Cheney's Katrina

by Mike Allen "Hey Mike, the siren is going off on the CheneyCam." Those were words that I had not heard since shortly after Christmas, when the former Vice President granted Politico an exclusive look into his views of Obama's failed leadership in the war on terror. I feared that I had been insufficiently transparent in my somewhat visible display of disagreement with certain of Mr. Cheney's harsher statements, but for this I accept no blame. I have the body language of a reporter, and Cheney has the eye's of an eagle. He could read me like a prospectus. I switched on the machine labeled CheneyCam. God, Windows 7 is slow. I feared the Veep would give up on me before I ever got to the welcome screen. Our damnable company policy called for powering everything off before leaving the office, and I had officially gone along like a docile sheep. Well, no more. A good reporter never risks a story over wasted time, and I vowed that from this day on, CheneyCam would stay on. The oddly asymmetrical face of Lynn Cheney stared back at me, a look of utter disgust beaming from her eyes. "You made me wait," she said, clipping every word. Oh yeah, I though, what if I had the day off or was out of the office, what about that? You'd really have to wait then, wouldn't you? Hoping that she couldn't read my mind, I modified that last thought to 'You'd really have to wait then, wouldn't you, bitch'. "You're such a nice reporter, always taking your dictation so earnestly," the Cheney-girl said, softening. "But you really shouldn't make me wait. Daddy always knows when you're in the office. And now, I have something important that I want to talk to you about." I grabbed my pad and pencil, a good reporter's most important tools "There is some dangerous talk going around town, Allen. Poisonous talk. Maybe you've heard it." I was all ears. "Certain liberal interests, in order to protect our socialist president and his hatred of American exceptionalism, are beginning to call the BP spill 'Cheney's Katrina'. Can you imagine? Not Obama's Katrina, which is the obvious parallel, not even Bush's Second Katrina, which would be the usual modus operandi, but Cheney's Katrina. Crazy talk. Listen to this... 'Cheney bows down to his Superior Being, the AntiChrist, the Corporation British Petroleum and receives for his labors a crude oil begrimed halo... Could it be so glorious? This great victory? The total victory of corporate will over mere, feeble, mortal humanity'. This is coming not just from the little pimples like the Daily Kos, it's beginning to resonate with columnists for the New York Times and Washington Post." "Wow, that was some prose," I replied. Well, you know those columnists, they're paid to create controversy. Just as long as the papers haven't been saying that in their editorials, you're probably okay. Now on the other hand, I think the point that they're making is that your father's secret deals with the oil companies may have led to some of the lax..." "Silence. Do you want me to..." "Hey Liz, you got the Politico guy on that computer thing, uh, the webcam yet?" Maddeningly, I would never have the choice of deciding whether or not I wished for Lynn Cheney to do whatever it was she had on her mind, for at that moment the huge and snarling face of her father replaced her, filling the screen. I could see his pores. "You don't have to sit so close to the camera, daddy. Remember what I told you, it's right there on the monitor." "Now listen, Allen, I've got something to say about the way Obama is handling this Gulf situation," said the giant Dick head. "I've been thinking about leadership and I've been thinking about modern history. Modern history is the proper context because of the things that our founding fathers didn't have - underwater oil wells and nukes. If they had, and a giant oil spill threatened the Chesapeake Bay, I have little doubt that Thomas Jefferson would have elected to nuke the leak. And if he wouldn't, screw him, what the hell did he know about the oil industry anyway. The thing is, our corporate giants are the new founding fathers, in a manner of speaking. All I'm saying is, who's your daddy?" "You are, daddy." "That's very nice, Liz. Allen, right now we've got a boy for our president, and he is not helping his daddy. Tony Hayward needs a little nuclear help and Obama is not giving it to him. Yesterday I was watching 'Forbes on FOX' and everyone of those distinguished panelist thought that nukes were the way to go. As Rick Karlgaard put it, "We might as well look at something with an 80 percent success rate according to the Russian." That man knows his modern history. The Russians have nuked oil spills five times, four of them successfully. If it doesn't work out, who cares? The gulf is ruined anyway, and I hate seafood." "The point is, that well is not just gushing oil, it's gushing money, and if our boy president isn't willing to use all available resources to stop it, I don't think British Petroleum owes this country another red penny." It was hard to argue with the old oilman's impeccable logic, and so I didn't. After all, the gulf was already ruined, and I don't like seafood either. Instead I chose to use my token question by asking the former Vice President how he dealt with the outrage he must feel over hearing this disaster being labeled as Cheney's Katrina. "Outrage?" he chuckled, before ending the conversation. "Hell, I thought I should have gotten credit for the first one."

Anti-Christ endorses Anti-Crist

Dick Cheney emerged from his bunker today to endorse Marco Rubio in his Florida Republican primary run against Governor Charlie Crist. In typical Cheney fashion, he was unable to give his backing to Rubio without simultaneously trashing his old friend Crist. "Washington is broken and Congress is already overflowing with politicians who need pollsters to tell them what to think," said the horrible old man, seemingly oblivious to the importance of his own vital role in breaking the capitol. "It certainly doesn't need another one. Now more than ever America needs leaders with the strength of conviction. That is why I am proud to endorse Marco Rubio." "Yeah, that and two bucks will get me a cup of coffee," said Rubio upon learning about the announcement. "First the Feds launch an investigation into my finances, then Crist says he may run as an independent, and now it's the kiss of death from Darth Vader. Oh well, they say bad things come in threes. Let's just hope Mister Warmth didn't have anything else to say." "Charlie Crist has shown time and again that he cannot be trusted in Washington to take on the Obama agenda because on issue after issue he actually supports that agenda," Cheney continued. "Well, duh, that didn't help much," muttered Rubio. "I wonder how many Independents that supported Obama are now going to show up to vote for Crist instead of just staying at home. On the positive side, maybe that'll keep him from running as an Independent." "Lately it seems Charlie Crist cannot be trusted even to remain a Republican," concluded Cheney. "I strongly urge him to either stay in the Republican Primary or drop out of the race. The only winners from an independent bid by Crist would be Barack Obama and Harry Reid." "Fuck me," concluded Rubio.

Cheney restored

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shopping for body parts. A weary nation breathed a sigh of relief today, as former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from George Washington Hospital, where he underwent his second heart transplant since 2008. Doctors said he was in good spirits and "eager to get back to the important work of fear mongering." "Most patients don't bring along their own heart donors," said Dr Herbert West, the man who performed this transplant as well as the first. "Freshness is so important in this business, and you can't get any fresher than still alive." Cheney praised American Health Care, which he described as the best in the world, and his medical insurance, which he said was "the best money can buy, not that I have to pay for it or anything like that." He also expressed his gratitude to Ramzi Binalshibh, one of the Guantanamo Bay prisoners he had transferred to the dungeon in his McLean Virginia home during his final days in office in order to assure a ready supply of replacement body parts. Binalshibh was one of the masterminds of the 911 attack and was slated to be the 20th hijacker, but was unable to obtain a US Visa. Before his transfer to the Cheney dungeon, he was kept in GITMO's top secret section for high-value detainees. "He was a bad man," said Cheney, "but he had a good heart."

the gaping maw opens

After keeping the Homeland in suspense for an obscene one hundred and eight hours, the nation's Frightener in Chief has at long last opened his gaping maw in an effort to re-instill the American people with patriotic feelings of fear and dread. "It's not like the former Vice President had nothing to say about the underpants fiasco," Cheney spokesman Liz Cheney told Politico's Mike Allen, "but being sensitive to the needs of the citizenry, he realizes that the mood of the people has been changed - softened and sissified - by the poetry of optimism and hope they have been subjected to by President Obama and his teleprompter of change. He needed to find a new way to speak to the American people and reassure them that nothing ever really changes. He wanted to reconnect them to the poetry of anxiety and trepidation. And so, without any further adieu, allow me to present the man of the mood of the millennium, my daddy." "Thank you, Liz, and good morning Politico," the grim faced Cheney said via webcam. "I have the sound turned off at my end, Mr Allen, so there will be no need for questions, not that you ever ask any. That's why I like you guys, and that's why I hereby give you permission to report my words as though they were spoken to you in the flesh. Now then, what I have for you this morning is something more than a statement, it is poetry. "You know, as I’ve watched the events of the last few days it has become clear to me that the American people once again need to hear about the beauty and valor of eternal war. And so, not without irony, my poem is entitled 'We Won't Be At War'. President Obama is trying to pretend we are not at war. He seems to think if he has a low-key response To an attempt To blow up an airliner and kill hundreds of people, We won’t be at war. He seems to think if he gives terrorists the rights of Americans Lets them lawyer up And reads them their Miranda rights, We won’t be at war. He seems to think if we bring the mastermind of Sept. 11 to New York Give him a lawyer And trial in civilian court, We won’t be at war. He seems to think if he closes Guantanamo And releases the hard-core Al Qaeda-trained terrorists - Still there! We won’t be at war. He seems to think if he gets rid of the words, 'War On Terror' Trademarked 2001 by me We won’t be at war. "Thank you, Mike, thank you very much. As I said at the outset, I can't hear you on my end, but I see your hands going back and forth in a clapping gesture, and that's good enough for me." "Now the point of my poem, in case the wordplay confused you, is that we are at war and when President Obama pretends we aren’t, it makes us less safe than we were for the eight years when I kept us secure. That better not be seven fingers you're holding up, Allen, or I'll shut down the goddamn video feed, too. I'll assume you were just trying to get my attention so that you could ask 'Why doesn’t he want to admit we’re at war?' Good question. It's because Obama hates America and everything it stands for, that's why. Don't you shake you head at me, you son of a bitch, this interview is over. And don't give me that pathetic imploring look. Liz, kill the video. Webcam then, whatever the fuck it is, just kill it... Goddamn it Liz, I told you I shouldn't speak until Rush and Hannity were back from their Christmas break."

waiting for the gaping maw

"It took the President seventy-two hours to address the country following the most terrible albeit unsuccessful terrorist attack in the eight years since Dick Cheney first made us safe," fumed New York congressman Peter King, ranking GOP member of the Homeland Security Committee. "Seventy-two hours for him to face the nation. I myself was on 'Face the Nation' on Sunday, and I'm not even president. It's just unspeakable. Unfortunately, so is Vice President Cheney. It's been over ninety-six hours, and he still hasn't expounded on our imminent threat. Oh where oh where can that Dick be?" "When he does speak, there will be trembling throughout the land," King declares. "That much I can absolutely guarantee... I guess pretty much guarantee would be more accurate. I'm relatively sure that within the Democrat Party, there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Not in public, mind you, so the media probably won't report it. Curse words will be uttered. Reflexive defensiveness will kick in. All this and more, assuming Cheney hurries up and makes it so." "Unlike President Obama, the former Vice President is not on a Hawaiian vacation," says Cheney spokesman Liz Cheney. "But it is kind of an awkward time of year. With Rush and Hannity and Beck all on vacation, who is supposed to ask daddy what he thinks? Who's going to endlessly repeat his talking points and drive them home to the American people? You can't just expect him to go on the Neal Boortz Show or something." "This is a tragedy of epic proportions," said alarmed Michigan congressman Hoekstra (the other white Pete). "Without our party spokesmen, we are left without a voice. Well, maybe a small whiney voice, but nothing to write home about."

exclusive

By Mike Allen "A man of my position, I could talk to anybody I wanted," Dick Cheney told me, winking a conspiratorial eye, "but I choose to talk to you."   I wondered - not aloud, mind you - whether this was true. Could the former vice president really talk to anyone? Could he, for example, get in contact with Javier Bardem? My colleague Michael Calderone and I are working on a script, and Bardem would be perfect as the wayward Wisconsin congressman. How about Sting? Could Dick Cheney really summon Sting? It seemed unlikely, but then I recalled this powerful man's audience with Bono and I wondered no more. How about Barbara Brummet, the girl by whom I was secretly smitten in high school, the girl who never even took the time to sign my yearbook? I seriously doubted that Dick Cheney could have talked to her, but I did not challenge him on the matter. "I like you guys from Politico because you never challenge me on anything," Cheney revealed, guffawing like a creature that guffaws. "I can call you up and tell you any bullshit that I want, I can say that Obama is accommodating the enemy and that my administration bears no responsibility for the deteriorating situation in Afghanistan, and you guys will just type it up and call it an interview." It was an interview, wasn't it? At least technically? The three of us alone in the room. Well, Cheney was on the phone, but we had a picture of him beside the speaker to add dramatic realism. And we were quite capable of springing up and asking him a question without a moment's notice, although, as the former president had deftly demonstrated on previous occasions, he was quite capable of hanging up. And after all, it's a reporter's duty to not get in the way of the news. "I can even tell you guys to strike that last paragraph except for the part about Obama, and you'll do it, won't you? I like you guys... Say, I was talking to Javier Bardem the other day, and he said he'd like to see your screenplay. But back to the topic, I think it's becoming increasingly clear that Obama doesn’t believe in American exceptionalism - the idea that the United States is a special nation, that we are the greatest, freest nation mankind has ever known." What about ancient Athens, I pondered replying, the cradle of Western civilization and the birthplace of democracy? I can visualize it now, Richard B Cheney gliding down the steps of the Parthenon, waving at the river maidens as he makes his way to sit beneath the olive trees and discuss drama and philosophy with Aristotle and Aristophanes, Sophocles and Socrates, all those guys. Would the proud leader not agree that Athens was indeed the pinnacle of a civilization every bit as great and every bit as free as the United States? Of course, that's ancient history, and it's quite possible that a lot of unpleasant details have been softened with the passage of time, a fact that Cheney would have reminded me of had I interrupted him with a question that he surely would have dismissed as irrelevant. "I think of America much as I think of ancient Athens," Cheney declared, "but let's not forget that Athens ultimately declined into a stinking shithole. And under Obama, our own troops are aware that the United States is faced with a similar fate. Every time he delays, defers, debates, changes his position, it begins to raise questions: Is the commander in chief really behind what they’ve been asked to do?" A good interviewer knows the difference between a rhetorical question and a request for information, and I pride myself in the quality of my work, so I quickly changed the topic and asked this great patriot if he would please run for president. "Why would I want to do that?" he shot back. "It's been a hell of a tour and I've loved it. I have no aspirations for further office. Now write this up nice like a good boy." With an exclusive like this, I certainly would waste no time in writing it up, but as a dyed in the wool journalist, no one would ever have the right to tell me to make it nice.