Monday, May 24, 2010


Stock for British Petroleum has hit it's lowest price in a year, tumbling from 58 dollars per share before their massive oil spill to just over 42 dollars today.

"It serves them right," laughed Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "Ha, I bet that'll knock their earnings per share down to the five dollar level. Yeah, well tough. I'd get kind of a thrill if their profits don't even exceed five billion this quarter. Although I couldn't help but notice that analysts are calling them a good buy right now. But you're not going to see me investing in them, no siree, and not just because it would be a conflict of interest. Well, mostly that, I guess."

CEO Tony Hayward is furious about the decline in corporate profitability, but reluctantly admits that there's only one entity to blame - the United State government.

"We're preparing a harassment suit right now to get the Feds off our back," says Hayward. "It's simply obscene the way they've treated us. You've got the president of the United States talking about putting a boot heel on our throat and all but calling us incompetent. That's slander. How are we supposed to get any work done with people constantly breathing down our neck? I tend to agree with that Rand Paul chap, Obama's talk against BP is downright un-American."

"Give me a break," said Napolitano, "I don't understand why Rand Paul is even a part of this conversation. These bozos are playing for time with their metal hats and their junk shots, and now even their ineffectual giant straw is getting clogged up. I heard their spokesman say today that they were only sucking up a thousand barrels a day now. I've got news for you BP - you suck a whole lot more than that."

"See, that's precisely the sort of attitude I was talking about," fumed Hayward. "Bloody outrageous. If I may once again quote Mr Paul, a gentleman who can certainly expect to find his campaign coffer well filled this year, it’s part of this blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be someone’s fault. That's so unfair. Shame on you, Washington, for all your childish finger pointing... I guess the only positive to come out of this is the fact that even though there's a moratorium on deep water drilling, their letting us go ahead with two 'relief wells'. Relief wells, hee hee. I suppose that at the very least, our shareholders will be relieved."

"Oooh, I really hate these guys," muttered Napolitano.


  1. You possess, Mr. Hoback, what is called a 'fevered imagination'. Are you allergic to aspirin? I hope so.

  2. Mark, this is really disturbing.
    I thot this fucker had been arrested for criminal negligence, and here he is carping in public and relieving his shareholders. The next thing you know he'll be blowing (as in fellatio) Rand Paul's blowout-preventer on teevee.

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