The Breakfast Club, The Prequel

...and that's why I think the financial reform bill is ill-conceived. I think it is going to make credit harder for the American people to get. That's the reason I think it ought to be repealed...

Hear, hear!

Where, where? Oh... Sorry Mister Blankfein, for a moment there I thought we were under attack... Of course we are under attack by an administration hell bent on overturning everything that makes our country unique. House Democrats gave President Obama every dollar, every tax hike, every 'stimulus' program, and every government takeover he asked for...

Of course it could be argued that an effective Minority Leader might have been able to prevent that. Maybe what we need is some new blood... some 'Young Guns', available September 14th.

Now some might say to me, hold on, Boehner, the bill just passed, although the meager 60-39 margin is proof positive that this is not legislation the American people want. So the time to fight for repeal is now, and I'm proud to be a quick draw.

A young gun can beat a quick draw any day of the week, old man.

Ah, the impetuousness of youth... But I don't know about calling yourself a young gun, Eric. Aren't you approaching the big five-oh?

I'm only 47. As of June.

I suppose that might be relevant if we were talking about dog years. At any rate, as I was saying, the wrong sort of financial reform will have the effect of making Woof woof! Woof! Woof woof woof!

Whoa! Did you make him do that, Mister Blankfein?

Indeed I did, young Eric. I just stick my hand up his ass where the control panel is planted and work him like a puppet. Watch this.

The market needs to be unfettered so great corporations like Goldman Sachs can grow and prosper. I love Goldman Sachs. Buy their stock, America, so we can lift them even higher.

Wow! He didn't even move his lips. Do you think I could try that?

Indeed you may, young Eric. Here, have a go at it.

Folks, I want to tell you about a great new book available September 17. It's 'Young Guns' by my young hero Eric Cantor. It's a blueprint for for the nation, fresh new ideas on how to restore America, not stale old ideas like the ones that fall out of my mouth.

Oh... Excellent.

Hey, Lloyd. What's up? You guys got your hands up Boehner's ass?

Indeed we do, Mister Hayward. Do you have any special requests?

Maybe a few kind words for BP. And do you know that teapot song? I'm rather partial to that.

BP is beyond petroleum, it's more than just a slogan. They make the day a little better.. I'm a little teapot short and stout, lift me up and pour me out... Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another one.

Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!

I seem to have lost my train of thought, but I guess it's okay... Everybody's cheering...

I've got to say that was pretty fantastic, Mister Blankfein. Still, I've got to wonder - isn't that extremely painful?

Keep striving for that leadership position, young Eric, and I'm sure you'll find out soon enough.

Blankfein's revenge

"Lu ah uh ace. Oo ain ell ih i aufie ow owlie." It was a strange statement coming from Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, so I politely asked him to repeat it. "Lu ah uh ace. Oo ain ell ih i aufie ow owlie." Apparently, I had heard him correctly the first time. Puzzled, I turned to his ever present aide, Smitty. "He said 'Look at my face. You can't tell if I'm laughing or scowling'. It's true, you can't. To most of the world, he's inscrutable," explained Smitty, a dark, statuesque woman of around forty. "I can tell, of course. I just can't tell you." In a sign that the much maligned Financial Reform Bill may be less ineffectual than many liberals believe, Wall Street has begun to punish Democrats by giving them far less bribe money than they usually proffer. Indeed, at this point in the election cycle, the big bankers have paid out less than 9 million to the DNC, down 65% from the same period in 2008. "That bill was quite hurtful," says Smitty, a wisp of a smile momentarily flickering across her lips. "It was mean spirited, and it caused our lawyers to work a lot of late nights, calculating the implications and figuring out how to bypass them. At this point, we still see a possible impact to our bottom line of two to three percent. That may not sound like much to you but to put it in perspective, that works out to about thirty times what we've given to both parties combined since the golden years of Reagan, money that will end up coming out of the pockets of our stockholders." "Ang fu uh oopows," said the voice emanating from behind Blankfein's hand. "He said 'Thanks for the loopholes'," translated Smitty. "Mister Blankfein is well aware of the fact that the financial situation in this country has caused some members of Congress to feel compelled to take certain symbolic actions. Still, we do wish there had been more loopholes, and larger ones as well. Such a slight cannot be ignored, and yet we feel the need to maintain a civil dialogue, so it puts us in a bit of a quandary. Our solution is not to entirely cease giving donations; that would imply that the process was broken. It's much better that we continue our payouts but to make them insultingly small, keeping the candidates in that limbo between resentful and grateful." "Mmm, mmm," said Blankfein, hurriedly scratching out a note with his Montblanc Diamante on cream colored paper and handing it to his assistant. "Mister Blankfein wishes to say that there will be no more fund raising parties until after the election," said Smitty, quickly scanning the note. "He'll reevaluate the situation next spring. And there's a personal note... 'You know that lavish diamond necklace that I gave Senator Gillibrand last month? Well, take a closer look, Kirsten, it's cubic zirconia'."

Cheney's Katrina

by Mike Allen "Hey Mike, the siren is going off on the CheneyCam." Those were words that I had not heard since shortly after Christmas, when the former Vice President granted Politico an exclusive look into his views of Obama's failed leadership in the war on terror. I feared that I had been insufficiently transparent in my somewhat visible display of disagreement with certain of Mr. Cheney's harsher statements, but for this I accept no blame. I have the body language of a reporter, and Cheney has the eye's of an eagle. He could read me like a prospectus. I switched on the machine labeled CheneyCam. God, Windows 7 is slow. I feared the Veep would give up on me before I ever got to the welcome screen. Our damnable company policy called for powering everything off before leaving the office, and I had officially gone along like a docile sheep. Well, no more. A good reporter never risks a story over wasted time, and I vowed that from this day on, CheneyCam would stay on. The oddly asymmetrical face of Lynn Cheney stared back at me, a look of utter disgust beaming from her eyes. "You made me wait," she said, clipping every word. Oh yeah, I though, what if I had the day off or was out of the office, what about that? You'd really have to wait then, wouldn't you? Hoping that she couldn't read my mind, I modified that last thought to 'You'd really have to wait then, wouldn't you, bitch'. "You're such a nice reporter, always taking your dictation so earnestly," the Cheney-girl said, softening. "But you really shouldn't make me wait. Daddy always knows when you're in the office. And now, I have something important that I want to talk to you about." I grabbed my pad and pencil, a good reporter's most important tools "There is some dangerous talk going around town, Allen. Poisonous talk. Maybe you've heard it." I was all ears. "Certain liberal interests, in order to protect our socialist president and his hatred of American exceptionalism, are beginning to call the BP spill 'Cheney's Katrina'. Can you imagine? Not Obama's Katrina, which is the obvious parallel, not even Bush's Second Katrina, which would be the usual modus operandi, but Cheney's Katrina. Crazy talk. Listen to this... 'Cheney bows down to his Superior Being, the AntiChrist, the Corporation British Petroleum and receives for his labors a crude oil begrimed halo... Could it be so glorious? This great victory? The total victory of corporate will over mere, feeble, mortal humanity'. This is coming not just from the little pimples like the Daily Kos, it's beginning to resonate with columnists for the New York Times and Washington Post." "Wow, that was some prose," I replied. Well, you know those columnists, they're paid to create controversy. Just as long as the papers haven't been saying that in their editorials, you're probably okay. Now on the other hand, I think the point that they're making is that your father's secret deals with the oil companies may have led to some of the lax..." "Silence. Do you want me to..." "Hey Liz, you got the Politico guy on that computer thing, uh, the webcam yet?" Maddeningly, I would never have the choice of deciding whether or not I wished for Lynn Cheney to do whatever it was she had on her mind, for at that moment the huge and snarling face of her father replaced her, filling the screen. I could see his pores. "You don't have to sit so close to the camera, daddy. Remember what I told you, it's right there on the monitor." "Now listen, Allen, I've got something to say about the way Obama is handling this Gulf situation," said the giant Dick head. "I've been thinking about leadership and I've been thinking about modern history. Modern history is the proper context because of the things that our founding fathers didn't have - underwater oil wells and nukes. If they had, and a giant oil spill threatened the Chesapeake Bay, I have little doubt that Thomas Jefferson would have elected to nuke the leak. And if he wouldn't, screw him, what the hell did he know about the oil industry anyway. The thing is, our corporate giants are the new founding fathers, in a manner of speaking. All I'm saying is, who's your daddy?" "You are, daddy." "That's very nice, Liz. Allen, right now we've got a boy for our president, and he is not helping his daddy. Tony Hayward needs a little nuclear help and Obama is not giving it to him. Yesterday I was watching 'Forbes on FOX' and everyone of those distinguished panelist thought that nukes were the way to go. As Rick Karlgaard put it, "We might as well look at something with an 80 percent success rate according to the Russian." That man knows his modern history. The Russians have nuked oil spills five times, four of them successfully. If it doesn't work out, who cares? The gulf is ruined anyway, and I hate seafood." "The point is, that well is not just gushing oil, it's gushing money, and if our boy president isn't willing to use all available resources to stop it, I don't think British Petroleum owes this country another red penny." It was hard to argue with the old oilman's impeccable logic, and so I didn't. After all, the gulf was already ruined, and I don't like seafood either. Instead I chose to use my token question by asking the former Vice President how he dealt with the outrage he must feel over hearing this disaster being labeled as Cheney's Katrina. "Outrage?" he chuckled, before ending the conversation. "Hell, I thought I should have gotten credit for the first one."

Battle of the Bucks

Meg Whitman has taken a commanding lead in the big money race for the Republican gubernatorial primary, spending her $80 millionth buck before the calendar even hit June. Analysts ascribe this not to her campaign's fundraising ability, but to billionaire former eBay CEO Whitman's willingness to spend whatever it takes to have a shot at her crazy dream. So far, her own contributions to her campaign have been $68 million dollars. "I don't know why, I just want it," says Whitman. "I've been into the whole politics thing since, well, remember when John McCain ran for president? Not the first time, the time when he won. I mean the time he won the Republican nomination. I've been into politics since then. Before that I was really busy at eBay. Anyway, that was when McCain was talking about making me Secretary of the Treasury, and of course that didn't work out, but I've been just crazy about politics ever since. So when they announced that California was going to have a new governor, I was right there with my checkbook in hand. I thought, shoot, I'd be running against Jerry Brown, and he doesn't have any money, so all I'd have to do would be win the primary. Then some rich guy got into the race." That particular rich guy would be Steve Poizner, who made his own personal fortune by putting GPS receivers into cell phones. Poizner has spent about $24 million of his own dollars, but has recently been doubling down, causing Whitman to triple down. "The one thing that I learned at eBay is that everything has a price, and while Mr. Poizner is an extremely wealthy man, I'm an obscenely wealthy woman. If that shyster thinks he can just come here and buy an election, then he's got a thing or two to learn," hisses Whitman. "California is not for sale. The auction is over. The bidding is closed... God, this is so much harder than it was supposed to be."

slander

Stock for British Petroleum has hit it's lowest price in a year, tumbling from 58 dollars per share before their massive oil spill to just over 42 dollars today. "It serves them right," laughed Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "Ha, I bet that'll knock their earnings per share down to the five dollar level. Yeah, well tough. I'd get kind of a thrill if their profits don't even exceed five billion this quarter. Although I couldn't help but notice that analysts are calling them a good buy right now. But you're not going to see me investing in them, no siree, and not just because it would be a conflict of interest. Well, mostly that, I guess." CEO Tony Hayward is furious about the decline in corporate profitability, but reluctantly admits that there's only one entity to blame - the United State government. "We're preparing a harassment suit right now to get the Feds off our back," says Hayward. "It's simply obscene the way they've treated us. You've got the president of the United States talking about putting a boot heel on our throat and all but calling us incompetent. That's slander. How are we supposed to get any work done with people constantly breathing down our neck? I tend to agree with that Rand Paul chap, Obama's talk against BP is downright un-American." "Give me a break," said Napolitano, "I don't understand why Rand Paul is even a part of this conversation. These bozos are playing for time with their metal hats and their junk shots, and now even their ineffectual giant straw is getting clogged up. I heard their spokesman say today that they were only sucking up a thousand barrels a day now. I've got news for you BP - you suck a whole lot more than that." "See, that's precisely the sort of attitude I was talking about," fumed Hayward. "Bloody outrageous. If I may once again quote Mr Paul, a gentleman who can certainly expect to find his campaign coffer well filled this year, it’s part of this blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be someone’s fault. That's so unfair. Shame on you, Washington, for all your childish finger pointing... I guess the only positive to come out of this is the fact that even though there's a moratorium on deep water drilling, their letting us go ahead with two 'relief wells'. Relief wells, hee hee. I suppose that at the very least, our shareholders will be relieved." "Oooh, I really hate these guys," muttered Napolitano.

Grasping at straws

As Carol Burnett memorably said, "comedy is tragedy plus time," so there is no doubt that the day will come when British Petroleum's Gulf debacle will translate into pure comedy gold. John Oliver would be perfect as hapless CEO Tony Hayward, fretting over his job security while sheepishly admitting that BP may have made some minor mistakes. But not to worry, even about the possible tarnishing of the corporate reputation. According to Hayward, British Petroleum (much like Goldman Sachs) will "emerge stronger" from the crisis. "For sure we will fix it, it's simply a matter of time," says Captain Optimism. "Clearly, the sooner the better. But we will fix it, that's certain. We will be judged and I will be judged personally and by the quality of the response. It's inevitable." Oh yes, fix it they shall, and if they shan't, well there's got to be a finite amount of oil down that hole, doesn't there? Seriously, somebody give me a grant to commence working on a screenplay, there are scenes that are screaming out to be birthed on film - the enormous metal 'hat' followed by the tiny metal hat, the golf ball and old tire scenario, and now, the giant straw. Anyone who has seen 'There Will Be Blood' will be intimately familiar with the milkshake drinking prowess of the giant straw, so who can doubt that inserting a six inch diameter, mile long tube into a 21 inch diameter gushing pipe will drink that oil, literally drink it up? I guess I do, although people tell me that I'm cynical. But here's hoping for the best. And, here's hoping that when the movie is made, the protagonist treats Hayward with the simple grace that Daniel Day Lewis showed Paul Dano.

The Three Corporate Stooges

[pic: New York Times] Lamar McKay (BP), Steve Newman (Transocean), and Tim Probert (Halliburton) simultaneously seek permission to go to the bathroom. Representative Bart Stupak, head of the House Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations - which is currently hearing testimony on the massive Gulf Coast oil disaster - has revealed the probable cause for the spill. "I don't know for sure," said Stupak, "so I'm just making a wild-eyed guess here, just speculating, thinking off the top of my head, maybe blowing smoke here, probably talking out of my ass, but could it be... the blowout preventer?" The WaPo is reporting that a review of the blowout preventer found that it "had a dead battery in its control pod, leaks in its hydraulic system, a 'useless' test version of one of the devices that was supposed to close the flow of oil and a cutting tool that wasn't strong enough to shear through joints that made up 10 percent of the drill pipe." "I'm just a layman, so don't take my word as gospel," Stupak astutely continued, directing his comments to the combined brainpower of the three corporate stooges in charge, "but it sure seems to me that you gentlemen allowed one real piece-of-crap blowout preventer to be attached to this rig. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can't even check out the battery?" Lamar McKay of BP and Steve Newman of Transocean, jointly in charge of maintenance, swiftly swiveled face to face in an attempt to deflect blame, inadvertently poking each other in the eye. Tim Probert of Halliburton used the brief disturbance as an opportunity to check whether he still had Dick Cheney's number on his cell phone. Other testimony cited a startling document committee investigators had uncovered: a Transocean analysis of the blowout preventer that BP had called fail-safe. It revealed that there were 260 different failure-modes that would necessitate it's removal. "How can a device that has 260 failure modes be considered fail-safe?" Stupak asked incredulously. "Oh wait, silly me, I forgot there was a Cheney connection in all this." McKay shouted 'Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk' as Newman bonked himself of the top of the head and Probert hit speed dial.

miracle at sea

British Petroleum has shifted into celebration mode after engineers today successfully capped one of the three leaks that have been spewing thousands of gallons of black gold into the Gulf of Mexico. In a miracle of technology, submersible robots (which don't look anything like what your imagining) managed to attach a specially designed valve over the fault. "Marvelous, just marvelous," said BP spokesman John Curry. "I believe that we've earned a 'jolly good' and a nice pat on the back." Curry admits that the capping does nothing to diminish the flow of over 200,000 gallons of oil that is flooding the Gulf each day, but his enthusiasm is undiminished. "First, and this is a relatively minor matter, I'd like to quibble with you over your choice of words. You see, one does not flood the ocean. That's a bit of a non-sequitur, don't you think? One may add something to the ocean, or one may mix something into it, but flooding, never. But all that aside, this does enable to us to make progress, to winnow down the focus from three leaks to two. And it only took us fifteen days. I'd call that something to crow about." Champagne corks popped and backs were indeed patted in the ritzy executive offices of British Petroleum in London as news of the miraculous fix came gushing in. "Gushing in is a rather poor choice of words, don't you think," quipped BP CEO Tony Hayward. "Still, I'll take your congratulations in the spirit it was offered. Here, have a cigar." Hayward went on to announce an immediate special bonus for all top executives "for the foresight and wisdom they've shown in hiring such splendid engineers." He even intimated that the engineers themselves "might find a little something extra in their pay envelopes, that is, if they can turn this into a triple play." Although the cost has been enormous, and is continuing to mount, Hayward denies being overly concerned. "There's no use in crying over spilt milk, if you'll allow me my small joke. It's not as though we don't have other wells and other oil to sell you. And as a gesture of good will, we're going to let you keep this for absolutely no charge.".

an unworied man

Reeling from weeks of negative publicity, Goldman Sachs today announced that it was swooning all the way to the bank with first quarter profits doubling from a year ago to 3.3 billion dollars. "I guess that eases the pain a little bit," said CEO Lloyd Blankfein. "Just kidding, we were never in any pain to begin with. Obviously, with profits like these, I must be doing something right. Still, it is hurtful to have the federal government say all these mean things about us. Just kidding. My friend Mitch told me that if they take any punitive action against me, the GOP will scream bloody murder about Socialist market interference. I told him not to worry about it, the worst they could fine us for would be a few million. Three words - petty cash drawer. Besides, I'd rather have the Democrats in charge anyway. Their fines cost us a lot less than the 'donations' the Republican hit us up for. But nix nox, it's all good." Blankfein is not overly concerned about the White House calling out Goldman Sachs for defrauding investors in a scheme so insidiously cynical that it makes Medicare scams look like happy talk by comparison. "What, me worry? Have you met my new lawyer, Gregory Craig? His last job was working for that fellow, oh, what's his name... Barack Obama. Gregory's got an amazing speed dial list. Nah, the only thing that gives me any pause is the possibility that Goldman Sachs might need somebody to fall on their sword to help out public relations. And as the guy in charge, that would be me. I mean, if that happened, who would hire me then?" "I would," shouted Morgan Stanley. "Ditto," chimed in Citigroup.

hard times all around

Citing a sharp decrease in his personal fourth quarter earnings, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein told guests at his annual Superbowl party that he only had enough cash on hand to buy a small pizza and a few cases of 1990 vintage Cristal. Apologizing for the fact that Elvis Costello would be the sole half-time performer, Blankfein explained that he had blown most of the party's entertainment budget by hiring the 2009 Philadelphia Eagles to work as servers, believing at the time that they would "work a hell of a lot cheaper after their humiliating losses to the Dallas Cowboys." In related ridiculous news, I bring you today's New York Times: Once again, a bonus at Goldman Sachs has all of Wall Street talking - only this time, over how small it is. After weeks of intense speculation, Goldman Sachs disclosed late Friday that its chief executive, Lloyd C. Blankfein, would receive an annual bonus valued at $9 million... And it's even worse than it sounds, cause last year, when Goldman collapsed, he didn't get no bonus at all! And this years bonus is all in deferred stock which he can't sell for five years! And his base salary is only $600,000 plus perks! So unless he has something left from his $68 million bonus from '07, the poor man is practically running on fumes. "It takes a lot of the oxygen out of the argument that Goldman’s top of the house is overpaid," said Brian Foley, an independent compensation consultant in White Plains. "For running an organization that big, and bringing it through the way he did, nine million is not a lot of money." Isn't it nice to know that things are rough all over?

legal fiction

"If it is not necessary to decide more, it is necessary not to decide more." - Chief Justice John Roberts, a long time ago, via Ruth Marcus Because it actually is a little-understood concept, we need to discuss the idea of a corporation as a person. (Difficult is the word I initially used, but it's really not that hard to grasp). The first thing that you learn in a business law class are the three basic forms of organization - a sole proprietorship (a pimp, for example) where you have all of the liability, debts and profits; a partnership (an escort service, for example) where you share all the liability, debts and profits; and a corporation (a whorehouse, for example) where for all practical purposes you don't even actually exist. How many times have you heard about a Donald Trump enterprise going bankrupt? And yet, there he stands, proud and tall, canonized on the Church of Television with willing submissives queuing up in the wings. This is because The Donald knows how to incorporate. It's easy, and depending on which state you incorporate in, it only costs a few hundred dollars. And as opposed to the sole proprietorship or partnership, when a Trump hotel or casino or whorehouse goes bankrupt, The Donald is unphased because The Donald is untouched. In other words, The Trump Plaza Hotel contains no actual Trump. This is meant as an introduction as to why a corporation is legally a person. You need someone to sue (and in turn, someone who can sue you). Let's say that you were putting up a satellite dish on a penthouse at the Plaza Hotel in 1994 and you leaned against a balcony rail after you completed your hard labor and the rail broke and you plunged to the street and shattered your spine. Well, you sure as shit couldn't sue The Donald. Legally, he doesn't even exist in this scenario. But you could sue the Plaza Hotel, take all it's assets, and make The Donald, who includes it amongst his holdings, very sad (not really, but this is just an example). Let's say, for purposes of this example, that The Donald has one hundred million billion dollars but the corporation he controls which in turn controls the Plaza Hotel only has a net worth of a dollar ninety-nine. Well, a dollar ninety-nine is about as much as you're going to get, minus legal expenses. So much for our example. The corporations that we are interested in are much bigger than The Donald's, albeit not nearly as parody worthy. Bank of America, Exxon Mobil, UnitedHealth Group, they all strive towards one goal - maximizing profits. This is not a good thing or a bad thing, it's an amoral thing. Unless you are a shareholder, or are demonstrably damaged by the corporation, it's not about you. If you must interact with UnitedHealth Group, you don't ever really interact with CEO Stephen Hemsley, you interact with the entity know as UnitedHealth Group. Stephen is just a well-paid representative of the corporate person, and he has limited liability regarding any actions that the corporate person may take, even if he's the one that makes it dance. Corporate personhood falls into the category of 'legal fiction', which are facts created and defined by courts. In the 1886 Supreme Court case 'Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad', the court reporter's summary included the following: "The court does not wish to hear argument on the question whether the provision in the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, applies to these corporations. We are all of the opinion that it does." Here is a fascinating little tidbit - the court itself never addressed the issue of fourteenth amendment protection in their ruling. So here we are in 2010 with the Roberts Supreme Court activist ruling that limiting a corporation's political spending is a violation of it's protected free speech, an issue that no one had asked them to rule on. And what an utterly bizarre decision, although it shouldn't be surprising coming from a court even more radical than the one that selected our 43rd president, This is clearly insane, the legal fiction made flesh. In reality, a corporation is not a person, it has no opinions or beliefs beyond the directives of it's officers, and those directives most frequently are to optimize the bottom line. Bereft of restrictions, they will only seek to serve themselves at the expense of all those who refuse to serve them. To repeat myself, this is not a good thing or a bad thing, it's an amoral thing, just like cancer. But to allow corporations unfettered access to the control of the government reveals a deep cynicism towards the institution formerly known as democracy. The Supreme Court has sold us all out, and in corporate America, they have limited liability.

CORPORATE OVERLORDS VICTORIOUS!

In what can only be described as rockin' good news for our corporate overlords, the Supreme Court today ruled that henceforth from this day on there will no longer be Kremlin-like restrictions on the amount of money corporations may spend for the election or defeat of a political candidate. The decision finally puts to an end years of brutal repression of America's most important citizens, at long last restoring free speech to those who truly have only their own best interests at heart. "So many of our citizens seem to have forgotten that corporations are people, too," Chief Justice Roberts said when announcing the 5-4 decision. "And as people they have certain inalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of political power. Because what is economic power without political power? An empty shell, that's all, hardly what five of us on the court would call freedom. All over the world it's so easy to see, people everywhere just want to be free." "Listen people, listen, that's the way it should be," added Clarence Thomas. "Peace in the valley, people got to be free." "Well, this cheers me up a little," said Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillison. "We've been under the yoke of The Man for so many years that I don't even know how we'll react to this new found freedom... Nah, just kidding, guess we'll go buy ourselves some new politicians." "This is such a relief," sighed UnitedHealth Group CEO Stephen Hemsley. "For so many years now we've had to steal elections rather buy them, and even though it's been born of necessity, it just make us feel kind of dirty. Gosh, I've got to tell you, I'm so exhilarated that I wish there was an election right away." "They're closer than you think," chuckled Goldman Sachs CEO Lloy Blankfein. "You want to talk about relief? Just this morning Obama announced that he's planning new restrictions on our bread and butter - our valuable high risk investments. What a nightmare. For him, that is. Because now we're free to buy us a whole new Congress that will support whatever we pay them to support. It's like I can at last breath again." "I feel like such a fool," said a glum Carly Fiorina, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard. "Here I stand, having made the utterly stupid mistake of deciding to run for the Senate against Barbara Boxer. If I had just kept the faith and stayed at Hewlett-Packard a little longer, I could have bought Barbara Boxer instead of competing against her. Oh well, at least I'm glad that the political process is once again out of the hands of the people and back with the corporations where it belongs."

Corporations are people too!


Johnny Roberts & the Fortune 500 - 'People Got To Be Free'

Blackwater charges dismissed

DC Federal Judge Ricardo Urbina has thrown out all charges against the five Blackwater mercenaries accused of running amuck in the streets of Iraq in 2007. The men shot and killed seventeen civilians, and wounded twenty-seven others. In their defense, they claimed that someone had shouted disparaging words at them. "Disparaging words were used, and dirty looks were given," said Judge Urbina, "but that is not the reason this case is being dismissed. The plain and simple fact is that Blackwater no longer exists, and ipso facto, there are no longer any Blackwater mercenaries. It's crazy, I tell ya, but rest assured that if this case had reached me before Blackwater changed their name to Xe Services, I would have thrown the book at these bad boys." Many Iraqis were unpleasantly surprised by the decision, particularly those who are still among the living. "I'm miffed," said Sami Hawas, a paralyzed former taxi driver who was shot in the back during the incident. "Very aggravated. My understanding of corporate law is limited, however, and I suppose that if these men were released on a technicality, that's just the way it goes. Still, it doesn't seem quite fair." "Of course people are not going to like it because they believe these individuals conducted some violence and should be punished for it,” said General Ray Odierno, the American commander in Iraq. “But the bottom line is, using the rule of law, the evidence obviously was not there, or was collected illegally, or the company changed their name, or whatever. It's always something. But it’s a lesson in the rule of law." Ali Khalaf, who is a policeman that was on duty during the incident, also describes himself as somewhat displeased by the ruling. "What can we say?" he asks. "They killed people. They probably gave a bribe to get released. This is their own American court system. I ask you, if this had happened to Americans, what would be the result?" "Let me reply to Mr Khalaf," responded Nevada inmate O. J. Simpson. "First off, you don't try to bribe a Federal judge - that's against the law. But if this had happened in America, the friends and relatives would have simply picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and filed a nonsensical civil law suit in order to try and take all of the poor fool's hard-earned assets. That's what they would do in America."

Divine Advice

Hello friends, I'm Dr. Bill Frist, heart surgeon and professor of 'Business and Medicine' at Vanderbilt University, but you might remember me as a tough but fair Senate Majority Leader. The last GOP majority leader, I might add, serving under the last white American president this country has ever had. They used to say that I was the only majority leader who could break your heart and fix it too, but that was before my own heart was broken by an American public that momentarily turned it's back against the Republican Party. But the good people of Tennessee didn't cast me from power, I walked away. And thank God for that, because it's no fun to be the Minority Leader. Look at Mitch McConnell, that burned out husk of a man, does he look like he's having fun? As you might imagine, being a heart-surgeon/professor IS a lot of fun, but you've still got to put food on the table. That's why I'm also the chairman of the executive board at Cressey & Co, where we invest in high-potential segments of the U.S. healthcare market in order to enhance the performance and accelerate the growth of our portfolio companies. Granted, that's not nearly as much fun as being a heart-surgeon/professor, but it doesn't need to be because I really don't have to put in a lot of hours. No, I guess it's just fun for Cressey & Co to look at their org chart and be able to say that their Chairman of the Board is the former Senate Majority Leader. The main thing I have to do at Cressey is give a speech now and then, like the one I gave in Philadelphia a couple of weeks ago. I told the Chamber of Commerce that the Senate will pass a health care bill of some sort or another. It's just inevitable. But I also told them not to fret about it, and to wear a secret smile upon their face. Why? Because this is one heck of a great time to invest in health care. Like I told them, there's "one trillion new dollars coming into financial markets with no sort of control whatsoever." Now that's what I call a golden opportunity. And the truth is, I've never like being accused of hyperbole, so I gave them a lowball figure. This bill is looking more messed up than even I could imagine, so I wouldn't be surprised to see it coming in with twice that dollar value. I'll be back soon to suggest some exciting ways that you can benefit from the coming health care chaos, but right now I've got to get on back to Vanderbilt and perform a triple bypass on a liberal sociology professor. So until next time, I'm Dr Bill Frist, wishing you a happy heart and a healthy portfolio.