Capitalism at it's best

Capitalism in it's purest form seeks to maximize the corporate profit while minimizing investment. Having a consumer base is an absolute must, and for optimal profitability, there is no better consumer base than a captive one. That explains why heroin distribution has always been seen as such an exciting career opportunity. You just can't beat if for repeat business, and whatever the price of your product, the price is always right.   Prescription drugs are a mighty fine market to have a stake in as well, and unlike smack, they have the additional benefit that the entrepreneur is rarely murdered or arrested. You have the same repeat customer base with the same understandable fear that they will get very sick if they don't get your product.   For a number of years there has been a weekly injection given to women in high-risk pregnancies. A form of progesterone, it doesn't have a cool name because it's been prepared in pharmacies that do compounding. It has been proven effective in preventing premature births, which is a good thing because preemies, when they live, can rack up one hell of a medical bill. The cost of the drug is about fifteen dollars an injection.   Recently a company by the name of KV Pharmaceutical obtained FDA approval to manufacture and market the drug through their Ther-RX corporation. They gave the drug a cool sounding name, Makena, but branding it was about all the effort they had to put into it because the drug had already been developed. Doctors and pharmacies were happy about this development because it meant one less potential liability issue they had to deal with, and women were happy because the more ready availability meant they wouldn't have to visit a doctor in a town where they had access to a compounding pharmacy.   Yesterday, Ther-RX announced the availability date of Makena (next week), as well as the cost - $1500 a dose, 100 times the cost of the previous formulation. (Pepe the Pill Pusher's eyes just fall out of their sockets as he realizes that he chose the wrong business model.) With a woman receiving as many as twenty injections that's $30,000 dollars, an expense most aren't prepared to deal with. But don't worry, KV Pharmaceutical has it under control, and your co-pay will be a reasonable $20 per injection.   "I'm breathless," said Aetna Insurance's Dr Joanne Armstrong, and well she should be. Did you ever wonder why Medicaid costs and insurance premiums keep going up? You might think they would just say there weren't any problems with the old drug so just stick with that, but they can't. In a happy coincidence, KV has sent cease-and-desist letters to compounding pharmacies warning of FDA enforcement should they continue. There may be those who see KV Pharmaceutical as capitalism at it's worth, but at the end of the day they need to look in the mirror and ask themselves one question - why do you hate America?

House GOP reflects on Health Care repeal

In what proved to be a surprisingly easy lift, House Republicans believe themselves to have banished Health Care from the national agenda this afternoon.   "It's, uh... okay," Tea Party caucus leader Michele Bachman said of the victory. "But... You know how sometimes you really anticipate something, like when you're a kid waiting for Christmas? And you're just waiting and waiting, imagining how great it's going to be, and when it finally arrives, it's kind of a disappointment. That's what repealing Health Care is like. I've got another two years in Congress ahead of me, and it's like I ate my desert before dinner, and I feel like I've already shot my load. I know that's a mixed metaphor, okay, but I guess I've got a lot of mixed feelings."   "Poor Michele. She really doesn't have a lot on her plate, so I can't fault her for going for the desert," empathized Rep Peter King. "Me, I've got my Muslim hearings coming up, and I'm probably going to enjoy immigration for a long time, but Health Care, yeah, that was a biggie. And it really should have been a bigger payday, too, but we didn't play our cards right. I mean, what sort of lobbyist is going to try and buy your vote if they already know which way you're going? Kind of a pyrrhic victory, if you ask me."    "How do I feel about having repealed Health Care?" echoed Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "Pretty good, I guess. Sometimes I wish that I could say that I was as happy as John Boehner. You should have seen him this afternoon; the man was blubbering like a baby. It would be kind of cute if it wasn't so disturbing."   "There's nothing disturbing about a man being happy," asserted Boehner. "Some people look at a glass and see it as half empty. I look at a glass and say let's drink. Here's a toast to a free market where nothing is free, least of all Health Care."   "I realize this repeal isn't going anywhere in the Senate," reflected Boehner. "Some might call this a meaningless gesture, but it means the world to me."

Blood Oath

Unhinged Iowa Congressman Steve King today sought to expand on widely ignored comments he made Monday in regards to his efforts to repeal health care reform. King felt the clarification was necessary in light of the fact that he had not been ridiculed by a single MSNBC host. To add insult to injury, he received only one brief mention on FOX, but that didn't count because it was from Steve Doocy. "I thought what I said was extreme enough to rile up any number of talking heads," explained King, "but when the news cycle is totally dominated by a pretty, young Tea Party babe's flirtation with the Devil, it can be hard to cut through the clatter." "To reiterate, I was talking about my plan to add a health care repeal amendment to every appropriations bill we get next year, and if the Senate don't pass our version, then we don't pass theirs. So you see, the government gets shut down bit by bit, and before long, it grinds to a halt and we all go on vacation. Pretty good plan, huh, but like I said, I was worried about our leadership getting wobbly in the resolve department. In particular, Boehner the Soft-hearted. So I said we should make him sign an oath - a blood oath." "A home run, I figured. But no, I couldn't believe it, I didn't even make it onto Ed Schultz's crazy talk segment. All he wanted to talk about was Christine O'Donnell having a picnic with a bunch of witches on a blood splattered satanic altar. I'm telling you, the media is just obsessed with sensationalism." "I got to thinking about it and it occurred to me that when I was talking about a blood oath, these news people were thinking of that little ritual young people do all the time, where they slice open their palms and then rub their hands together. You know, the normal kid stuff. But what I was really talking about was the blood oaths that used to be practiced in the early days of the Latter Day Saints during their Endowment rituals. I've been reading up on that and it seemed like it would work pretty well for the Republican caucus." "See, they had to take an oath of secrecy that they would never reveal the secrets of the ceremony, but if they did, they'd be subject to face the music, if you get my meaning. Hold on, I've got it all written down, just waiting for Boehner to agree to take his oath. Here we go: Stage 1, my throat be cut from ear to ear, and my tongue torn out by its roots; Stage 2,our breasts be torn open, our hearts and vitals torn out and given to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field; and Stage 3, our body be cut asunder and all your bowels gush out." "Seems to me you wouldn't even need a stage 3, but those people were just as serious about their Endowment rituals as I am about repealing health care reform. I hope this clears things up, and I think I can say without fear of contradiction that this is a heck of a lot more interesting than having a couple of sandwiches with Beelzebub." "Oh, one more thing. Like all serious politicians, I have a book coming out, November 9th, just one week after we take back the House and get down to the important job of shutting down the government. And in kind of a crazy coincidence the name of my book is 'Blood Oath'. It's about this president, and he's a pretty bad guy, he has his own vampire which he uses to suck all the hope and freedom out of the American people. I don't know where he got the vampire, because in the book his past is all dark and shadowy, but he's got one. Things look pretty grim for the entire world, but then there's this congressman, he's from Iowa. Write what you know, I always say. Anyway, this congressman knows that there's only one man who can save the world, and that man is Ronald Regan." "Well, that's all I want to tell you about it, because I've got to get back to the hard work of repealing health care or at least shutting down the government. Plus, I don't want to give away too much about the book or you might not buy it, just like America isn't buying the Obama agenda. But just let me say that if you like vampires and you like zombies but you're not so keen on the president, this is the book you've been waiting for."

Parliamentarian!

Many headstrong and courageous individuals have strode across the US Senate floor throughout the history of that great institution, voicing their stirring thoughts and casting their mighty votes, setting the steady course that has lead to our nation's glory. But even amongst these titans of bureaucracy, there is still one individual that can fill their hearts with icy dread and fear. That ominous being is known as 'The Parliamentarian, Interpreter of the Rules'. Meet Alan Frumin, a man you've never heard of, and yet a man who has it within his power to shape the ultimate outcome of the dreaded health care reconciliation. “I think most people don’t trust him,” said a senior GOP official who, like most, was far too frightened of Frumin to even consider allowing his name to appear in print. "Mark my words, he's going to allow socialized medicine to be rammed right down the gagging throat of America." Senator McConnell X is right to be apprehensive about Frumin, because this particular Parliamentarian is the very same man who in 2001 was put into this position of almost limitless supremacy by none other than radical leftist Trent Lott; the very same man who allowed President Bush's Republican controlled Senate to use reconciliation to ram two separate tax cuts for the rich down the screaming throat of America. "You said screaming throat," interrupted Senator John McCain. "What Senator McConnell said was... What? He didn't want his name used? Ah, jeez, what a pussy. Anyway, what Senator X said was gagging throat, which is a totally different thing. I for one am of the opinion that when we passed those tax cuts, America was screaming with pleasure. Nobody gags with pleasure... I don't think... Ah, who am I kidding, I've seen some weird ass things in my life. But I haven't seen anything weirder than the fact that when Harry Reid became majority leader he didn't switch out the Parliamentarian. It's the same way I feel about Defense Secretary Gates. If people are staying, there's got to be something going on." “I think clearly the majority leader has his ear, and I’ve got concerns,” said anonymous source Senator Jim DeMint. "You ever see Blue Velvet? I can say no more. And please don't quote me unless you call me an anonymous source."

pre-summit strategy

"You drew the short straw, Boehner. That means you've got to do the giant health care bill stunt." "Not a problem, McCain, even though I'm pretty sure they were all short straws. I'll just give this to my sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip. That little twit will enjoy messing with Obama, even if it does makes him look juvenile and foolish. Or more foolish than usual, I should say." "Do you really think that the president is going to be flustered by seeing a giant health care bill on the table, Boehner?" "That's a good question, Mitch. Let's ask an expert. What do you think, McCain? You were almost president - would seeing a giant health care bill on the table have befuddled you?" "I would consider it a serious breach of decorum, so yes, I've got to say that it would likely throw me off track. But the truth is, I don't really give a fuck as long as it embarrasses Cantor." "That boy is too dumb to embarrass, but at least it'll be good for a laugh. Do you know what would be even funnier? If I had a giant health care bill also - then there would be a giant bill on either side of Obama. I'm laughing just thinking about it." "You don't look like your laughing, Boehner. You look like you're about to cry." "Oh yeah, I'm practicing. The camera just eats that up. I'm going to alternate between tearful, impatient, and unctuous. What do you think, Mitch? Good strategy?" "Well, I do appreciate the fact that you and Cantor are handling the props, since the Senate is far too dignified for that sort of shenanigans. But it is going to be a long meeting, so I hope I get a chance to see you seethe a little bit." "Forget about it, McConnell, that's a job for a real pro. You just leave the seething up to John McCain and you're going to see a red-faced, eye bulging, vein-popping seething demonstration of the type you can't buy for love or money. And when I speak... look out, their will be no prisoners taken and no quarter given. I'm going to snarl and interrupt and laugh in a strangely inappropriate way. And when that Nigerian motherfucker tries condescending to me, I'm gonna bite his goddamn head off." "You are a truly angry man, John." "You best believe it, Boehner, I'm on fire. If ACORN hadn't stolen the election, I would be the president and we wouldn't be in this mess today." "As I recall, you did vote for the bailout." "That's because Paulson and Bernake lied to me, you stupid fucking self-righteous peckerhead!" "Careful, Boehner, he's already turning crimson and the summit doesn't even begin for another hour." "Just getting him prepped, Mitch. You haven't told us yet what your strategy is for this meeting. You gonna go with your indignantly-lost-in-traffic expression?" "I know that's a pretty effective tactic, but I thought today I would stare at Obama intently and imagine that I have no pants on." "Oh jeez, Mitch, that's not much of a strategy. You know, that's an old trick for a speaker, where they imagine the audience naked, so that the speaker feels..." "I know that, Boehner, but seeing as how the President is an African-American, I'm worried that if I imagined him without any pants it might somehow be misconstrued as racism." "If I see this numbnuts imagining himself without his goddamn pants on, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines." "I've got a better idea, Mitch. When Obama calls on you, just yield the floor to McCain."

Cheney restored

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shopping for body parts. A weary nation breathed a sigh of relief today, as former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from George Washington Hospital, where he underwent his second heart transplant since 2008. Doctors said he was in good spirits and "eager to get back to the important work of fear mongering." "Most patients don't bring along their own heart donors," said Dr Herbert West, the man who performed this transplant as well as the first. "Freshness is so important in this business, and you can't get any fresher than still alive." Cheney praised American Health Care, which he described as the best in the world, and his medical insurance, which he said was "the best money can buy, not that I have to pay for it or anything like that." He also expressed his gratitude to Ramzi Binalshibh, one of the Guantanamo Bay prisoners he had transferred to the dungeon in his McLean Virginia home during his final days in office in order to assure a ready supply of replacement body parts. Binalshibh was one of the masterminds of the 911 attack and was slated to be the 20th hijacker, but was unable to obtain a US Visa. Before his transfer to the Cheney dungeon, he was kept in GITMO's top secret section for high-value detainees. "He was a bad man," said Cheney, "but he had a good heart."

Rush & Health Care Doing Fine

The nation breathed a sigh of relief today as it learned that it's most beloved broadcaster had emerged largely unscathed from his frightening encounter with chest pain. "Any time you experience something traumatic like this, it's best to turn your body over to the professionals," Limbaugh said upon emerging from Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu. "It occurred to me that, much like the mainstream media, my heart might be attacking me. However, the doctors told me this was impossible, as I have no heart. And then we laughed and laughed." "I'm actually quite glad this frightening imaginary incident happened, since it gave me ample opportunity to check out the American health care system from the inside, and I'm pleased to report that it is perfectly fine just the way it is. I shudder to think of how differently things might have turned out if this incident had happened under Obama-care." The Bloated One was reminded that things would have probably worked out pretty much the same, seeing as how there was nothing wrong with him. "Perhaps, but I would have been surrounded by a horde of poor and disadvantaged people, and that could have had a profoundly negative impact on me psychologically," he replied. "And there is a strong likelihood that the staff would have been so overworked that they would have been unable to fawn over me and cater to my every whim. Not that I received any special treatment, of course. In the free market health care system, they treat everyone that way."

President pleased

After celebrating with an awkward 'Victory Texas Two Step' in the Oval Office, a jubilant President Obama praised the Senate Health Care vote this morning before boarding Air Force One and heading to Hawaii for a well-earned vacation. "Yay and whoopee, sis-boom-bah," Obama said in his brief remarks before departing. "Historic vote, pineapple pie, long overdue, hang five. Teddy Roosevelt, Island girls, meaningful reform. Golf! Cost savings, pig roast, 2010. Yahoo, Oahu, American people." "Aloha, everybody, Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. See ya soon, I'm outta here!"

Senate health care bill includes Boehner provision

"This is how the Senate believes you should tan," explains House Whip Eric Cantor. "Under the Democratic Health Care plan, there will be strict melanin rationing." Little noticed among provision in the newly unveiled Senate Health Care Plan is one that removes the 'Botox Tax' on cosmetic surgery and replaces it with a 'Boehner Tax' on indoor tanning. "I take this as a personal insult," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "It's not like I can't afford an extra ten percent in order to keep my color up, but why did they have to name it after me? Now people are going to think of me and that tax every time they lie down in a tanning bed." "The Boehner Tax is an absolute disgrace," says Boehner sidekick Eric Cantor. "You should see John when he doesn't have a tan. The man looks as pale as a ghost. And I don't expect the president to speak up; he's got plenty of melanin. Harry Reid is a mean, vindictive man, and you can quote me on that." "The American Medical Association urged us to remove the Botox Tax," explained Majority Leader Reid. "They claimed that it amounted to discrimination against women because they were more likely to undergo cosmetic surgery. So rather than discriminate against women, we decided we would discriminate against Boehner."

Divine Advice

Hello friends, I'm Dr. Bill Frist, heart surgeon and professor of 'Business and Medicine' at Vanderbilt University, but you might remember me as a tough but fair Senate Majority Leader. The last GOP majority leader, I might add, serving under the last white American president this country has ever had. They used to say that I was the only majority leader who could break your heart and fix it too, but that was before my own heart was broken by an American public that momentarily turned it's back against the Republican Party. But the good people of Tennessee didn't cast me from power, I walked away. And thank God for that, because it's no fun to be the Minority Leader. Look at Mitch McConnell, that burned out husk of a man, does he look like he's having fun? As you might imagine, being a heart-surgeon/professor IS a lot of fun, but you've still got to put food on the table. That's why I'm also the chairman of the executive board at Cressey & Co, where we invest in high-potential segments of the U.S. healthcare market in order to enhance the performance and accelerate the growth of our portfolio companies. Granted, that's not nearly as much fun as being a heart-surgeon/professor, but it doesn't need to be because I really don't have to put in a lot of hours. No, I guess it's just fun for Cressey & Co to look at their org chart and be able to say that their Chairman of the Board is the former Senate Majority Leader. The main thing I have to do at Cressey is give a speech now and then, like the one I gave in Philadelphia a couple of weeks ago. I told the Chamber of Commerce that the Senate will pass a health care bill of some sort or another. It's just inevitable. But I also told them not to fret about it, and to wear a secret smile upon their face. Why? Because this is one heck of a great time to invest in health care. Like I told them, there's "one trillion new dollars coming into financial markets with no sort of control whatsoever." Now that's what I call a golden opportunity. And the truth is, I've never like being accused of hyperbole, so I gave them a lowball figure. This bill is looking more messed up than even I could imagine, so I wouldn't be surprised to see it coming in with twice that dollar value. I'll be back soon to suggest some exciting ways that you can benefit from the coming health care chaos, but right now I've got to get on back to Vanderbilt and perform a triple bypass on a liberal sociology professor. So until next time, I'm Dr Bill Frist, wishing you a happy heart and a healthy portfolio.

Don't vote!

"Wipe that sour look off your puss, Eric, and let's go grab a beer. I just read some really good news, and I think you and I should have a little strategy meeting with our good buddy Joe." "Lieberman? Not my buddy. Why do you wanna hang around with him, boss? The man's a snob. I don't think he even likes to associate with congressmen." "Well, he is a creature of the Senate, that's true. And they're all a bit arrogant with their big fancy six year terms, I'll grant you that. But just because a man doesn't have to constantly run for office doesn't make him all bad." "I hate those guys with their one year on and five years off. That sort of schedule makes them lazy and corrupt." "Don't forget arrogant. But on the other hand, they tend to think of us as constant panderers." "Yeah, pandering to our constituents. If pandering is wrong, I don't want to be right." "You mean you don't wish to be correct, because I'm quite sure that you're proud to be right." "Whatever." "Anyway, I was reading about this new poll from the Progressive Change Campaign in the Daly Kos, and..." "You read that claptrap, boss?" "Opposition research, Eric. The poll says that a third of all Democrats say they're less likely to vote next year if Congress doesn't pass a public option." "Holy crap! Really? That really is excellent news, seeing that the public option is currently on life support." "And Senator Joe is going to help us pull the plug." "Why is he doing it, boss? Why is Joe Lieberman being so good to us? It just doesn't make sense." "Well now, Eric, I guess you're being blinded by your animosity towards the Senate. You see, Joe is just like us - he's pandering to his constituents. And in his case, his constituents just happen to be the Connecticut insurance industry." "Wow, a senator who thinks like a congressman." "Indeed. And did you know that the health insurance industry has rewarded him for it with over $900,000 since 2005?" "Wow again. That's some heavy-duty pandering." "Pretty impressive, I've got to admit. Anyway, back to this poll, it got me thinking, if a third of Democrats would be less likely to vote, what would be the net effect if they got no health care bill at all? Fifty percent? Two-thirds?" "I like the way you're thinking, boss." "Thank you, Eric. You know, when you get right down to it, liberals are some lazy sons of bitches." "Yeah, and stupid too. I mean, that's really sharp thinking, if things don't go their way, they fix it by being less involved." "Ponderous, I know, but it's always been that way. So that's why I want to meet with Joe, to encourage him to hang tough, and tell him we're in his corner." "You know, the way things are going, this time next year, you could be Speaker of the House. And I'll be..." "Majority Whip." "Oh man, everybody hates the Whip." "Not the Democrats. They just ignore their Whip. But think about it this way, Eric. Everybody hates Joe Lieberman, and he doesn't let it bring him down, no, he just keeps on pandering to his constituents." "What a guy. I guess I misjudged him. You know, boss, we should make him an honorary congressman." "He already is, Eric, he already is."