Friday, February 26, 2010

pre-summit strategy

"You drew the short straw, Boehner. That means you've got to do the giant health care bill stunt."

"Not a problem, McCain, even though I'm pretty sure they were all short straws. I'll just give this to my sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip. That little twit will enjoy messing with Obama, even if it does makes him look juvenile and foolish. Or more foolish than usual, I should say."

"Do you really think that the president is going to be flustered by seeing a giant health care bill on the table, Boehner?"

"That's a good question, Mitch. Let's ask an expert. What do you think, McCain? You were almost president - would seeing a giant health care bill on the table have befuddled you?"

"I would consider it a serious breach of decorum, so yes, I've got to say that it would likely throw me off track. But the truth is, I don't really give a fuck as long as it embarrasses Cantor."

"That boy is too dumb to embarrass, but at least it'll be good for a laugh. Do you know what would be even funnier? If I had a giant health care bill also - then there would be a giant bill on either side of Obama. I'm laughing just thinking about it."

"You don't look like your laughing, Boehner. You look like you're about to cry."

"Oh yeah, I'm practicing. The camera just eats that up. I'm going to alternate between tearful, impatient, and unctuous. What do you think, Mitch? Good strategy?"

"Well, I do appreciate the fact that you and Cantor are handling the props, since the Senate is far too dignified for that sort of shenanigans. But it is going to be a long meeting, so I hope I get a chance to see you seethe a little bit."

"Forget about it, McConnell, that's a job for a real pro. You just leave the seething up to John McCain and you're going to see a red-faced, eye bulging, vein-popping seething demonstration of the type you can't buy for love or money. And when I speak... look out, their will be no prisoners taken and no quarter given. I'm going to snarl and interrupt and laugh in a strangely inappropriate way. And when that Nigerian motherfucker tries condescending to me, I'm gonna bite his goddamn head off."

"You are a truly angry man, John."

"You best believe it, Boehner, I'm on fire. If ACORN hadn't stolen the election, I would be the president and we wouldn't be in this mess today."

"As I recall, you did vote for the bailout."

"That's because Paulson and Bernake lied to me, you stupid fucking self-righteous peckerhead!"

"Careful, Boehner, he's already turning crimson and the summit doesn't even begin for another hour."

"Just getting him prepped, Mitch. You haven't told us yet what your strategy is for this meeting. You gonna go with your indignantly-lost-in-traffic expression?"

"I know that's a pretty effective tactic, but I thought today I would stare at Obama intently and imagine that I have no pants on."

"Oh jeez, Mitch, that's not much of a strategy. You know, that's an old trick for a speaker, where they imagine the audience naked, so that the speaker feels..."

"I know that, Boehner, but seeing as how the President is an African-American, I'm worried that if I imagined him without any pants it might somehow be misconstrued as racism."

"If I see this numbnuts imagining himself without his goddamn pants on, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines."

"I've got a better idea, Mitch. When Obama calls on you, just yield the floor to McCain."

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