I'd be lying if I said it hadn't been a rough couple of weeks, Mister Svanberg. A rough couple of months, actually. The very worst period of my tenure here at BP, I'd venture...

Mmmmm...

Well, you know the drill, sir. In front of the cameras every day, answering their redundant questions, and of course they're just waiting for you to trip up so that they can refer to you as a buffoon or an insolent bastard...

To be quite honest, Tony, I don't know the drill. It's not the Chairman's responsibility to be out there on the front lines. But do go on.

I've been reamed quite thoroughly, Mister Svanberg, quite thoroughly indeed. Held up for ridicule and abuse by the Yank's Congress while I was still in weakened condition from being shaken down by President Obama.

Barack Obama strikes me as a rather slight man, Tony. Was it really all that easy for him to have his way with you?

Not Obama personally, sir, you do know that he never even tried to call me. He wasn't about to get his hands dirty on the likes of me, he just watched on as his minions initiated the action...

Now that's a drill I do understand and respect. Still, I suppose it was all quite horrid for you.

Brutal, sir. Those people are thugs. Rahm Emanuel beat me like a red-headed stepchild. They're experts - he left virtually no marks. And Janet Napolitano, well, best I leave it to your imagination, Mister Svanberg...

I'd prefer to have one of the junior VPs imagine it for me, Tony. Nevertheless, that part is over now. They have their ransom, and we've got to get on with things.

And then, to cap off my week, you summoned me back to London with an hours notice, which is why I look a bit rumpled. You know, it's quite hot in New Orleans this time of year...

Mmmmm...

I suppose you were thoroughly disgusted by my rather transparent performance in front of Congress, so I want you to know that I'm fully prepared to tender my resignation.

On the contrary, your performance was top shelf. You did everything our lawyers told you to do. It was an absolutely selfless performance. It's considerably better for us in the long run if the American public can focus their hatred on a single man rather than on the corporation. Five years from now BP will be right back on top of the game.

And I'll be firmly planted in the minds of the public as the face of corporate incompetence and malfeasance...

I suppose that's why we pay you the big bucks, Tony. So no, I'm not going to ask for your resignation as CEO. As a matter of fact, I'd like to reward you for your outstanding performance during this debacle.

Really, sir?

Yes, Tony. I'm giving you your life back. I'm making Bob Dudley point man for cleanup and recovery, and you'll be back behind your desk. Now let's see that boyish smile of yours again.

Oh thank you, sir, thank you so much. It's been a hellish period of my life, but I'm so glad you're pleased with my performance... Gosh, though, you must really hate Bob Dudley to unload the job of point man on him now.

Loathe the man, Tony, almost as much as I despise you. After all, if you had ever thought about it, you would have realized that being point man was the duty of the Chief Operating Officer.

just rewards

"Excuse me, Miss, you're not supposed to come into this office unannounced. Can I help you?" "No, but I believe I can help you... And I'm unannounced because I'm supposed to be a surprise." "I'm kind of weary of surprises lately, so if you would just..." "Look. I've got a pass." "And so you do. BP, All Access. What the devil is this all about, Miss, uh..." "Buttocks. Regina Buttocks, but you can call me Gina, Mister President. All my friends do." "Well, since we're not friends, I'll just call you Miss Buttocks. That... That's not your real name, is it?" "That's what it says on my pass, and that's what it says on my passport. I'm sure you've heard of my father, Lord Reginald Buttocks of Manchester, as well as my uncle Percival Buttocks from Lloyds of London." "No, I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with the entire Buttocks dynasty." "That's perfectly okay, Mister President. Anyway, I'm here at the behest of Tony Hayward, who I must confess is quite eager to remain in your good graces. He asked me to pay you a visit as a sort of peace offering." "I'm afraid I don't follow." "Mister Hayward heard that you were eager to kick someone's ass, and he thought that you might get pleasure out of kicking mine. I am a junior Vice President at British Petroleum, after all. Plus there's the additional irony factor of kicking a Buttocks." "That irony is not lost on me, Regina, and I might add to it by noting that you don't really have a lot of booty to kick." "That's true... Maybe you'd prefer to spank me instead." "I don't even spank my own daughters." "Forgive me for pointing out that this is quite a bit different. Go ahead, you'll enjoy it." "There are many things in life that I might enjoy, but I'm trying my best to maintain the dignity of the office." "Mister Hayward always says that dignity is best maintained through discipline. So go ahead, I deserve it. I've been such a bad girl... Well, no I haven't, not technically, but as an authorized embodiment of the tragic missteps made by my employer, I am ripe for punishment." "Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to decline. Hey, don't start crying, you followed your assignment honorably and... Come on, it's nothing personal. Look, if I gave you a tongue lash... If I gave you a verbal ass kicking, would that help?" "It might..." "Okay... You are essentially correct in your assertion that you have been a bad girl." "A very bad girl." "A very bad girl. You've put the entire ecosystem of one of the most vital parts of America in severe danger from which it may not recover for a generation." "Those poor pelicans..." "Those poor pelicans, indeed, not to mention the dolphins and every other living creature in the Gulf. And you've destroyed the livelihoods of thousands who make their living from the Gulf..." "Oh no..." "...harvesting the bounty of shrimp, oysters and other delicious seafood that feeds American families." "The little shrimpies... Waaaahh..." "You blatantly lied about your technical capabilities and then when disaster struck, you lied about it's extent. You've caused the worst ecological disaster in American history." "I did, I did, wuh huh huh huh..." "And you took Tony Hayward's life away from him." "Waaaaaaaahh, bluh bluh bluh waaaaaahh..." "Okay. That's all I've got to say." "That's it? Very good, then. Do you feel at all better now, Mister President?" "Oddly enough, Regina, I feel reinvigorated." "Excellent. I suppose my work here is done, in that case. I'll be on my way now." "Thank you, Regina, and give my regards to Mister Hayward."

slander

Stock for British Petroleum has hit it's lowest price in a year, tumbling from 58 dollars per share before their massive oil spill to just over 42 dollars today. "It serves them right," laughed Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "Ha, I bet that'll knock their earnings per share down to the five dollar level. Yeah, well tough. I'd get kind of a thrill if their profits don't even exceed five billion this quarter. Although I couldn't help but notice that analysts are calling them a good buy right now. But you're not going to see me investing in them, no siree, and not just because it would be a conflict of interest. Well, mostly that, I guess." CEO Tony Hayward is furious about the decline in corporate profitability, but reluctantly admits that there's only one entity to blame - the United State government. "We're preparing a harassment suit right now to get the Feds off our back," says Hayward. "It's simply obscene the way they've treated us. You've got the president of the United States talking about putting a boot heel on our throat and all but calling us incompetent. That's slander. How are we supposed to get any work done with people constantly breathing down our neck? I tend to agree with that Rand Paul chap, Obama's talk against BP is downright un-American." "Give me a break," said Napolitano, "I don't understand why Rand Paul is even a part of this conversation. These bozos are playing for time with their metal hats and their junk shots, and now even their ineffectual giant straw is getting clogged up. I heard their spokesman say today that they were only sucking up a thousand barrels a day now. I've got news for you BP - you suck a whole lot more than that." "See, that's precisely the sort of attitude I was talking about," fumed Hayward. "Bloody outrageous. If I may once again quote Mr Paul, a gentleman who can certainly expect to find his campaign coffer well filled this year, it’s part of this blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be someone’s fault. That's so unfair. Shame on you, Washington, for all your childish finger pointing... I guess the only positive to come out of this is the fact that even though there's a moratorium on deep water drilling, their letting us go ahead with two 'relief wells'. Relief wells, hee hee. I suppose that at the very least, our shareholders will be relieved." "Oooh, I really hate these guys," muttered Napolitano.

Grasping at straws

As Carol Burnett memorably said, "comedy is tragedy plus time," so there is no doubt that the day will come when British Petroleum's Gulf debacle will translate into pure comedy gold. John Oliver would be perfect as hapless CEO Tony Hayward, fretting over his job security while sheepishly admitting that BP may have made some minor mistakes. But not to worry, even about the possible tarnishing of the corporate reputation. According to Hayward, British Petroleum (much like Goldman Sachs) will "emerge stronger" from the crisis. "For sure we will fix it, it's simply a matter of time," says Captain Optimism. "Clearly, the sooner the better. But we will fix it, that's certain. We will be judged and I will be judged personally and by the quality of the response. It's inevitable." Oh yes, fix it they shall, and if they shan't, well there's got to be a finite amount of oil down that hole, doesn't there? Seriously, somebody give me a grant to commence working on a screenplay, there are scenes that are screaming out to be birthed on film - the enormous metal 'hat' followed by the tiny metal hat, the golf ball and old tire scenario, and now, the giant straw. Anyone who has seen 'There Will Be Blood' will be intimately familiar with the milkshake drinking prowess of the giant straw, so who can doubt that inserting a six inch diameter, mile long tube into a 21 inch diameter gushing pipe will drink that oil, literally drink it up? I guess I do, although people tell me that I'm cynical. But here's hoping for the best. And, here's hoping that when the movie is made, the protagonist treats Hayward with the simple grace that Daniel Day Lewis showed Paul Dano.