Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cheney restored

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shopping for body parts.

A weary nation breathed a sigh of relief today, as former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from George Washington Hospital, where he underwent his second heart transplant since 2008. Doctors said he was in good spirits and "eager to get back to the important work of fear mongering."

"Most patients don't bring along their own heart donors," said Dr Herbert West, the man who performed this transplant as well as the first. "Freshness is so important in this business, and you can't get any fresher than still alive."

Cheney praised American Health Care, which he described as the best in the world, and his medical insurance, which he said was "the best money can buy, not that I have to pay for it or anything like that." He also expressed his gratitude to Ramzi Binalshibh, one of the Guantanamo Bay prisoners he had transferred to the dungeon in his McLean Virginia home during his final days in office in order to assure a ready supply of replacement body parts.

Binalshibh was one of the masterminds of the 911 attack and was slated to be the 20th hijacker, but was unable to obtain a US Visa. Before his transfer to the Cheney dungeon, he was kept in GITMO's top secret section for high-value detainees.

"He was a bad man," said Cheney, "but he had a good heart."


  1. Dick should just get a passel o' assholes from some chicken(shit) slaughterhouse and have them grafted all over his hide.

  2. Jaysus, that was a good one. My buddy Sponge Bob Crack Whore linked to ya at Ornery Bastard. It's nice to have a relief pitcher.

  3. I wasn't aware that Dick Cheney actually had a heart. According to my sources, what he actually has is a black festering mass of pure evil in his chest which must be occasionally renewed with the blood of virgins and cute puppies. The reason for the current delay was that a) the local dog pound has become suspicious of Cheney staffers coming in to "adopt" cute puppies all the time, and b) the College Republican virgins were busy over at World Nut Daily making another one of their really bad raps that rhyme "Filet Mignon" with "Ramadan" (see today's Wonkette). The end result was that the black festering mass of evil started heaving in his chest until one of said virgins could be located for a blood donation and a cute puppy procured from a different source.

    Hey, it's more plausible than the notion that Dick Cheney has a heart, right?

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin